Tender Moments With My Sweet, Scared Baby Girl

Tonight, as I was tucking Bella into bed (she was very upset because she lost the privilege to have a lamp tonight to read, so she just got the glow of a night light), I think she accidentally let it slip that she is afraid that SHE is going to lose HER hair. Oh, how sweet my little angel is.

Broke my heart. My little baby is afraid of losing her hair because her mom is going to lose hers because of this stupid cancer. The evil "C" word. I wanted to cry, but I need to be strong for her.

I told her that she isn't going to lose her hair because she doesn't have cancer - that only Mommy has cancer, so only Mommy is going to lose her hair. I told her that I would look like her baby dolls and, jokingly, that I'll look like Daddy - she thought that was funny. My heart just aches that she thinks that she is going to lose her hair because I'm going to lose mine. How sweet my baby girl is. She is so strong and so fierce and yet, she has fears too. I cannot imagine what her young mind must be going through. She is so perceptive and aware of what is going on around her. I have no idea how much of this she understands, but I think it's a lot more than I know.

It makes me angry that this stupid cancer is hurting my baby girls. It should only hurt me, not them. I hate that it is hurting any of my family and friends. I hate that it is hard for them in any way. I hate that they have to suffer. I feel like it should only be me. I should be the only one to suffer; it isn't fair that they do too. If I could take this burden away from them, I would in a heartbeat. And, yet, I think they would say the same thing about me. Oh, how I wish no one else had to suffer because of a sickness I have.

I believe that I chose my family and that at least some of them chose me, in Heaven, before we all came here to earth. I believe that we are together for a reason, and this crappy time is one of those reasons. I have the best mother in the world who is also my best friend. We are just the best of friends. I have a husband, my other best friend, who understands me more than anyone else. He just knows me. And I have two beautiful baby girls who bring so much light and joy into our home and our family. I could snuggle my babies all day every day and let my husband hold me until I fall asleep.

I'm so grateful for family and for eternal families because I know that no matter what happens in this life, we are going to be together forever, and that has pulled me through some of the hardest times in my life, and it continues to keep me going on good days and bad. I'm looking forward to living together forever in a world that isn't full of corruption, sickness, and fears. I'm so looking forward to the day that I can hold my baby girl without her being afraid that she, too, will get the sickness that Mommy has. I'm looking forward to the day that I can play with my babies with all of my energy. I'm looking forward to experiences in this life and in the eternities. I'm just so grateful for the gospel perspective I have and for a wonderful family. I am truly blessed to be in the family that I am - both immediate, of origin, and extended. I know that Heavenly Father allowed me to be with these people and I know I made a good decision in Heaven when I picked them. :) I love my family so, so very much. And I pray that they won't have to suffer through the fears and worries of my sickness. I pray that they will have strength to overcome and fight with me, and I know that they are. I pray that the burden of worrying about me will be lifted from them because I will be okay and I don't want them to worry or be afraid.

I'm so looking forward to the day the doctor tells me I'm cancer-free! There will definitely be a celebration.