Update

It's been way too long since I blogged last. Some of you (you know who you are :p) are really excited for this post. I appreciate that actually.

Anyway....

I've been going through a lot mentally, and even physically, recently with this cancer crap.

I've started to get anxiety. I've been kind of upset with this illness. And it's kind of kicked my butt recently and made me kind of jet-lagged tired. I just haven't been very happy with it.

And between being tired physically, emotionally, and mentally, I haven't really been sure what to blog about.

But here I am. Two treatments ago, chemo was really weird. I got nauseous on Monday and it last all week. This last treatment, I wasn't super nauseous much at all. I did have some problems with the digestive system. I tried to drink as much as I could, but I still needed some help to keep things happily moving. And that's personal. But it's a fact. And it's frustrating and annoying.

So chemo has been kind of unpredictable recently. I'll take all the good I get. It's great when I feel good. I went in for fluids last week and I went in today. It's a good thing I went in this week because I got a sore throat (either an infection or allergies.... awesome) and I haven't really been drinking because it hurts so bad. It wakes me up because it hurts so bad. So sleep has really sucked recently too.

When I'm sick... I'm tired, I'm blah, I lack motivation, and it's just all uncomfortable. I get some nausea. It isn't AWFUL, but I've found that I can't eat leftovers during chemo week. I just can't handle it. I am perfectly fine to eat the food once, but once I smell it, I can't eat it again. And I'm a leftover queen. I ate leftovers this week for like 3 days. I love leftovers. But NOT during chemo week. It's really weird. I still try to give them to my kids, though.

I get chemo farts. I don't know if I have mentioned this before or not. But they stink. They're so gross... and chemically. Not sulfur-like.

I get really bloated during chemo. It totally sucks. Add that to the weight gain and I don't really want to go anywhere.

Speaking of going places... I'm going on a date with the hubster tomorrow. :) I'm very excited about this.

I'm very grateful for all of the help we are receiving and all the willing hands. People are so kind to watch our kids and to help us with anything we need.

On the flip side, I'm starting to feel like some people don't believe that when I'm down, I'm down because I seem to be doing so well on my good weeks. I feel like I'm starting to get some criticism and that people think I'm making things up or my needs up. I know I still have my hair. It's super bizarre and it should be gone. The nurse practitioner actually said it's a miracle that I still have it. And it is falling out, but not super fast. And it should've been gone a month ago. But because I still have my hair, I feel like people are starting to question how sick I actually am. And really, all in all, I'm doing REALLY well on chemo. It's not killing me, literally or figuratively, and that's great! But I AM sick and I am getting more and more tired and worn out, and I do need help.

The worn out, tired feeling it just this gradual thing where every day I'm a little more tired. Some days I have bursts of energy and I go and do things. But by the end of the day, I'm totally wiped out. My last good week, every single day I was totally tired and done for by 4 or 5pm. And that was my good week! And yes, I keep myself busy on my good weeks, but sheesh, that was weird.

And I'm not one to usually complain about things. I'm tough. I am. And I'm a fighter. I don't like to whine and complain and I typically don't let people know how I'm really feeling or to what degree. It usually takes a little more for people to get "in" and see and know what I'm really feeling. I have a few people right now that I allow to know the honesty. Most other people get portions of it. I'm learning to be more and more honest about it all, though, because hiding any of it doesn't help me at all. It only makes things harder for me. People want to help me and they can't if I don't tell them what I need.

I'm babbling a lot.

I'm worn out, I'm tired, I'm weaker, and I'm less than my usual self. And I weight like 10 lbs more than I used to. And that's pretty depressing. I worked my tail off to lose this weight that is now back. I'm sure some of it is fluid weight from the chemo and fluids and blah blah blah, but a lot of it is the crappy food I'm eating. I miss salads so much. I miss fresh fruits and veggies. Problem is, I'm kind of picky on that front and the ones I like are not the typically peeled ones - like strawberries, haha. So I'm encouraged to avoid them right now. Food poisoning pain for days or a few months without something I like. Hmm.... I'll skip the food poisoning on my weakened immune system so I can stay on schedule with my chemo and get it done ASAP. But it's definitely making me fatter. And that just isn't fun. I need more maxi skirts. haha. Those are comfortable and forgiving and cute. Too bad I don't gain weight in my butt when I gain weight. That'd be awesome.... since I lost that thing to my two kids.

Speaking of my kids... Bella has been expressing some anxiety and stress as well. That is really hard. She started having bad dreams and even night terrors. NOT FUN. We talked to her about monsters and stuff (her most recent fear when it comes to the bedroom. She thinks they're going to come in our house through the windows, doors, any way really) and then we prayed that the Lord would allow His guardian angels to be around our house and with us. We talked to her about getting a Priesthood blessing from Patrick, but after the prayer, she said she wasn't scared anymore and she didn't need a blessing. We told her that if she ever wants one, Daddy is here to give it to her. Two days later, in her prayer before bed, she prayed for the angels to be around our house and protect us from the monsters. But she hasn't had any more night terrors. She's been sleeping in our bed too. But holy tender mercy, we just received a FREE bunk bed set from a friend. We are so excited for this! We are going to look for mattresses tomorrow and we'll get it set up as soon as we can. Tomorrow is Patrick's day off, so we can at least get it built, even if we don't get mattresses for it. But poor Bella, I really think she was having night terrors because of the stress and worry in her life. They pray for me at every single prayer - even Makenzie. It's just part of what they pray for. Bless their little hearts. They shouldn't have to pray for their Mommy to be healthy and get better when they are so young. It breaks my heart, but it's so tender that we have the gospel in our lives, in our family life, and that they are praying for me.

Boy, where would I be without the zillions of prayers, thoughts, and good vibes on my behalf. So many people put our names on the prayer roll weekly. So many people, and even their children, are praying for us. People we don't even know pray for us. It's amazing. And I KNOW that I'm drawing strength from their prayers, thoughts, and good vibes. It is the strength of many that is strengthening me. I couldn't do this without the support and love I have. Even when I'm feeling down in the dumps.


I've started telling people how I feel about them more. I've started listening to listen nudges to text someone about how their day is, or tell someone I'm thinking about them. I didn't used to be very good at that. I do it a lot now. And it makes me feel really good. And I like the conversation and interaction, I really do. But I know I'm being blessed because I am listening to the small, tender promptings of the Spirit.

Have you noticed that when I blog... I write a lot? I'm a talker. Except right now... my throat hurts too bad. Text me. ;-)

You know, somehow I'm strong even in my weakest moments of this "adventure." I really know it's because of the gospel, my prayers, the prayers of others, and the support and love I am receiving, like I said. But it's amazing. Because I do feel worn out and beaten down. I do dread chemo treatments... a lot. I hate my port. More than anything I hate the stupid port. And it hates me. I am getting sick of the saline taste in my mouth when they rinse between drugs in my IV. I don't like the Heparin taste either. I dread those and they are becoming like Lidocaine at the dentist - just a bad reminder/memory. Gross.

Bella came with me today to get fluids. She was pretty excited to drink juice and eat crackers. We watched Netflix on the iPad. Okay, really she watched Netflix. She was watching Wonder Pets and Timmy Time. And they only speak in animal sounds on Timmy Time. It's rather annoying. Sometimes she calls it Titty Time on accident. That is pretty funny. She also calls birth marks "book marks" and tonight she told Makenzie that I just call them birth marks, like I was a looney bin who made up a name for them. Haha. She's so sweet. But she enjoyed being with me. I'm glad she was only there for fluids and not chemo.

We also went back to my regular doctor's office. I didn't actually see the nurse practitioner who is my primary care physician because she was booked, but when our appointment was done, she was in her office, so I went to tell her thank you for finding the lump/mass in my neck, even though she thought it was my thyroid. I, of course, immediately starting bawling, and she gave me a hug, but I'm just SOOOO incredibly grateful to her that she found that. She has been following my case and keeping up with things. It was good to see her and be able to tell her thank you. I have wanted to thank her for a while now. She's really great. It felt good to cry a little, though.

Anyway, I'm worn out. I AM sick. And I am strong. But not all the time. I mean, overall, I'm definitely strong and I know I can do this, but I'm tired. My house is a disaster and looks like an episode of... well, it's not quite to Hoarders yet, but it's not fun. I can't keep up with it and Patrick hasn't been able to recently, either. Our washing machine started stinking (after loads) because we have been leaving wet loads in there. Not on purpose... just because I'm too tired to switch them over. I'm just tired. I still stay up late. And sleeping isn't super refreshing because it's uncomfortable (thank you, stupid, evil port). But I'm just wearing out more and more every day. Ironically, the kitchen is probably the cleanest room in the house. I never cook. I just reheat frozen meals and microwave chicken nuggets and stuff, haha. That's not totally true. I cook on my good weeks some. But then I don't have the energy to clean up. Sounds like I total cop-out, but I swear it's not. And my husband is amazing and wonderful and doing the best job he can, but we have two little tornadoes and me when I'm feeling good starting projects and stuff. haha. It's just a lot to keep up with. I'm very thankful for the few close friends I have who have zero problems coming to help me, haha.


Unrelated, I opened an Etsy shop. I guess it's kind of related because I like to start projects, haha. Yep, I'm selling printables, baby blankets, burp cloths, and loveys right now. I just opened it and I have no orders, but that's okay. People are missing out. I'm offering 25% off. That's quite a steal since I don't charge and arm and a leg for things anyway. At least, I don't think I do. The shop's link is: http://www.etsy.com/shop/fromam2pmdesigns and my Facebook page is www.facebook.com/fromam2pmdesigns. I'm working on business cards in the next couple of days. I'm going to sew my brains out on good weeks, if I get orders, and sit around on bad weeks. Though that one time, the sewing really helped and I felt a lot better while sewing, haha. So who knows. But I love making the blankets and stuff and I want to make some extra money. It will help me be able to splurge a little. And I'm definitely an emotional shoppers, so having my own funds that won't hurt the family budget will be nice. And I can help us afford things as well. It's not all selfish. But yeah. That's what I'm working on. I just decided to go ahead and open the shop and see what happens. So... we'll see what happens! :) I see more girly crafting nights in my future. :)

I'm really grateful for all the support and outpouring of love I am receiving. All the help, the hugs, the hellos, the meals, everything. We are being so super blessed and humbled. It's really wonderful.

I'm really looking forward to watching General Conference this weekend. We watch it from home on www.lds.org. Bella gets really excited for it and I need to print out some stuff for her to do during Conference. :) Match apostles and stuff like that. :) I hope we get at least our living room picked up by then. It will really help us have the Spirit with us while we watch. I encourage all of you to tune in as well. There are always awesome messages during General Conference. I always learn something new, feel something great, and am reminded of something I knew but was starting to forget. And I always feel revitalized at the end and ready to conquer my world.

Well, time for me to go to bed. Or suck on another cough drop with numbing stuff. Sore throats suck. Almost as much as cancer. ;-) I love you, friends and blog journal.