My Lokey

My Lokey. :) 

Lokey and I met in 11th or 12th grade - honestly, I can't remember. But we bonded in Journalism class. Was that senior year? Seriously, chemo brain + mom brain = wow, there's a reason they tell you to keep a journal all your life.... 

Anyway, we are "besties", as they say. We don't say that, though. We say "lokey." She is my Lokey and I am hers. We call each other that because we both love and like each other. You know, because you can love someone without liking them. 

We also bonded over singing (badly) "The Reason" by Hoobastank. There's video evidence of that, but it's top secret. And, seriously, I am ashamed of us for not blasting that during this last trip. I forgive us. 

So she's my bud. And I had not seen her in something like almost 3 years, when I was pregnant with M and visited my bro and sis-in-law last. 

Well, Lokey was super so ever generous and loving and wonderful and amazing and my "bestie", my Lokey and offered to come out to good ol' Utah for a few days and help me with my cancered self. 

Seriously, she's amazing, right?!

So she came in June! She came on a healthy week, and I'm glad that she did. And we ended up playing a lot more than the organizing my house that we were planning, but it was wonderful and definitely healthy and helpful for me. :) 

She arrived on a Wednesday night and we chatted for a couple of hours. I love true, good friends who can just talk and pick up like no time has passed. Lokey and I are like this. We actually don't talk a lot on a regular basis, but when we do, we don't have to shoot the fat and bs our way through a conversation. And I LOVE that. 

The next day was Day 2 of my FACS conference that I attend every summer. Lokey came with me. :) It was fun having her there and I'm glad she came! She also met some of my other "besties", as they say, and it was good having so many "besties" all together. Ha ha. Enough awkwardness... 

We went to the pool twice with my kids. Bella was a demon child basically the whole time Lokey was in town. Hello, MAJOR birth control for just the price of a plane ticket to Utah! Seriously, what was my child on!?! I'm so sorry, Lokey. But anyway, it was fun to people watch at the pool. And we bought new swimsuits.... after both pool trips. 

We spent time just talking and hanging out, we went to Sweet Tooth Fairy and got cupcakes, we went to the mall and Target and wandered WITHOUT my children (Patrick had drill that weekend, so he didn't have his usual Thursday off, but he did get home around 5 on Saturday and Lokey and I basically took off right after that, for our sanity, especially hers.)

There are things I forgot to do with Lokey while she was here and there were things that we didn't do and were planning to (like organize my house - but, hey, we did clean the death trap of a couch... seriously, Lokey loves me A LOT), but I absolutely LOVED having one of my best friends in the world here for a few days. I cherish the time I get with my best friends - and it seems like they all live far away from me - and I love being able to pick up like no time has passed. We are both more grown-up and happier than the last time we saw each other. We are in great places in life. And we are us. We are each others' (each other's?? Lokey is a grammar Nazi too {more than me, even} and we get along GREAT - remember, we bonded in our journalism class... destroying our peers' articles :) ) ..... we are each other's Lokeys. No it's NOT Lokies. Not in this case. 

I love you, Lokey. Thank you SOOOOOO much for coming to visit me. You probably thought you weren't much help, but mentally and emotionally, it meant the world to me to have you here! I can hardly wait until the next time I get to see you! 

Now.... before someone who visits leaves, you always take pictures with them - duh. There are cell phone pictures somewhere on my computer, too, but I have no idea where they are. Patrick is a funny picture-taker when it comes to these photos. The first two he took were basically full body and I happened to be wearing a button-up shirt so you can see INTO it - yay! Thus the following two pictures occurred.... 

that's my sexy chemo fat face. I'm hot.

Lokey, we are the bomb dot com.

Buenisimo! with an accent on the first i. :)

Lokey has pretty hair. We both have awesome glasses. 

Lokey, I love you. You are ALWAYS welcome in our home. THANK YOU for not judging me because of the crazy we are currently living in. And thank you for helping find buried treasure in the couch. :)  I miss you mucho!

Prompted to Post... and Updates

Wow. I can't believe it has like five weeks since I last posted. Wow!! For a while, I just didn't want to. Then I got updates/test results and stuff, and I just put it on Facebook. I just kind of avoided this blog... which is weird to me. But within the last week, or may be even two, I have been feeling like I should blog. I need to post updates for journaling purposes and to let others know, I need to post for whoever reads the blog, I don't know, I just need to. Then tonight I decided to read the blog posts of a friend who has a baby with many complications (she's still pregnant) because I honestly haven't taken the time to until now. It was very tender reading them and I just felt more and more prompted to come and update my blog. I have this feeling that it's not for me. I don't know... So... moving on to the updates....

Let me get my graphics because we passed 2/3 AND 3/4 of the way done with chemo!!

So there we have our images. :) I like my pie charts. It's really hard to believe that I'm almost done with chemo and, at the same time, it's not. But overall, the last four months really have flown by.


Next... I have a friend who Facebook-introduced to me to a lady who has a different type of cancer than me, but she has just started her treatments for it. She asked if she could give her friend my info and I said yes. Then, at my last chemo treatment, the head nurse, Jamie, asked me what I would tell another Hodgkin's patient because she had one starting his treatments that Friday. I honestly wasn't sure what to say. So I told her that I would still get the port, even though I hate it, and eat glazed donuts when the taste aversions come (more on that later). I've been thinking about that since last Monday and I still feel like I haven't come up with much.... (more on THAT later).


The PET scan.... (I seriously can't believe I have not blogged in five weeks...) IT CAME BACK CLEAR!!! I had my PET scan a week after my 8th chemo treatment (four month mark). I had the same tech guy, Kurt, and he even remembered me. He is so, so very nice. And he has a garden and horses and he's just a nice guy. And he has a mustache. Funny story... when I went in for my scan, because I was going to have them access my port for the radioactive sugar stuff, they called in a nurse. Well, the nurse who was called in to access my port was the same nurse who was at Radiation when I had my port placed. How funny is that? She remembered me, but it took me a bit to remember her. They go back and forth between Radiation areas (one in the hospital, one in the outpatient building). I asked her about my scar (its big and itchy and weird, unlike my other scars) and she said it looks like a keloid reaction or something, but I can ask the doctor who takes my port out about it (I asked her if they could fix it when they sew me back up :P). I don't think it's this keloid thing because, seriously, my other scar is beautiful. And the keloid thing is something people do when they scar, period. I think I'm spelling keloid wrong. Sounds right. Anyway, I'm also going to make sure I don't have a student stitching me up. :)

So back to the PET scan. Kurt got me all set up. I asked for his opinion on the least nasty drink combo for the intestine-coating stuff and he recommended Sprite. I also told him how last time it upset my stomach for a day and a half, and he gave me just a little bit less than usual. (Something like they usually give you 30 whatever measurement (mL?) and he gave me 25.) I was worried about this because I agreed to help watch a friend's kids while she worked that same day and I wanted to help, but I was worried I would be sick. I am happy to say that I was just fine! I was only a little bit sick that day, but nothing after that! It was great!!

I told Kurt I'd either be back in a couple months or three months after radiation.

We also met with the cancer radiation doctor, whose name escapes my mind right now. Oops. He's super nice and the nurses are nice and it's just another great office of people, it seems! Funny story... it's located in a really weird place and we walked up to the door and it had some "not a hospital entrance" sign on it or something, so we followed the signs that go with that one to the side of the hospital and ended up walking in through the back (hospital entrance side) of the office. We then had no idea where to go and had to be escorted back to the front, where we were parked and had not walked in. In our defense, we walked right up to those automatic doors and they did NOT open.

So the cancer radiation doctor is great. He actually showed us the PET scan results because we hadn't seem them yet (I had chemo #9, I think, scheduled for right after this appointment). He had talked to Dr. Rich and they were both VERY happy with the results. My scan was clear! This basically means that there are no cancer cells showing up! Which means... it's gone! Basically. :) Cancer cells do one of two things while they are being chemo-ized (I made this word up. I think it's great.) - they either shrink back to the normal lymph node or they scar down, like scar tissue. Mine scarred down. This means that in any subsequent CT scans I ever have, even ten years down the road, the scar tissue will be seen. But it's not a problem, as far as I know.

We discussed the plans for radiation and he explained to us how it all works. Radiation secures a cure rate for 10% of people who get it. That seems like a small number, but to that 10%, it means the world. The risks vs. benefits, with all of my factors (age, cancer, location, etc.) = me doing radiation. There is a direct correlation between teenage girls receiving radiation in the chest area and breast cancer, but he said because I'm older, that risks is VERY minimal and if I were his sister, he would tell me to still do radiation. I think it must be one of those risks he is required to tell us about, you know?

We will meet again in a few weeks, a couple of weeks before radiation starts, but according to their paper, they will give me little tattoo marks that tell them where to give me the radiation. The total time from me getting out of my car to getting back in it is 10-20 minutes each time, Monday through Friday for three weeks and one day. Typically, 3 months after radiation, they do another PET scan as a post-cancer baseline, but because our insurance resets in October and because this PET scan came back completely clear, at this point, he is willing to possibly doing just a CT scan (because they're, oh, $6000 cheaper). We will discuss this further in December and see how we all feel.

Then, twice next year (March/April and September/October - again, being understanding with our insurance), I'll have CT scans. After that, in years 3, 4, and 5, I'll only have a CT scan once a year, so long as all is well. Yes, it's a lot of CT scans.

We will probably schedule our next appointment with him next week when I go in for chemo #11!! Hard to believe #11 is here already!!

Oh... radiation is 3 weeks and 1 day long. It will make me tired, in an endurance tired kind of way. This is similar to how I am now. I have the desire to do things, and I try, but my endurance is just not there. He said this usually kicks in about halfway through radiation and lasts 10-14 days after. After that, it will take about three months for me to start feeling much, much better, though we also understand that it takes about a year before feeling 80-100% back to myself. It sure is a long road!!!

As far as why I'm still doing chemo if my scan came back clear... It is normal procedure to do an additional two months of chemo after a clear PET scan to make sure they got everything, including small traces that may not have shown up on the scan. So I shall finish my six months of planned chemo, take about 3 weeks off (they like to wait for your immune system to be back up post-chemo treatment before zapping you with radiation), and then start radiation about the first week of August. I may also have skin irritation from the radiation, but those two side-effects are pretty much it. I'll be honest with you, when he talked to radiation, it seemed like a walk in the park compared to chemo. I was ready to start then and there (but not in addition to chemo haha)! Like I really felt kind of excited for it. haha. I think it's also kind of exciting because it means the end really is in sight, and that's such a wonderful feeling. Well, the end of the treatment.

Now, because my PET scan came back clear, Patrick is no longer accepting my "C" card for most things. He says I'm cancer-free, so I don't have the excuses any more. I GREATLY beg to differ - I'm not even done with treatment! But he still gives me a hard time and tries not to let me get away with everything. At the same time... he is still super understanding when I get nothing done at home, when I'm super tired, when I want ice cream, etc. It's kind of funny. :) But he doesn't accept the "C" card anymore. He even told people at work this, haha. Whatever, silly man. :)

And moving on again...

The second ECHO test (first was a baseline, back in the beginning) to check on my heart since I'm retaining fluid like a champ.... It came back clear! I was worried because when they did the scan, the tech was teaching a student tech and pointed something out to her, but the docs all said everything was good! There is a suspicion by the NP, Nancy, that some of my fluid retention is because of sodium in my diet, particularly probably from meals we receive and freezer meals (because oftentimes meals prepared have cream of something - like chicken - in them and freezer meals are sustainable and may have more sodium, etc.). So she told me to tell the ward that I need lower-sodium meals. So I did. And I've been working on eating less sodium (because she obviously told me to cut back too), though the last couple of days I have NOT done well in that department. Nor have I been drinking enough water.

In case I didn't explain this before, I have been retaining A TON of fluid. So much, in fact, that my weight gain has reached a point where I would usually receive more chemo (just chemo to weight ratio), but they believe it's mostly fluid weight, so they haven't upped the dosage. My fingers are constantly VERY swollen (like end of pregnancy swollen) and they hurt/are uncomfortable. My belly is bloated and, frankly, fat. My feet and ankles get swollen too. Just everywhere... I'm swollen and uncomfortable everywhere... and it's because of fluid retention, chemo, and steroids. AWESOME!


So... how am I doing?

I'm tired. ALL THE TIME. Just plum exhausted. My friends, Cami and Elisa, and Cami's fiance, Justin, and Patrick, walked the Color Me Rad 5K last weekend, at the tail end of my chemo week. I need to blog about that separately, and post the pictures, but let's just put it this way, it's almost Wednesday (well, technically, it is) and I'm still sore in some places from that 3.1+ mile walk. It's crazy!!! I don't think people understand that. It just sounds like I must be really fat and out of shape to still be sore, but it has to be my weak little body. I took an Epsom salt and bath bomb bath tonight to hopefully help with some of that soreness. :)


Some other things...

The glazed donuts. I think it was 3 (maybe four) chemos ago that I started getting really bad taste aversions and aftertastes during chemo week. The first two weeks I got it, I had this nasty dirty penny taste in my mouth all day Thursday and part of Friday. It was awful and disgusting and certainly didn't help with the nausea. Well, two chemos ago, I ate a glazed donut and it took a lot of the nasty aftertaste/taste aversionness away. So I asked Patrick to go buy more donuts. I ate a lot of donuts that week. Last chemo week, I had them ready (as well as Gatorade, Sprite, and ginger ale). I ate a lot of donuts last week too. I plan to eat a lot next week as well. And two weeks after that. Then I'll be all donut-ed out. But it has helped! It's so weird. I told the NP and she was intrigued by it and said she's going to tell some of her other patients. I also told Jamie, the nurse, who said she would tell the guy who started chemo last Friday. I hope it can help other people because that taste aversion, penny, aftertaste crap is NASTY. It's just plain awful.

Speaking of awful... I told Dr. Rich and the nurses that I'm going to write "A Few of My Least Favorite Things", the chemo/cancer version of "A Few of My Favorite Things". I haven't started it, but I need to. And then I need to make a music video. Elisa said she'd do that. I just can't sing very well. Oh well, we shall see. haha. :) That penny taste will definitely be in the song.


I really haven't come up with what to tell another Hodgkin's patient to help them. Part of the reason is because I feel like I have been VERY blessed in all of this and, in some ways, it has been "easy" and I don't want to make anyone else feel bad or worse about their situation because I have been able to keep a positive attitude most of the time and because I really HAVE been blessed. I also told Jamie to tell him to have a sense of humor and she said he does. I felt like I really can't help the guy and that made me kind of sad. So I keep thinking....

But here's the thing... I really HAVE been very blessed in all of this.

I asked Nancy about my blood test results/counts because they always tell me they're a little bit down, but not much. I was curious about how they have compared from beginning of treatment up to this point. Well, before I started, I was actually a little bit anemic and I'm not now. And as far as my immune system, my count has gone from like 500 something to 300 something... or something like that. I can't remember for sure, but she said basically it's another miracle and crazy thing and it's just REALLY not that low! She said I can eat whatever I want, she doesn't care, because it's not that low! haha. (I'm still refraining to be cautious until the end of this shin dig, by the way.)

I still haven't lost my hair, like I should have MONTHS ago. I do have a lot of thinning, especially on top, and a place where it's almost bald at the crown of my head, but seriously, most people can't tell anything, and I still have hair. It's very weird to me and every time I go in they tell me it's a miracle. I also feel kind of bad about this. I have some amazing friends, and even someone who sent a package without telling me who they are, who sent me scarves, head pieces, etc. to wear when I lost my hair. I even bought some! And I haven't needed to use them. I have started to wear hats when I go out because I'm self-conscious about the thinning on top, but when I wear a hat, NO ONE can tell ANYTHING because there's just short hair sticking out. I actually feel bad for not losing my hair. It's very weird. But I feel like I also can't relate to someone who does lose their hair. And the strange thing is, I was so so so so so worried and concerned about losing my hair. It was a big deal to cut it, I cried many a night over the idea of being bald, and then one day I came to terms with it and decided that it would be okay to be bald. A part of me actually looked forward to it. It's sad and annoying to constantly be shedding and have to use Drain-O every few weeks because you've clogged the drains again. In some ways, I still wonder what it'd be like to be bald and think it's weird that I'm not. In some ways, I think it's harder to still continually lose hair and to have the thinning of what I think of as old lady hair thinning than to lose all of it. But basically, I feel like I can't relate to another cancer patient who lost their hair because I haven't. And I feel, in a small way, like I'm not a "real" cancer patient because of this as well. On the flip side, clearly Heavenly Father has blessed me and it has been a tender mercy that I still have hair. It's a HUGE blessing, really, maybe even a divine signature. He knows me so well and He heard my prayers and felt my tears as I worried about losing my hair. I don't feel bad for having cut it short because I think that actually helped it stay longer, but it's all just interesting and unique.


We are having family pictures taken in a week and a half by a group called Heal Courageously. The founder had cancer herself, just three years ago. They take photos for free to help you document the process. Part of me, again, feels bad for taking advantage of this because I am not bald, but I do have cancer, and I am physically different, and I do want to document this time of my life, and I want to document it with my family.

Oh, my eyelashes are basically non-existent, my eyebrows have thinned and apparently they are also turning white. I can't see any of these white lashes, but three trusted sources, including Patrick, Sarah, and someone else, told me there are white ones in there. It's weird. I busted out the eyebrow pencil my friend, Kelli, gave me 4 months ago just in case I would need it, the other day to go to a party. I wanted to feel semi-normal. And I did. The hair on the rest of my body has thinned or disappeared as well. Seriously, the hair on your head is supposed to go first because those cells are supposed to reproduce faster than the rest of your body. Apparently having slow-growing hair is now a blessing, not a curse. ;-)

Also, if I pick at something on my arm, it doesn't heal like it used to, nor do small scratches. So I have some spots on my arms that look like little brown spots because the area didn't bounce back and heal like it used to. That's weird too, but it does make me look more like a cancer patient. ;-)

And I am 20 lbs heavier. Hello, a whole different me. Yes, that is a lot of weight, and yes, I know it.


So that was a lot of update. I feel tired all the time, but I want to do things with my kids. They have done SO WELL with all of our crazy life changes for the last 4 1/2 months and in the last couple of weeks they have been struggling a lot. They are grouchier, meaner, and just overall not very well-behaved. They are naughty and it is exhausting me. Bella has been particularly challenging.

My friend, Sarah (also known as Lokey because I love and like her, thus, I loke her), came to visit for a few days. Bella behaved worse than she has in weeks, maybe even months, the entire time Sarah was here. She threw the biggest temper tantrum I've seen all year. I need to blog about Sarah's visit too. It was so wonderful.

I just don't know what to do with Bella and my patience is so thin because I literally don't have the energy to fight with the kids - particularly when it comes to bed time. Makenzie is recently afraid of monsters and bedtime, but I think, after two weeks, I might have a solution - keeping the bedroom door open at bed time, even though they USUALLY go to bed when the sun is still sort of up. But they've started a lot of nights in our bed and then I've had to ask Patrick to move them, simply because I don't have the energy to be the firm parent I need to be at bed time in order to keep kids in their beds (sending them back as they come out with reasons to stay awake, managing them when they scream and cry about going to bed, etc.).

Anyway, that's been difficult, but they have been good for so long, so really, it's okay.

Well, this was an incredibly long update and it's so late now that I'm REALLY starting to not be able to properly function. I'll post some more later with actual pictures and stuff. :) I know those are the best posts anyway. ;-)



2 more chemo treatments left!!! :) :) :) :)

Sunday

I taught Relief Society today. The lesson was on President Monson's talk "Consider the Blessings" from General Conference, October 2012.

A few weeks ago, on a Sunday that I was "quarantined" to home, I listened to all the talks for the lessons I'll teach through June. They all really touched me. I remember crying while listening to this one and thinking to myself, "I'm glad I won't have to teach this talk." because the date of teaching coincided with another quarantined Sunday. But then the RS presidency let me switch weeks with another sister so that I could teach it today. Oh, the Lord works in mysterious ways. ;-)

I didn't want to teach this lesson probably because it touched me so much. I feel like I have been considering the blessings pretty well the last few months, but I also feel like I always need to consider them more.

These are the "talking points" from my talks. I made this little snazzy handout with quotations from the talk, key points I thought would be beneficial to remember.

Consider the Blessings, President Monson

October 2012 General Conference

“We live in a unique time in the world’s history. We are blessed with so very much. And yet it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged… rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness.”

“…take an inventory of your life and look specifically for the blessings, large and small, you have received.”

2 Nephi 2:25 – Men are, that they might have joy. “I testify that much of that joy comes as we recognize that we can communicate with our Heavenly Father through prayer and that those prayers will be heard and answered – perhaps not how and when we expected they would be answered, but they will be answered and by a Heavenly Father who knows and loves us perfectly and who desires our happiness.”

D&C 112:10 – Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to they prayers.

“…the Lord’s purposes are often accomplished as we pay heed to the guidance of the Spirit. I believe that the more we act upon the inspiration and impressions which come to us, the more the Lord will entrust to us His errand.”

“I have learned never to postpone a prompting.”

“…our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance… no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives.”

And now my font has changed. :) Well, anyway.... 

 I fixed it.

So that's what we talked about in Relief Society and what I've been thinking about this last week, especially. I also made a list in my journal of my blessings. It's a long list and ranges from simple things like the close proximity of our ward building to "deeper" things like the fact that our marriage is good, my family is healthy, the inspiration of the amazing doctors working with me right now, etc. 

I had my first "cancer card" thought this past week took. And it bothered me that I thought it. Since we found out about the cancer, when people have said anything like, 'oh you have cancer, why am I complaining?' or ANYTHING like that... I've always tried to reassure them that we all have concerns, issues, worries, etc. and they are a big deal to each of us, in our own ways. So what is a big deal/concern to you really is a big deal and it isn't diminished because you're talking to me, the cancer girl. But this week, I had the thought that this other person's issues were not as big of a deal as mine and that they shouldn't be complaining so much. And I felt awful for even thinking that! 

I have been working on being compassionate towards others, trying to understand them and the reasons they do things, rather than jump to conclusions about things and make assumptions. So why was I so annoyed? I still don't have an answer to this. 

Tonight, our Stake hosted a fireside. They're doing them every 3rd Sunday now - and I love that! Al Fox came. She has a {blog}, was on the cover of LDS Living, has a Mormon Message and has become known as "The Tattooed Mormon." Holy her message was amazing. Absolutely amazing. 

One of the key points I wrote down tonight is that we each choose... We choose to get mad, offended, bothered - or not. We choose to keep going, have faith, trust the Lord - or not. It always comes down to choosing God - or not. 

I love this. It's so true. We really do get to choose - the good and the bad. It's in our mindset and how we decide we are going to perceive the world around us and our experiences. We choose what will affect us, both negatively and positively. We even have to choose the good, it doesn't just happen. 

Some of the other things I wrote down are:

- The Spirit of the Lord makes you change. 

- The Spirit gives you happiness.

- If you've chosen Christ, your decisions are made - because you've made your decision already. 

- Your answer can come as a reoccurring thought. 

- Why is something so right so hard? (oh, how I love this! Isn't it true???)

- Have prayers of gratitude - the Lord knows what you need. Christ didn't ask, He had prayers of gratitude. (The Lord already knows what we need, so we don't need to focus on ask, ask, ask, instead we ought to have prayers of gratitude and tell Him what we are thankful for.)

- Pray with only gratitude - don't ask for anything (not every prayer, but definitely do this.)

- Keep going. Don't take a break - that's when fear, doubt, and temptation enter. (I LOVE this one too.)

- If Heavenly Father wants you do to something, He will show you how (she spoke about how she makes videos and how she didn't used to know how to do that). 

- It's not about what others need to overcome and conquer - it's about me, it's about what I need to overcome and conquer (it's personal, not about others - Love this one too!!!)

- As you follow the Lord and trust in Him, you'll find yourself in places you never dreamed of. 

- Heavenly Father is there, He is in everything (which was one of the points of my lesson today and something that I have grown to have a very strong testimony of - He is in the details of our lives, every single little detail). 

- Just try - regardless of what you think you're doing or who you're affecting.

- It will consistently be hard; that won't change.

- In all of her trials (and she had some pretty rough ones), not once did the happiness she felt leave. She was doing what the Lord wanted her to.

- You can and you will overcome absolutely everything (isn't that wonderful?)

- Hard times are there, but so is Christ. 

- Forget not whose hands you are in. Forget not that you have a God. Forget not that you have a God who is always there for you, individually.

- What we are doing is real. It is the greatest thing we will ever be a part of. (this gospel)

- She said she is so grateful to do as she is asked (by the Lord). (I want to feel this way, I want to follow the Lord and be grateful that I am.)

- Strength comes from the Book of Mormon.

- Put God first, no matter what, and things will always work out.

- If you feel like you don't fit in, you are wrong. You are a part of this. This is real.

- Alma 56:46. Our God is with us.

- What we do matters. It makes a difference.

- Your efforts don't go unnoticed. 

- Do not hold yourself back. (I love this one too!)

I just loved everything she said. The Spirit was so strong and I felt like one of my sisters was speaking to us - because she IS our sister. She was so real, what she said was so heartfelt, and it was all true. Every word she spoke was true. It was really beautiful and I'm so, so glad we attended. 

Chemo #8 tomorrow. PET scan next week. We're getting' there! 

Happy Monday - Let's Give Something Away!!

Remember that Etsy shop I told you I started? 

Well, today we are being featured on an AWESOME blog and we are doing a big, huge, super fab giveaway!! 

I'm giving away a really cute hooded towel... one of these two...

And my friends are giving away all kinds of other stuff - monogrammed shirts, cute headbands/hair bows, photography sessions, a sun bather towel, and more!! 

So you should head on over to Newlyweds on a Budget (remember the lady I blog-stalked last week and fell in love with? Yep, she's the host!) and enter the giveaway!!! 

http://www.newlywedsonabudget.net/2013/05/the-perfect-way-to-start-monday.html

Let the fun begin!!!!

Mother's Day

My heart is full today. I am so blessed to be the mom of my two girls. They bring so much joy into my life.

My Bella girl wanted to cuddle with me all last night - she didn't go to bed until VERY late so that she could cuddle with me on the couch. We have been cuddling a lot lately and I love it. It makes me so happy to hold my children in my arms and hug them tight.

Today I went to church even though I wasn't supposed to just so that I could see Bella sing the Mother's Day songs in sacrament meeting and then give her scripture in Primary that she has been working on all week. She has that scripture memorized! But right before all the kids went up to sing, Bella got a major case of stage fright. Nothing and no one could get her up on the stage! I couldn't even convince her by telling her Daddy could go with her. She knows all the songs; I know she does because she has been singing them all week. I was so excited to see her sing them with all the gusto and excitement she has about everything else in life. And to see her up there singing so proudly because she knows the words and she loves me. And this little girl wants to go up and bear her testimony on a regular basis (she doesn't, but she wants to). Last year, it was everything we could do to keep her from going up with the kids to sing because she wanted to be up there. It was just totally out of character. But she snuggled on my lap, and what more could I ask for? I held her tight and wrapped my arms around her. I'm a sobfest, so of course I was bawling my eyes out, but not because I was sad that she didn't sing. I was bawling because I love my baby girls and Bella didn't want to leave me to sing. I was bawling because I felt so blessed and lucky to have these girls and I felt so blessed to be able to be at church with them today. It's okay that she didn't sing - though I really have no idea where her bout of stage fright came from - because she's my daughter and I know that she loves me, even if she doesn't sing. My heart was also touched by all the other kids singing so proudly to their moms. There was so much love at church today.

Bella decided not to give her scripture today either. I really just do not know what got into her. She wasn't singing the wiggle songs at the beginning of Primary, she didn't want to go sit with her class, she was just being so out of character. I even tried to bribe her to get her to give her scripture. She wanted nothing to do with it - and I was offering up some good prizes (shoes, necklace, earrings, toy, basically anything she wanted). She told the Primary President she wants to do it next week, so we will try again next week. I'm super shocked by her stage fright, it's so unlike her, and she really has the entire scripture memorized, but she's her own little spirit and person and it's okay that she didn't do it today. I'm just going to give her more hugs when she gets home today. :)

I really do feel so blessed and fortunate to have my kids. And I really am a sobfest - I have my Dad's emotions and for goodness sake, we bring the waterworks everywhere we go. I actually didn't wear makeup to church today because I knew I would cry. :)

Makenzie is such a lively little girl. She is all over the place at church and, yet, she is maintained and doesn't go too crazy, so she's really not as crazy as she could be. haha. :) She plays so well with Bella and with other kids. She's outgoing and silly and she knows who she is. I'm grateful that I have two little spunky girls who know who they are and aren't going to let anyone else tell them who to be. I hope they stay that way their entire life.

I wish I could remember all the details of their lives. I feel like I can't even remember which one was more of a cuddler as a baby or who is the more mellow one. I'm hoping my poor memory motivates me to blog/journal about them regularly so that I can remember later on down the road. They're such wonderful children and I want to be here for every single thing that happens to them in life. I want to be by their side or cheering them on from the bleachers, whatever it is and wherever it is. They're my pride and joy and they make me so, so, so very happy. I love my little girls.

To My Mommy

This is my mom. 

She is my best friend.

We always take awesome pictures together, like this one.

This is my mom and dad and the girls last summer. That was a fun night at the Bar J.

My mom is one of my favorite people in the entire world. (So is my Dad, but I'm talking about my mom tonight.) We were definitely buds before we came to earth. She knows me probably better than anyone else. Patrick is learning, but my mom has about 20 years on him. ;-) We are BUDS. I love my mom so much. I look up to her, admire her, want to be like her, respect her thoughts and opinions, and I just think she is amazing. 

I grew up as the only girl in a house of 5 kids. I got spoiled - by both of my parents. I always loved going out with my mom, even if it was just to run errands. I liked to be around her. She was always teaching me things - she still does. She taught me how to play softball and was ever so patient with my very impatient attitude. She taught me how to write a solid sentence and put an English paper together. I'm pretty sure I learned how to "fluff" a paper from my mom too. It's a technique and a skill, really. :) She would buy me clothes, buy me clothes that I don't think my dad would have ever allowed me to get, and she helped me choose my Homecoming and Prom dresses - even the one my brother called a hand towel and said I couldn't go to the dance in if I was going with his friend. She bought Baskin Robin's by the gallon... or more - triple gallon? :), whatever that giant bucket's size is. She loved Jamocha Almond Fudge and Daquiri Ice. I loved Daquiri Ice. Yum. We had giant buckets of these in the deep freezer, so long as Baskin Robin's had enough to sell us some. 

My mom taught me to drink Coke and eat Frito's. When I was a teenager, she would do that and I would drink Pepsi and eat Nacho Cheese Dorito's. She still loved me. She taught me that a fountain Coke is the best kind of Coke. And just how much ice makes it perfect. 

My mom taught me to enjoy a good surround sound system when watching movies. My dad did too. We watched a lot of movies growing up. Nearly every conversation my family has involves movie quotations. And, in fact, a couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend at church and I quoted so many movies/tv shows in a short amount of time that she noticed and said, "You watch a lot of movies huh?" Well, I sure did growing up. :) We still quote movies from 10-15 years ago in my family. A get-together with my family is like "Who's Line is it Anyway?" and "Name that movie."

My mom has amazing intuition. She has had answers for me before I knew what the question was. I have both listened and not listened to my mom. I listen to her now. I look to my mom for advice and support and she gives it in just the right amount. My mom has been there for me in my worst, darkest days and on the brightest and best days of my life. She has flown halfway around the world to be there for me when I needed her the most. She even Skyped with us when we chopped my hair 3 months ago. At 4:00 in the morning, her time. She had a Coke. :)

I have always wanted to be a mom and I have always looked to my mom as a role model. I could tell that she loved being our mom. Sure, she didn't like us every day, but she loved being Mom and she loved us. I have always wanted to feel the same way about my role as mom. I learned how to be patient (though it's taken me years to put it into practice), kind, humble, and loving, and how to sacrifice from my mom. When I became a mom, one of the first things I wanted to do was tell her thank you for being my mom. When mommyhood started, I apologized for being the teenager I was and told her thank you for putting up with me. I'm sure I still have no idea what she did for us on a regular basis. 

My mom waited up for me when I broke curfew. She only had to look at me - I knew what I had done, and I didn't do it very many times. My mom taught me "the look." 

My mom gives the best hugs. When anything in life isn't grand, a hug from my mom fixes it. I feel like I am home when I'm around my mom. I kind of stick to her like glue any time she visits - I just can't get enough of her! She is so warm, kind, and good. And she is SO funny. Man, is she funny! My mom is so quick and witty, it's amazing! And when we get together, we feed off of each other. Patrick says that he doesn't even try to keep up with us anymore. 

My mom is my best friend. She has always been there for me, as a listening ear, a voice of guidance, or a voice of reassurance. She gives me strength. She's been dealt a "fun" hand and she is so positive and so strong. She just keeping going because what else is there to do? "I can do hard things," she says. And she can. And because she can, because she taught me that I can, I can do hard things too. She pushes herself and gives so much of herself to those around her and whoever needs her. I know that I can overcome trials because my mom taught me that I can. She taught me to be a fighter, to be passionate, and to never give up. 

I love my mom so much and I hope that when I grow up, I can be just like her. 

I love you, Mama-san. Happy Mother's Day!

Chemo #4a

I was going to blog today while I was at chemo, but I couldn't remember my email password to log in to Blogger, so I waited.

Something amazing happened today. Okay, a few things...

#1 - It's our SEVEN-year anniversary today! It's hard to believe that seven years is already here. Time has flown by and it really does seem like we just got married yesterday. At the same time, our wedding day feels light years away. We celebrated last Thursday by going to Salt Lake and attending the temple (haven't been to the SLC in a few years), where we were married. We did a session after we were sealed and took pictures and everything and it was wonderful. It was wonderful to go back for our anniversary and remember our wedding day and look at the temple with "older and wiser" eyes, ears, and hearts as well. It was really wonderful.

A week before we got married, in North Carolina at our Engagement Party.

Our wedding day - yeah, we started that Chucks trend. :p We still have our shoes. 

After the temple, we talked to an usher/senior missionary for a while. He was in the Air Force, so he and Patrick gabbed it up for a while. Then we put our stuff back in the car and walked over to City Creek, where we had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. {I have pictures of our date - well, just a couple, but some cleaning angels came to my house today while I was at chemo and I don't know where the cable/adaptor/loading thingy is to get them off the camera. I'll have to ask them.} Anyway, Patrick had never been to the Cheesecake Factory, and it's a nice restaurant, so we decided to go there for our special night out. We were both STARVING by the time we got there and couldn't clearly think or decide what to eat, so we ordered an appetizer. The most delicious appetizer I've had in a long time - Buffalo Blasts. Holy yum. I honestly think that the next time I go to the CF, I will order them as my meal, haha. :) (We did have a Zub's sub for lunch, but our bellies were hungry by dinner time!!!) Anyway, after we got some yummies in our tummies, we were able to think more clearly and ordered our food. We had fun with our server, I saw the server who gave me a side hug the night I went out with my friends and chopped my hair off, and it was just a blast. We had an amazing conversation and it was SO SO nice to really talk to my hubby - seems like it has been ages since that happened. :)

After dinner, we walked around City Creek a bit and Patrick let me buy some bath things from Lush. I told the ladies there about my cancer (cancer card!) and they gave me three samples on top of everything else I bought. They helped me choose some relaxing items and some anti-nausea (hopefully!!) things as well. They also gave me some "detox" stuff too. I'm going to try them this week and I pray that they help!!

We were pretty exhausted by this time, so we headed home. Thank heavens for wonderful friends and family who watched the girls so that we could celebrate our anniversary. We are sooooo very blessed to have all of you in our life, especially right now.

So anyway, it's our anniversary today and we barely saw each other. haha. I didn't take work off and neither did Patrick. We said, "I love you," and "happy anniversary!" but we pretty much saw each other in passing. Another day in the life of the Murrays. I'm so grateful that we had Thursday to celebrate.


#2 - While I was at chemo, I read on Facebook about a lady who died during childbirth (c-section) today from complications of placenta previa and placenta accreta, giving birth to their sixth child. I didn't know all the details at the time - just that this mom died while giving birth to their sixth child, a little boy. My heart broke for her family. What a tragic and painful experience. A friend posted about the Plan of Salvation and eternal families and how she is grateful for them, especially in times like this. I am too. I am sooooo incredibly grateful for eternal families, for the blessing of families, and for the blessing it is that those who pass on are still with us when we need them. I know that when we conceived Bella and my grandfather died that they were hanging out in Heaven together. She never met Grandpa Noel here on earth, but I know that she knows him and that they are buddies. She would make him smile, I just know it. But our knowledge of these things does not make death, especially one like this an easier burden to bear at all times, especially right away. Even with the comfort and knowledge, it is still hard.

Well, as we left the hospital today, feeling good after chemo (surprisingly), we passed through a group of about 20 people near same-day surgery. They were sniffling and some were crying. That didn't really make sense near same-day surgery. Same-day surgery should be easy surgeries, not life-threatening ones. And then it dawned on me. I had not thought for even a minute that this woman might be in this very hospital, but I knew it was her friends/family. I kind of felt like I was walking right through a family event/reunion/something. I felt bad for passing through them with my life intact and my family healthy. I heard a woman telling someone on the phone, "She had the baby today, but she didn't make..." I won't lie, I cried. I said to Patrick, "Oh my gosh, I know what this is. I know who these people are!" and told him what I had inferred from Facebook. I visited the woman's Facebook page and cried for the babies (children) and husband who lost their mother and wife. I'm a sobfest as it is, but I have been tearing up ever since. When we walked through these people, she had passed away less than hour beforehand. Their emotions were fresh and raw. I was passing through their mourning so nonchalantly, with things going very well in my life. (Yet another time I have felt so lucky and bad for just having Hodgkin's and not something worse.) I could feel the Spirit there and area was heavy and united. It was a very surreal feeling to walk right through that.

I pray for the Galbraith and Lawrence families. I pray that that will find comfort and strength and that angels will be with them at this time. Heavenly Father loves this family and He will guide them through one of, if not THE hardest times of their lives.



Now that we have had a sapfest and a sobfest, let's talk a little business.


#3 - I felt surprisingly very good after chemo today. I don't usually feel so good. I usually feel groggy and sort of nauseous. Steroids aren't kind. But I felt good. I felt bad that someone was bringing us dinner when I felt so good, but I knew it wouldn't last. And it hasn't. Around 6:00, those feelings started to present, as well as the "restless" feeling. I still need to take the Lorazepam for that. Ugh, I'm tired of drugs, but gosh darnit, they work so well!

One of the drugs I get - I should say chemicals I get, makes my pee red/orange. It's really bizarre. It also makes it smell funny, chemically. I hate it. It's a smell that makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Chemo makes everything I do smell/taste funny. It isn't pleasant. Darn that super smelling I got with my pregnancies that never went away. Haha.

This was my 7th treatment, so I'm officially over the halfway mark and on the down-hill. I want to have a party when I'm done with radiation - so be thinking of things to do in October and send me your ideas. It needs to be good, but not too exhausting. But I want to have a party. Hair or no hair.

Oh, yeah. That's thinning a lot more now. I kind of feel like an old lady - I'm balding on the top of my head. :) It seems like only people who actually know me can tell, but they can tell. One friend asked to feel my hair - sure, no biggy. She said it feels the same as people who have fine, thinner hair. I'd agree with that. There's just less there now than there was. I'm so grateful that I had so much to start with.

I've gotta be honest with you, though, I think I'm okay with the idea of it all falling out. I stressed, worried, and commiserated for so long about losing my hair and it hasn't. What a blessing that has been. But I think I'm finally ready to let go and move on to the next stage, if it is going to come to me. My hair might just get thinner and thinner. I may end up looking like Gollum. But less blue.

But I have some really cute head scarves, so it's okay if I lose my hair. That's kind of a weird thing to say, but I think I'm okay with it. And in all actuality, it's kind of annoying to be shedding so much. I have a lot of hair to lose before being bald. I've already put major Drain-O in the sink once and it needs it again, just a few weeks later. Every time I shower, the water pulls more hair out. If I brush my hair, it just comes right out. It's a totally bizarre thing. Really bizarre. But Gollum is pretty famous, so it can't be all bad. My preciousssss..... hair. ;-)

I'm swollen all the time, so I asked Dr. Rich about that today. He said it's normal and happens to some people, especially those who have allergies. I don't have allergies, but I have plenty of swelling. Even my eyelids are swollen - like all the time. I wear more make-up now, including eye liner, because of it.

My eyelashes and eyebrows have less hair than they used to. My eyebrows look really light to me. It's so weird.

And I have a chemo baby in my belly.

Just kidding. That's me at 9 months with Makenzie in my belly. 

My chemo baby is smaller. Can't even compete with a human.

There are three weeks left of school. Isn't that crazy? I'm ready for summer and yet, it doesn't really mean much more than not having to get subs or go to school. Chemo isn't stopping, I don't really get a break, and life will just keep going. But I'll be able to stay up as late as I want whenever I want (read that: whenever my old lady, chemo baby gut, chemo exhaustion body lets me). 10:00 sounds late to me these days.

And I'm finding myself rambling now. I am a wordy son-of-a-gun. So I'll call it a night, finish my Ginger Ale, and go watch some Chuck and fall asleep on our silky sheets that we were given as a gift years ago and just put on our bed. The silky pillow case should keep me from losing as much hair from friction in my sleep. Big Whammy!

Goodnight. Here's to another chemo week. 

7 down, 5 to go! 

(I used to count down to the end of chemo, but as we are getting closer to it, I am starting to count down to the end of radiation, end of September/beginning of October. There WILL be a party.... of some kind.)