Chemo Weight Gain

I'm blogging from my iPad. :)


Remember me saying that chemo makes you gain weight, not lose it? Ugh. It's true. And I hate it.

I've definitely gained weight. And here's the thing that sucks. Every time I go to the doctor, they weigh me. Not necessarily to see how much I've gained, but to ensure that the doses of the drogas are appropriate to my weight. Yay. But good news, they got this snazzy little digital scale and I can't see how much I weigh anymore! (It used to be the old school kind, where they move the 100 and then you dread them moving the 50 over too.)

So I look like I'm five months pregnant, but there ain't no baby cooking in there. Just some chemicals that give me gas, upset stomach, nausea, fatigue, and the urge to pee every 30 minutes. {this is sooooo like pregnancy.} And beyond looking like I've gained weight, I really have. But sometimes the only drink that I can stand to drink is ginger ale (hello, carbonation = more bloating). And good foods don't sound good, the bad foods settle my stomach - or I can at least eat them without gagging. Sometimes my gag reflex is just strong. The smell of leftovers makes me nauseous. You know that lingering smell of what you ate for dinner.... Can't stand it now. And sometimes (on a chemo week) that means that I can't/won't eat them. Yuck. I don't throw up, but I do maintain a pretty consistent level of nausea on my chemo week. Food just sucks. And holy moly, I miss salad. Oh, salad, salad, salad. My mouth waters when I see a salad on tv. I want salad. And fresh fruits and veggies, not peeled or cooked. And my insides just feel so heavy all the time (from the lack of the fresh stuff in my diet). And I really don't want to hear crap from people about what I SHOULD be eating because my doctors know what they're doing and I'm not making this stuff up. Got off-track there a bit. But really, my doctors have talked to me about the weight gain (back in the beginning) and they said it has a lot to do with everything I just described. So it just sucks. I fully expect to lose at least ten pounds pretty quickly this fall. And THAT I am looking forward to.

When strangers see me, they probably wonder when the baby's due (especially when I'm all nauseous and pathetic), but my good friends will know that I'm just uncomfortably bloated for the next six months.

Super yay.


{Sarcasm.}

1/4!

Holy amazingness! I just completed my THIRD treatment.... out of TWELVE. That's 1/4 of the way done! Times a flyin', I'm tellin' ya! 

This is grounds for a celebration.... what sooo-not-good-for-me food should I eat? :)

8 is Great!

Hey, hey, hey! I've hit over 8,000 views. Thanks for checking in!! :)

I'm famous.

Hanging Out in Chemo Land

Round 3 of chemo is happening right now. I have about 30 minutes left, so I'm getting bloated. They use sodium chloride in between each chemo drug as a rinse and it makes me bloat. I, apparently, retain it like it's the end of the world. :) It's joyful. By the time I get home I will look like I'm popping out of the first trimester. 

I should put chemo into trimesters and take pictures like people do with babies. That would be amusing. And creepy.

Speaking of pictures, once I figure out how to get them off of my phone, I'll add them to this post. I took a few today. They're grand.

Patrick had to work and couldn't stay with me, so I got some homework done, some Oregon Trail Settlers-ing done, and some Instagramming and Facebooking. Oh, I live the high life. 

I also witnessed my first bell-ringing. When you finish your last round of chemo, you get to ring a bell. And you get a bottle of Martinelli's. Sweet, huh? Can't wait. 

I realized that I have chemo on our anniversary. 7 years of bliss... hanging out in Chemo Land. Oh yeah!! Ah... it's okay. Maybe we'll go out the Saturday before. :)

Can you believe I've already finished a month of chemo?? And today makes 1 1/2 months. Wow, times a flyin'! 

My friend is coming over tonight for a bit and I'm really excited to see her. I hope I'm coherent. :) And the kids are having a sleepover last this week. I think they'll have a lot of fun - they'll be gone for my worst days. I'll miss them, but I'm very glad they'll be with someone who will play with them and give them the attention they need. And who will not make them forage on their own for food and drink. ;-) Though I'm really grateful they know how to open the fridge and that we have Capri Suns. :) Capri Suns are snack packs are life savers these days!

Oh! I still have my hair. It's supposed to be gone, but it's not! It's definitely falling out, getting thinner, etc. but it's (apparently) hanging on for its dear life. heh heh heh. I'm so funny. Anyway, I'm not bald yet. That's pretty nice. My hair cut is pretty cute, so it's kind of fun to have. Can you believe that? I actually like my short hair. How dare I say that! It's kind of fun, though. I'm not gonna lie, though..... it sucks to see it falling out when I wash it and when I put the hair stuff in to style in. Pretty lame. 

I've gotta tell ya. I'm super bloated right now. I could maybe even be finding out what this chemo baby is - boy or girl? What do you think? I'm leaning towards girl because of how cancer fights. Such a girl! 

Anyway, I'm almost done and I'm getting kind of loopy. I'm going to go try to drink some more. Gotta keep up the fluid intake to flush out the kidneys so I don't fry them while I'm loading up on poison. I'm tellin' ya... .I am living the high life!!

Until next time.... We out. *namethatmovie*

Chopped... The Hair Off.

So cutting the hair....

Wednesday at my nadir appointment, the NP suggested cutting my hair THIS past weekend because it will probably fall out by the first week of March, so waiting a week might be too late. That gave us TWO days to plan it all. But we did. It all fell into place... work schedules switched, my parents helped us get a hotel room, babysitting fell into place (seriously, a huge thank you to Jessica H and her family for watching our girls and to Mia's grammy for watching her and to Derek for letting Jessica run away for the weekend, his free weekend, and to Rachel for taking the time to photograph the evening for us), and we headed to Salt Lake City. 

Gillian and I first went to the wrong Marriott - they were VERY nice - and then to the correct one. Oops, Salt Lake.... and we checked in. My friends Mikelle and her mom, Gayla, left an amazing gift bag full of all kinds of goodies for me at the front desk. I got it when we checked in. Gillian showed all the excitement for me that I felt inside. :) I actually thought it was from my mom, but when I read the card, I cried. How sweet of them to do that for me. So we went up to our room and got sort of settled. Then we headed out so we could go to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We got our little buzzer and waited for Jessica and Kelli to arrive. We were seated shortly after they got there and our evening of adventure really began. 

Left to right: Kelli, Gillian, Jessica, me.

The Cheesecake Factory reminds me of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory... I mean, seriously. The decorations are swirly, the doors are huge, and the servers walk around in ALL WHITE. They're in the shrinking room, I just know it. It's such a whimsical restaurant and it was so fun to go with friends. I hadn't seen Kelli in a few years, so it was fun to catch up and remember some of our bizarre quirks - like how she goes to the bathroom A LOT. A lot more than the two pregnant ladies. That became a joke. As did the Dyson hand dryer in the bathroom. Gross. :) And that ketchup there in the picture - the server dropped it off for Gillian, but he did it so secretly that it basically just showed up. It was amusing being in Willy Wonka's restaurant. 

We definitely got cheesecake - four different types - and we definitely stopped taking pictures. We are insane. But we were having so much fun!

At the end of the meal, the server asked how the check was being split and assumed that there would be four separate checks. My friends started explaining that I was not paying and Kelli had a gift card, but Jessica was paying for me, and Gillian for her and and and... and put it on one check. haha. He said he figured it was my birthday or something and that's why I wasn't paying. I said, "Nooo.... Ihavecancerandmyhair'sgoingtofallout." Just like that. And he looked SO shocked. He said, "Really?" about five times. Okay, maybe not five, but he was shocked. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to do something for me, and finally he just asked if he could give me a hug. So I got a side-hug from a stranger dressed in all white at the whimsical Cheesecake Factory. He was actually a very nice server, but he seemed to feel so bad for me. It was a very sweet thing to do, though. 

Side note: I ended up being the driver this weekend for a few different reasons, and let me tell you, I am NOT good at driving in Salt Lake. I get anxiety and I get snippity, and I just don't like it. But my friends survived and we managed to get around. Thanks for not killing me, friends. :)

So we took our super full bellies back to the hotel. Shortly after we arrived, Rachel, the photographer, arrived. I met her through a mom group on Facebook and she offered to do a shoot of some kind during this ordeal and Wednesday, I asked if she would do this. 

I don't think I ever actually saw this part of the hotel, haha. :)

I was afraid that I would not be looking super great with the short hair cut, so I put make up on before getting it cut. :) I also didn't want to look totally homely with the photos and all.

That razor makes some terrifying sounds near the ears, but Gillian really knows what she is doing. She is SUPER talented. 

Gillian also offered to wax my beastly eyebrows, so we did that first. :)

And my mom and two other BFF's - Jessica B. and Mikelle (yep, the gift-giving one) Skyped in with us since they couldn't be there in person. 

That's my old hair - after getting it wet for the hair cut of the century.

My "before" - suppose I could've closed my mouuuuuth. ;-) Mikelle and Gayla gave me that cute 'A' necklace. I love it.

Kelli was in charge of recording video on the iPad to send to Patrick... and then he left his cell phone at home. I still haven't watched these videos.

Getting ready to chop it off.

And there she goes. Also a bizarre sound.

My mom and I have always had this thing... holding the pinky up when we drink. Well, my mom just does it. Everyone on Skype was doing this - when everyone wasn't frozen. This is just my uppity pinky.

Mid-hair cut.

I didn't watch. I was actually afraid it would be A LOT more emotional, but I felt okay. 

My gorgeous friend, Kelli, decided to chop her hair off with me. She asked me privately earlier in the evening if it would help me or if I'd like her to and I wasn't sure. Well, after my hair was all gone, I was kind of okay with that idea. And she had been thinking about getting a new hair do, so it wasn't all bad. She's beautiful either way and I felt so honored and loved that she would chop her hair off with me. I also felt like I wasn't alone because someone else lost their hair too. If that makes any illogical sense. Love this lady so much. We have known each other for like 7 years.

Everyone Skyping was also drinking some kind of Coke... that was pretty funny, too. Mom - regular, good stuff. Mikelle - Vanilla. There must be something wrong with her. ;-) and Jessica B. - Diet Coke with lime, which is the only way to bearably drink the Diet stuff. ;-) I just love that my Skyping "besties" are all Coke drinkers too. And Gillian bought me a Mexican Coke - SUPER yum!

This is Kelli getting her hair chopped... obviously. :)

I took a shower because I had tiny hairs all over me, so I messed up my pretty 'do that Gillian gave me, but here we are with our "after" looks. :) It's like we're on ANTM, Kelli!!!

Love her so much! (Ironically, I have no more makeup on, haha.)

One of my favorite photos of the night.

Side-by-side comparison. Boobs to back. What boobs? :P Love you!

Kelli's long locks and my short ones. My long locks are in a pony tail in a bag waiting to be donated.

My best friends - Gillian, me, Jessica S., and Kelli. Of course we had to do a silly prego belly shot! :) For the 9 month pregnant trooper and my very own, Siri! :)

I seriously have THE best friends in the world. I can't believe they did this for me and I'm just super duper thankful. I love you guys!!!

 The night ended up being very hilarious, chill, fun, and silly. We played "Things" with the Skype-ees. That was hilarious. We all have inappropriate minds. :) I'm so glad I could do this with friends - it made it so much easier! I think I must've been mentally more ready than I thought I was because I haven't shed a tear over losing my hair. And I was actually pleasantly surprised with the style. I think it looks quite nice. Nicer than I'll probably admit to. :) But it gives me hope for when my hair grows back in. I'm not as worried about looking like a total freak because I look good now, so I'll look good then.

I think I might have more issues with the being totally bald part, but Jessica B. and her mom bought me some head pieces, so I got the courage to order some myself as well. Those should be here in the next few days, probably just in time. I'm afraid of not having hair by Monday and having to go to school for the first time with no hair. That does NOT excited me. I don't like the attention - a hair cut change was enough! :) Though I'll probably get a different kind of attention when I have no hair, but I'm wearing hats and scarves.

Anyway, the night was a total blast! We stayed up late, watched Pitch Perfect, talked, and finally fell asleep in fluffy beds with no kids kicked our sides. We woke up in the morning ON OUR OWN and had breakfast at Kneader's. We wandered around City Creek Center for a little bit, I got Apple Care for my iPad and a couple cute cardigans at Express, and then we went to back to the hotel to relax and clean up. Once we checked out, we went to the Gateway to see Safe Haven. LOVED it. And I love Josh Duhamel - just ask Kelli. :) Then we took Jessica and Kelli home, and Gillian and I ventured the snowy freeway to pick up my kids and take her home. We got behind schedule because of the stupid, awful, snowy roads. Traffic was at a stand-still going north and then really slow going south.

We were all exhausted, but I'm so glad we did this. I am so glad I have friends who came up with the idea and who were so excited to do this for me. I'm so happy that I have friends who love me so much they want to be here for me in my darkest hours and that they aren't running away. There are so many unknowns in this "adventure" and I have not been left to figure it out on my own. It is amazing. I am so blessed and so lucky.

So thank you Jessica S. and B. and H., Kelli, Gillian (THANK YOU, Gillian!), Mikelle, Mom, Rachel, and all their families who helped make the weekend possible. Thanks for loving me the way you do and always being there for me. You are the best!!!!!

(there is no way I could possibly count and individually thank everyone who has helped me and who will thank me, but thank you, all of you.)

Cutting My Hair

I have a whole blog post with pictures on the way, but until then, here is a video of our night out to cut the locks off. Rachel did a great job with the video!

https://vimeo.com/60529797

I don't know how to download it. I could use help there. :)

Tender Moments With My Sweet, Scared Baby Girl

Tonight, as I was tucking Bella into bed (she was very upset because she lost the privilege to have a lamp tonight to read, so she just got the glow of a night light), I think she accidentally let it slip that she is afraid that SHE is going to lose HER hair. Oh, how sweet my little angel is.

Broke my heart. My little baby is afraid of losing her hair because her mom is going to lose hers because of this stupid cancer. The evil "C" word. I wanted to cry, but I need to be strong for her.

I told her that she isn't going to lose her hair because she doesn't have cancer - that only Mommy has cancer, so only Mommy is going to lose her hair. I told her that I would look like her baby dolls and, jokingly, that I'll look like Daddy - she thought that was funny. My heart just aches that she thinks that she is going to lose her hair because I'm going to lose mine. How sweet my baby girl is. She is so strong and so fierce and yet, she has fears too. I cannot imagine what her young mind must be going through. She is so perceptive and aware of what is going on around her. I have no idea how much of this she understands, but I think it's a lot more than I know.

It makes me angry that this stupid cancer is hurting my baby girls. It should only hurt me, not them. I hate that it is hurting any of my family and friends. I hate that it is hard for them in any way. I hate that they have to suffer. I feel like it should only be me. I should be the only one to suffer; it isn't fair that they do too. If I could take this burden away from them, I would in a heartbeat. And, yet, I think they would say the same thing about me. Oh, how I wish no one else had to suffer because of a sickness I have.

I believe that I chose my family and that at least some of them chose me, in Heaven, before we all came here to earth. I believe that we are together for a reason, and this crappy time is one of those reasons. I have the best mother in the world who is also my best friend. We are just the best of friends. I have a husband, my other best friend, who understands me more than anyone else. He just knows me. And I have two beautiful baby girls who bring so much light and joy into our home and our family. I could snuggle my babies all day every day and let my husband hold me until I fall asleep.

I'm so grateful for family and for eternal families because I know that no matter what happens in this life, we are going to be together forever, and that has pulled me through some of the hardest times in my life, and it continues to keep me going on good days and bad. I'm looking forward to living together forever in a world that isn't full of corruption, sickness, and fears. I'm so looking forward to the day that I can hold my baby girl without her being afraid that she, too, will get the sickness that Mommy has. I'm looking forward to the day that I can play with my babies with all of my energy. I'm looking forward to experiences in this life and in the eternities. I'm just so grateful for the gospel perspective I have and for a wonderful family. I am truly blessed to be in the family that I am - both immediate, of origin, and extended. I know that Heavenly Father allowed me to be with these people and I know I made a good decision in Heaven when I picked them. :) I love my family so, so very much. And I pray that they won't have to suffer through the fears and worries of my sickness. I pray that they will have strength to overcome and fight with me, and I know that they are. I pray that the burden of worrying about me will be lifted from them because I will be okay and I don't want them to worry or be afraid.

I'm so looking forward to the day the doctor tells me I'm cancer-free! There will definitely be a celebration.