I Wrote This in March - Some Thoughts and Reflections

I found a blog post that I wrote in early March and never published. It isn't really finished, and it's really long, but I feel okay posting it now. At the time, I wasn't sure if I was going to post it or not. I wrote it at the beginning of my cancer treatments journey. Now, at the end of them, I am finally posting it.

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I've been thinking a lot. I think I think a lot. Metacognition... Okay, anyway...

bella


Bella wanted to type her name... so there we have it! :)


Recently, I've been thinking a lot about Christ suffering in Gethsemane and the Atonement. I've been thinking about how He suffered for my sins, He experienced every pain I have and will experience (I thought a lot about this during my chemo pains and my restless arms and legs last week), and He suffered so that I wouldn't have to. And how I'm human, so I'm still going to make mistakes, I'm going to sin, I'm going to experience pains, afflictions, sorrows, etc., and yet, how I kind of don't have to - if I would just make the right choices. Not entirely. Some things I can't avoid just by making a decision (I'm still going to experience the side-effects of chemo, no matter how much I don't want to, for example). And I keep thinking about how I have a responsibility to make good decisions because I have the knowledge I need to make the decision and like... how I have the commandments and since I know them, I need to follow them. And I've been thinking a lot about Satan and how we can allow him to have so much power over us, but we don't need to allow him that power, nor should be. And I have been observing the world around me with these perspectives/views/thoughts. I feel like I'm rambling.... I am. So I hope this comes to some sense eventually.

Shawna, my sister-in-law, came over yesterday and played a couple Mormon Message videos from lds.org. They just added to my thoughts.

And last night, as I was lying in bed, I had the thought to read my scriptures. The 11:00 scripture study that isn't so effective, right? haha. I thought maybe I would just start reading again "tomorrow", but I just had this pressing feeling, like someone was telling me, "No, read them tonight. It will help." And in my scripture study, I've been in 2 Nephi 9 for like twenty years... and last night I finally finished it! And there were some verses that definitely stood out to me, spoke to me, and just clicked for me.

 27 But wo unto him that has the ^alaw given, yea, that has all the commandments of God, like unto us, and that ^btransgresseththem, and that ^cwasteth the days of his ^dprobation, for awful is his state!

 28 O that cunning ^aplan of the evil one! O the ^bvainness, and the frailties, and the ^cfoolishness of men! When they are ^dlearnedthey think they are ^ewise, and they ^fhearken not unto the ^gcounselof God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their ^hwisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

 29 But to be ^alearned is good if they ^bhearken unto the ^ccounselsof God.

"When they are learned they think they are wise, and they not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not."

How often do I think like that? Am I currently thinking like that? What is my focus? Is it on me, on being right, on me being "holier than thou"? What is my focus?! And the people I associate with - are they allowing Satan in? Who am I spending my time with? What are my thoughts focused on?

So many thoughts.

"But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God."

Because it IS good to be educated, to be learned, and to continue education. It's good to study different things, both spiritual and secular. It's good to find out the best ways to do things, to care for our families, etc.

{I feel like my thoughts are so jumbled right now, I'm sorry.... to you and to me. haha. I'm really not being very eloquent today.}

I've been thinking a lot about the world. The world tells us to gain education secularly. The gospel advises us to seek education, both secularly and spiritually. And I guess I feel like, as a Mom, there is a lot of information bouncing around and being shoved in our faces, telling us how to be the best Mom, person, individual, etc. And we have to sift through all of it to figure out what is good, honest education and what is part of the cunning plan of the evil one. And that can be so confusing sometimes. I've found that the more in-tune, spiritually, I am, the easier it is, but it isn't a cake walk just because I say my prayers and read my scriptures (which I'm definitely not a pro at anyway).

BUT I have a responsibility to sift through the muck and choose the right thing because I am educated and I know what the right thing is. It's my job to disregard all the things that tell me I'm not a good mom if I don't teach my kids to write their names by the time they're 3. Or I'm a bad mom AND wife if my house isn't clean all the time, the laundry isn't done and put away, and I don't have dinner on the table and cleaned up every single night. I can't get fast food for dinner - ever. It will kill my family and I will be left alone to suffer because I killed them off with empty calories (nope, I won't die - only they will. I will be left to wallow in misery over my lazy decision).

{I'm rambling again... still.}

I'm not always going to choose the right thing, but I should sure as heck try my darnedest. (I just really wanted to type darnedest.... it says it's a real word, by the way.) But really, "to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." and thank the heavens, we have counsel from God to help us make these decisions.

I was recently switched from being a Relief Society teacher, teaching from the prophets manual to the week that is General Conference talks. I LOVE modern revelation. And General Conference is about as modern as it gets. It's for us, we get new revelation every six months, and it is just so edifying. I think I've been thinking a lot because of this too. I have to think about my lessons more now. There aren't questions at the end of the talk to tell me what to ask the class. There is no guide, just follow the Spirit and teach what you are inspired to teach. It's great - and terrifying. But really, it's pretty awesome. And I feel like I need to read in advance more and constantly be thinking about my lesson so that I can (and am) listen and receive that revelation all month. I have a responsibility to be prepared and to educate myself so I can teach the other sisters in my ward.

Moving on to the next verses....

39 O, my beloved brethren, remember the awfulness in^atransgressing against that Holy God, and also the awfulness of yielding to the enticings of that ^bcunning one. Remember, to be^ccarnally-minded is ^ddeath, and to be ^espiritually-minded is ^flife^geternal.

41 O then, my beloved brethren, ^acome unto the Lord, the Holy One. Remember that his paths are righteous. Behold, the ^bway for man is ^cnarrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the ^dgate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name.

 42 And whoso ^aknocketh, to him will he open; and the ^bwise, and the learned, and they that are rich, who are puffed up because of their ^clearning, and their ^dwisdom, and their riches—yea, they are they whom he despiseth; and save they shall cast these things away, and consider themselves ^efools before God, and come down in the depths of ^fhumility, he will not open unto them.

The way is narrow, but on a straight path. I love that. It's not like we have to go searching through a jungle to find the Lord and His way - it's a straight path, it's just narrow. So you have to pay attention to where you're walking so you don't fall off - maybe it's like that part of the hike to Table Rock in the Grand Tetons that is on a ledge and it's really narrow, so you have to pay attention or you will tumble to your painful death. Except, if you fall off the Lord's path, you're probably not going to tumble to a painful death. :)

And the Lord is there for us. He is always there. If we are idiots and/or make mistakes, He's still there. We might have to admit that we were fools, but He isn't going anywhere, and I love that. I love that no matter who leaves me on earth, Heavenly Father is always there for me. And Christ sacrificed for me so I could experience joy. And deserve joy.

 45 O, my beloved brethren, turn away from your sins; shake off the ^achains of him that would bind you fast; come unto that God who is the ^brock of your salvation.


 48 Behold, if ye were holy I would speak unto you of holiness; but as ye are not holy, and ye look upon me as a ^ateacher, it must needs be expedient that I ^bteach you the consequences of sin.

51 Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your ^alabor for that which cannot ^bsatisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and ^cfeast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness.

 52 Behold, my beloved brethren, remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give ^athanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts ^brejoice.

 53 And behold how great the ^acovenants of the Lord, and how great his ^bcondescensions unto the children of men; and because of his greatness, and his ^cgrace and ^dmercy, he has promised unto us that our seed shall not utterly be destroyed, according to the flesh, but that he would ^epreserve them; and in future generations they shall become a righteous ^fbranch unto the house of Israel.

Next day:
I realized that I've been focusing too much on myself.