MUGA

Last night, Patrick and I watched a super depressing cancer movie called "Now is Good." We went to bed late and then Bella got in bed with us at about 1:00. At 2:00am, Makenzie woke up and was whining, crying, and wanted to get in bed with her pillow (which is long and skinny), a necklace, a nightlight and its cord, and the iPad. Holy bananas. I just wanted to sleep. Eventually, I moved Bella to the foot of the bed and that sort of worked. I needed the humidifier since I've been catching a cold recently. 

Today, I had my MUGA test. Our insurance has been giving us some issues, so it's been a mess getting this thing ready to go. But it finally happened after a long day at work. 

A MUGA is a test for my heart.  http://www.cancer.net/navigating-cancer-care/diagnosing-cancer/tests-and-procedures/muga-scan

They had to draw some blood, mix in some tracers and radioactive material, and then put it back in and scan me to see what it did, specifically with my heart and how it worked. 

Well, apparently lymphoma patients have awful veins after chemo. I think I am the perfect example of that. Last week, I had a check-up with Nancy from Dr. Rich's office and when they went to draw blood, just to run some basic tests, it took two nurses and three tries. Then one had to spread my arm and apply pressure while holding the needle in place, while the other got the viles. I left with a rainbow on my arms from the pretty gauze. 

Today, there was a student working in the radiology dept and doing everything with me, with supervision, of course. I told them my veins aren't good, and he couldn't get it to work on his first try, so he asked the supervising fella. He just called in a snazzy nurse who is good at what she does. (Or maybe he did try it first... Goodness, I can't even remember.... I think he tried it.) anyway, she tried twice, left some sweet bruises, and called in another nurse. He tried twice, left two crazy bruises, and then stopped. They put my arm down, put the tourniquet on super tight, sang happy vein songs, and the veins just kept getting blown. So they called in a couple ladies with an ultrasound machine. They used that ultrasound to find a deeper vein. She tried twice and finally got it on the second try! Seven (or eight?) tries later and we were successful! She had one lady twisting my arm to the side (since I couldn't bc of my wrist surgery) and everyone else in the room helping with supplies or well wishes. It was such a feat! 

They got the blood and I sat as still as I could for half an hour while they mixed it with the tracers and radioactive stuff. I didn't want to blow that vein too! Finally, they put the blood/radioactive/tracers mixture back in, flushed with good ol' saline, and took the needle out! Woohoo! I felt so bad that it was taking so long. I wasn't mad at anyone and it wasn't actually that uncomfortable, for the most part. It hurts more now than it did earlier haha. I felt so bad that something that should've taken ten minutes took over an hour. I'm sure it was exhausting for everyone involved, not just me. 

There were only two series of scans, but I had to hold my arms above my head. I hate doing that. It's sooo uncomfortable, tightens up my neck muscles, and since my surgery, it was just hard to do. But twenty minutes, not too shabby! 

So the MUGA is done! I found out that last week, they missed one of the tests they needed to run with my blood so they need me to come back. Ah! After today's adventure, I am just not thrilled about that. I can't even straighten my right arm right now and I have a couple really hard, bruised spots. But I'll do that. Sigh. And probably go back next week for my MUGA results anyway. 

I'm totally pooped and I wish it were Friday, but I'll survive. I'm icing my arm and I sent my family to the pool so I could rest on the couch. I did learn today that all these vein issues could become another issue if I ever get pregnant again, including my ability to get an epidural. Eek. Don't know for use, but eek. Someone is gonna have to teach me how to breathe. Haha! 

In other cancer news....

I had two people send me emails today about a friend who was recently diagnosed with Hodgkin's. I think these two totally separate people were talking about the same person (based on their description of said friend). What are the odds of that? It's interesting to me how this really is now a part of my identity. I don't mind, though, because it has had such a huge impact on my life, and if I can help someone else, that's even better. 

I didn't intend for this to be a super negative post. I just wanted to document today's test and adventure. Happy Hump Wednesday. 

Looking Back and Forward

In just a few days, it will be one year since finishing radiation (August 26), the last of my cancer treatments. Cancer has been on my mind for weeks now, but I haven't known what to say or write. I guess I still don't; I'm just being brave enough to let my fingers type and see what comes out.

It has almost been one year. I actually weigh five pounds more than I did a year ago. I gained MORE weight, you ask? Yep, I did. Don't judge me, I judge myself enough.

So let's talk fat then... I have more of that than I ever have in my life and in places I didn't realize you could HAVE fat... or rolls. Fluff. Whatever you want to call it, it isn't as fun as marshmallow fluff on a peanut-butter sandwich. But... that's probably how I've maintained it.

I have had people tell me I can just get up and go or that I can lose x amount of weight because they did, their cousin did, their mom, their uncle, whoever... But I've also had friends who have been very supportive and understanding. Trust me, I know what I look like and how much I weigh. I'm more up-close and personal with it than you are. I also know that I think about it a lot and talk about it plenty.

Yes, I weigh more than I did when I gave birth to my big babies and my wedding ring hasn't fit in over a year. But this is not baby weight. It's not lazy weight. It's not 'I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted' weight. It's cancer weight. Stupid, stupid cancer. There are many reasons people hate cancer. This is one of the reasons I hate it. I think I hate it even more because I worked really hard for over a year after M was born to get back into a healthy state. It's hard to be unhealthy and, unfortunately, I'm still unhealthy.

I read an article today that I really loved. (It can be found here.) No one's cancer is the same. No one's life is the same, honestly. But this means that even if you and I are diagnosed with the exact same type and stage of cancer, it will do different things in our bodies. You might make it and I might not. Or I could make it out squeaky clean and you could end up with some other cancer down the road or a recurrence of your original cancer. Cancer is evil.

There is one thing I don't like in that article. When someone dies from cancer, we say they "lost" the fight. I don't think that's true, and I don't like saying that. My parents recently had a friend pass away from cancer. That evil, evil cancer. He fought and fought, but he didn't "win". What do you mean? He fought and fought and he's a loser? I don't think so. Aren't we the losers because we know longer have our friend, our loved one? And yet, weren't our lives enriched by knowing this person? I don't see "losers" in the situation, though I do see those family members who are without their loved one.

My words are all jumbled and I apologize for that. I'm tired of hearing about people "losing the fight". I'm tired of cancer. 

I'm tired of "you survived cancer, so _________."

"______ didn't make it, but ______ did."

Cancer sucks. It takes lives. It makes life more difficult. It leaves its mark. It doesn't just GO AWAY. It's a beast.

YES. Cancer gives you a new perspective on life.
YES. Cancer helps us appreciate who and what we have in our lives.
YES. Treatments can save our lives.
YES. We are alive.
YES. I am alive.

But I still hate it and sometimes, I don't even like the mark it has left on me. Well, some of the marks. :)

So here are the facts...

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I can't just get up and go. I can't work out five or six days a week. Three wears me out. Yes, it's been a year, but I can't do it like you. So I'm still overweight, and no one hates it more than me.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I may or may not ever have children again. Only time will give us that answer. (And we all know that time can be really difficult to wait for...) :)

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I get tired faster than most people... even though it's been a year. Some days, I come home from a regular day of work and I'm too tired to do much more than make a simple dinner and survive until the kids go to bed. Sometimes I give them melatonin to speed that process up.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I'm uncomfortable in my skin.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I had to buy new clothes for work because I literally didn't own any pants that fit. (Not so fun when it's for bigger sizes than you are used to buying.)

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I am conscious.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I sometimes feel very defeated.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I've had to look at life differently and live it differently. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people don't seem to understand.

I'm tired of people assuming I am capable of things I am not because I am not 100% and because I will never be who I used to be. I'm tired of being judged for the same reasons.

Yes, I am a cancer survivor and it could be worse. Yes, I did exceptionally well during my treatments. Yes, I'm a live. Yes, I was blessed with a new outlook and appreciate for life. Yes, I have so many things to be grateful for. However, sometimes I just don't feel that way and I think that's okay.

Here's the deal. I hate cancer. I hate it. I wish there was a cure. I wish people didn't have to die from it. I wish people didn't have to go through cancer or cancer treatments. It's evil, it's mean, it's selfish, and I wish it would just go away. Until then, I hope people will become more educated on the mark cancer leaves on a person and their loved ones.


*What a rant this was. Whew.

Rockstar

*** This post is from October 22, 2013 and I'm just now publishing it... I never finished it, but I'm publishing it.***

Today, I was a rockstar.

I worked in the morning. Finished putting grades in for the first term.

Then I went to my massage and chiro appointment. Then I set up a follow-up appointment for something related to the car accident. Then I called someone related to the car accident. Haha. Sorry, I can't post details.

I called the clinic and made sure a few bills were re-submitted under the correct number.

I called my radiation oncologist to talk to them about my heart again and scheduled a CT with angio for tomorrow.

An Old Post About Cancer that I Never Published (Well, until now..)

**Update - this blog post is from last Fall (2013) and I never published it, so I am now.**

It's been so long since I have blogged that when I typed my blog's name into Google, it didn't automatically pop up. However, I have wanted to blog for weeks - I just haven't known exactly what to say or how to say it. And there has been stuff that I'm not allowed to say so that doesn't help.

My life has been a whirlwind the last few months. I thought chemo was a difficult time, but these last few months have put that to shame. We all know about my car accident in September. That has complicated things, with various appointments and the hassle of everything that involves, but in addition to that, I have been dealing with the emotional ramifications of cancer and a new health issue that has been discovered.

I've wanted to blog about my feelings, but haven't want to say anything that could potentially jeopardize anything dealing with my car accident. It's really hard to blog, but limit what I say. So I've just been thinking and thinking and thinking.

Cancer totally sucks. It really, really sucks. I hate it so very much. And I know, I know... We don't say "hate" in this house. But I do. I hate it. Despise it. Want it to get cancer and die.

Cancer in Life

I recently had another CT scan - and it was all clear and lovely! I love my oncologists. I would refer any friends or family to them in a heart beat. (Despite how that would totally suck because it would mean they have cancer... but seriously, I trust these doctors more than any doctor I have ever had.)


I've been watching a lot of cancer movies recently. I'm not sure why. I'm probably just reflecting on life in the subconscious and stuff. There's a new tv show on ABC Family called "Chasing Life" about a 24 year-old who has leukemia. I'm very interested to see how it plays out. I watched "50/50" after reading an article talking about the aforementioned tv show. It was really good. Unfortunately, it's rated R for language, but man, it really hit home in quite a few ways. The guy is 27, he has lived his life "perfectly", but he ends up with a unique spinal cancer. It really hits on the relationships you have, lose, strengthen, etc. with your friends and family, as well as how friends and family cope and try to help you through your cancer. It was great. Then, of course, there's the new movie "The Fault in Our Stars" based on the book of the same title. I read the book so I'm very much looking forward to seeing the movie. I've actually asked a few friends if they want to see it, but they haven't been terribly interested, so I'm waiting for Patrick to get home and we'll go together. :) And apparently, he is really interested in seeing it, so that's good!

I like to read and I've been reading as much as I can recently. I'm finishing up with The Giver series and I have been very impressed with it. I have also started reading books by Jennifer Smith. They're sweet and simple and very easy and fast reads (they're also designed for teenagers, but I like those books haha). I have a few others on my list - like I still haven't read The Book Thief and I have some Emily Giffin books to read, but I've loved actually working towards I goal I set this year to read at least one book a month for fun.


You know, I'm coming up on a year post-treatments. It's crazy how different this year has been than last year. I'm not living in doctors' offices, but they still know my face and name. I actually love that. I mean, it sucks that I've gone so often that they know my name so well, but it's also great to have an additional "family" of sorts. I really do love my doctors. Both of them are on billboards now and it cracks me up. My radiation oncologist has been on one that says HOPE and has him and a nurse smiling big for a while now. But there's a new ad that says something like "sometimes fighting IS the answer" (or something) and happens to have both of my oncologists on it. They have "serious" faces and both of my doctors are light and happy and not serious fighter people, so it makes me laugh, but in a good way. It's kind of fun to see my doctors when I'm driving around and to remember how much they have done for me and continue to do for me.


In other news... we moved into a new apartment. It's basically twice as big. We are mostly moved in, but working on some issues with carpeting, so there's a lot still not done.

Patrick comes home from his training very soon. We are VERY excited for that.

Our friends, Mikelle and Jason (and kids) came into town and I think they need to move here. ;-) It's always nice to have friends that are basically family.

I've been working out some and going to Zumba twice a week at the Rec Center. I'm not seeing any major changes, but it feels so good to work out and I'm loving that!

I had surgery on my wrist from the car accident and have been going through physical therapy for that. I'm gradually regaining the use, function, and mobility, and I'm very happy with that! Not being able to type because of the pain was SUPER awful (among a bunch of other limitations).


Well, this was pretty random and not very exciting. I want to blog here more. I want this to be a helpful place for cancer patients and survivors to go, or anyone experiencing a major life trial. I want to bring hope to others. Apparently today I was really struggling with my words, but I would really like to provide more hope and comfort for others. :) So we'll see...

What I Have Become

To my "cancer colleagues", as I have just now named you, do you ever feel like once the treatment is done you feel like you should 'hush, hush' and let the "real" sickies step up to the plate and share their story? (To everyone else, are you tired of hearing about cancer?)

I think I started to feel like that. My treatments are done, I'm not dying faster than usual, and I have more hair than I did six months ago. Therefore, I need to zip my lips and let it go. Let someone else shine and take the spotlight. Let someone else tell their story. And on and on.

But here's the truth... I'm a cancer survivor, and in many ways, I will always be a cancer patient. Cancer is written on my skin - quite literally, considering the number of scars I have from it. It is written in my heart (okay, also literally because of the chemo, but I mean this more metaphorically). I have been touched and I have a different perspective on life.

I think we hear that a lot. "I have a new perspective on life." "I see things differently now because of xyz experience." "This has made me stronger." "I'm a better person now."

Well, you know what? I don't discount that in anyone's circumstance, but we cancer (or MAJOR life experience) folks, I think we really DO have a new perspective. At least for me, it's a more holistic change in view than it ever has been. I've had nasty stuff happen in my life, things that I wouldn't wish upon anyone else, but those things changed a portion of my perspective. Cancer put my entire life, my entire world, everything and everyone around me into perspective.

I started to learn what really matters in life, why we really are here and how our bodies play into that process, and the promise of eternal life we are given by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I gained peace and a testimony that my life here is part of a huge investment and process. This isn't "it," this isn't the end. This is a very tiny portion. And the things I used to think mattered most, matter very little now.

My life has forever been changed. I really hope I don't fall back into my more lackadaisical feelings about every single thing and being around me.

I know, I know. I keep saying that. It keeps coming through. But it's true. It's so, so very true.


Something very interesting happened to me recently. Two of my closest friends came to me with personal and huge things (for lack of a better word at the moment) happening in their lives. I happened upon this information all within the same week and my grandfather passed away at the end of that week. It was an emotionally overwhelming week. Not the point here, though...

For the first time in over a year, I was leaned ON. A friend in need (well, two) truly counted on me and leaned on me. We shared tears together, we exchanged stories and experiences, we laughed, we loved, we mourned, we hugged, and we sat around with puffy eyes together. It was exhausting and liberating. I learned while they learned. I helped when they needed me. My heart was so full, and still is. I experienced yet another aspect of the Atonement. My testimony on particular subjects increased and burned within me. I further understood that we are ALL children of a very real, loving Heavenly Father, who is always looking out for us and has our very real and personal interests at heart. I was exuberant toward life and wanted to share my love with others, especially my friends. I came out of my sometimes very dark hole and felt so much light and warmth.

And I realized that while I have scars and I'll always be a cancer patient and survivor, I'm a human too. I'm real. And I matter. And I can talk about my cancer and be immersed in the craziness that the stupid thing involves and THAT is who I am. I am a new me. I am still my friends' friend. I am still Adrienne. I'm still a mom and a wife, a friend and a teacher, a neighbor and even sometimes an enemy. But I'm new. I'm different. I'm changed. I'll never be the same. And that's okay. In fact, that's good. This experience that I thought would last a year (or maybe five, you know, with the doctor's appointments and all) and then put it in the books and consider it a "thing of my past", will never just go in the books. It won't go away. It is forever now a part of my identity, who I am, what I have to offer, and what I can and will become. My really awful diagnosis with an evil disease has made me an intensely better human being and, hopefully, a better daughter of God, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

Cancer has made me me. And your big thing in life has made you you.

Well, Hello There

It's been three months since I blogged, and it was about two months before that the last time I was blogging "regularly."

I do apologize to anyone who cares, including an apology to myself for not tracking the last few months.... So here goes some post-chemo story-telling.

Like I said before, I finished radiation in August and my mom came to visit in September.

I learned that my side burns and neck hair were from the steroids I was given during chemo - NOT from a "broken" thyroid. :) In fact, I went to the OB for the good ol' annual check-up and they wanted to run some blood tests to check cholesterol and whatnot, since I've never had it tested before. Well, apparently those blood tests also included a thyroid levels check and my thyroid is all hunky dorey. So that's good. :) I do have slightly elevated cholesterol, but I'm guessing most of the reason for that is my diet and lack of exercise in the last year...

My hair is a lot thicker and I still have cute little baby hairs growing in, so progress is coming! :) My hair is A LOT different from a year ago, but it's better than it was six months ago.

A few weeks ago, before I got my hair trimmed. Long and thick enough to use hair ties!

Top: When we chopped my hair last year, Bottom: tonight. About 11 months difference.

My curly post-chemo hair, getting thicker and longer every day. Growing out a curly pixie cut is awful!

I have been struggling with a lot recently - depression, anxiety, confusion and frustration about me. The heart problem I thought I had turned out to actually be a giant anxiety attack - caused by the physical stress on my body from chemo plus the emotional and mental (and physical) stress from the car accident. Since then, I have discovered that when I am super anxious, the muscles in my chest get tight (not uncommon), so I have had those muscles massaged and I have actually learned where to find the trigger points so that if I feel the anxiety coming on, I can start to work it out and keep it from escalating.

I'm still going to various appointments relating to the car accident - manual therapy (massage) and chiropractor once a week, physical therapy once a week, and now I will go see a wrist specialist because my dominant wrist where I had a mild ligament tear has not improved, so I will probably do specialized wrist physical therapy. I also have at least one school/work meeting a week and am going to counseling. Counseling is helping me a lot - working through holding onto the burden of lost/betrayed friendships, handling the emotions of the loss of control from everything that has happened to me in the last year, etc. Lots of great things are happening because of it and I'm grateful for it. I know a lot of people are very judgmental about counseling/therapy, and this is definitely my own business that I am putting out on the Internet, but I believe that it is just that - MY business and MY choice and it is helping. I have one hell of a year and it has helped SO much to work through it all with an objective person, who happens to be a professional. ;-) Our old bishop is a marriage family therapist and he recommended the place I'm going to and man, I'm grateful.

I got strep throat in December. And Patrick got it. And then we ended up around extended family who had it and didn't realize their sick symptoms were strep, so our kids got it too. That was fun.

Christmas in Idaho, a wonderful holiday and break from life. 

I'm in a cancer support group for moms on Facebook and a mom in the group recently finished her treatments. She was asking about how quickly the weight comes off and stuff like that. I'm six months post-chemo and five months finished with all treatments (chemo/radiation) and I still don't have all of my energy back. I started going to the gym a couple of months ago and working out at home. Then I fell into a funk and stopped going. I'm starting to feel better and more into it, so I've started working out again. Since I finished my treatments, I've actually gained an additional five pounds - well, really, I gained that in the last couple of months. It is sooooo incredibly frustrating to have the extra weight on my body brought on by a life-saving treatment. An outsider probably sees it differently than I do. It's so frustrating and difficult. I am surrounded by people who are getting fit and healthy and losing weight and blahdy blah blah blah, and I don't even have the energy to work out regularly. I don't even have the energy to take care of my house. I thought that, for sure, by now I would have the energy to make my house beautiful again and not a total disaster zone. But it isn't true.

My oncologist told me not to expect much for the first year and that I may not even be 100% a year after finishing treatments. I might be even at like 70-90%. It's bizarre. Such a strange thing. One minute, I feel like I have loads of energy and the next, I'm totally pooped. I don't have the energy to wash the dishes or even start a load of laundry, let alone work out. And when I do have the energy, sometimes I don't have the desire. I feel in a funk a lot - and I'm taking a medication for the anxiety, but sometimes I just don't WANT to workout. Sometimes I just want to lie on the couch and eat ice cream.

So many things I have experienced in the last year are beyond foreign to me. It seems so surreal. I'm grateful to have a few friends who are there for me through the good and the bad and who I owe my life to for their support in this last year. I pray that I won't ever have to give them support for the same reasons they have given me support, but I do know I will give them anything and everything that I can. I love them and they are very treasured friends. My patriarchal blessing tells me about the friendships I will make in my life and that I will have life-long friendships I will treasure. I'm grateful for those friends who have been stronger than me this last year and who let me rant when I feel fat or sad or upset and who boost me up when I need it. I'm grateful for the friends who have treated me like I'm totally normal and, yet, supported me like the sick I have been. I'm grateful for their kind and honest hearts and how absolutely giving they are.

My friend, Leah, and I at B.O.'s Christmas shindig. 

Aaaand that was a side rant I did not expect. So anyway, it makes me sad that this woman will probably go through many of the same things I have gone through, particularly mentally and emotionally, in the last year. I wish she didn't have to. I wish I could take that from her and I wish she could go back to being totally herself. And I hope that she does have more energy and drive than I do. Like I said before, finishing treatments does not make you the same you you once were, and I really thought that I would go "back" to being "me". I'll never be that version of "me" again. That scares me. Well, sometimes it scares me and sometimes it brings me strength. I am a better person. I know more than I did before. I have experienced more than most people my age and it has given me a unique and special perspective on life. Sometimes that is really challenging because others my age don't understand and don't have this view. I think that is part of the reason I have lost some of the friends I have lost. Or, at least, I think it has added to it. At times, it is frustrating to have this perspective. Sometimes I wish I could be carefree, but ultimately, I'm incredibly grateful to have a perspective that allows me to KNOW that spending time with my kids is more important than doing dishes and that life is short, but of great value. I know now that my body isn't everything - it's a vessel and it carries my spirit through this life. I know that it is important, but that it will be made whole in the life to come. I KNOW these things now. I'm still learning and growing from this "experience". Sometimes I hate learning from it and I wish we could move on. But I'm still learning. I'm still growing.

I've avoided this blog, really. It's been a hard six months. Really, really hard. The last six months have made chemo and radiation seem like a cake walk (to me, at least). I haven't known what to say, what to share, what to keep in, and sometimes, I haven't even really known what I have been experiencing. It's been really rough. If I can help anyone with cancer, I want to help them with this part of cancer. It's been the hardest part so far. I know there is a lot more to go and maybe that opinion will change, but this part is so hard, so mysterious, so confusing, so traumatizing, so bizarre, so... challenging.

And there I go on another side rant. My scalp doesn't itch anymore - I use Head and Shoulders shampoo now. The advanced formula kind. I love my baby hairs. Most people find them to be super annoying, but I adore them!

We had family pictures taken in November. I wanted to have pictures taken throughout the year, so we did another shoot in the Fall. There was also an art exhibit/gala thing in October (I think October) featuring Heal Courageously (the organization who took our photos in July) and we attended that. It was really emotional to see the photographer, Anna, and Michelle, who runs Heal Courageously. I didn't realize it would be so emotional, but it was. It brought back so many feelings, and yet, I also felt like super woman for having gone through that.

I absolutely LOVE this photo - I think it perfectly expresses the end of our 2013 and so much more. I LOVE it.

Me in November (crazy to think that just a few weeks later my hair went crazy curly!)

Oh, and speaking of Heal Courageously, they were featured in the Utah Cancer Connections magazine and they wanted a photo of a family, soooo... we were on the cover! :) And then had a couple of photos inside. So we're on the cover of a magazine, albeit a cancer magazine. Haha. :) Patrick has a regular customer at work who saw it a the doctor's office and wanted us to sign their copy. That was weird, but cool I guess. Random, right?

So anyhow, now we are getting ready for Patrick to go to training for Army National Guard. He'll be gone for a while... more than I want him to be gone. And I'm teaching. And life is life. And I think I'm ready to blog more often.

We got tickets to the Christmas devotional that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does every December. We ended up sitting REALLY close to the front (possibly thanks to my handsome hubby coming straight from drill and still being in his uniform from their inspection... It was a beautiful devotional and I love the date night with our friends.)