**Update - this blog post is from last Fall (2013) and I never published it, so I am now.**
It's been so long since I have blogged that when I typed my blog's name into Google, it didn't automatically pop up. However, I have wanted to blog for weeks - I just haven't known exactly what to say or how to say it. And there has been stuff that I'm not allowed to say so that doesn't help.
My life has been a whirlwind the last few months. I thought chemo was a difficult time, but these last few months have put that to shame. We all know about my car accident in September. That has complicated things, with various appointments and the hassle of everything that involves, but in addition to that, I have been dealing with the emotional ramifications of cancer and a new health issue that has been discovered.
I've wanted to blog about my feelings, but haven't want to say anything that could potentially jeopardize anything dealing with my car accident. It's really hard to blog, but limit what I say. So I've just been thinking and thinking and thinking.
Cancer totally sucks. It really, really sucks. I hate it so very much. And I know, I know... We don't say "hate" in this house. But I do. I hate it. Despise it. Want it to get cancer and die.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Well, Hello There
It's been three months since I blogged, and it was about two months before that the last time I was blogging "regularly."
I do apologize to anyone who cares, including an apology to myself for not tracking the last few months.... So here goes some post-chemo story-telling.
Like I said before, I finished radiation in August and my mom came to visit in September.
I learned that my side burns and neck hair were from the steroids I was given during chemo - NOT from a "broken" thyroid. :) In fact, I went to the OB for the good ol' annual check-up and they wanted to run some blood tests to check cholesterol and whatnot, since I've never had it tested before. Well, apparently those blood tests also included a thyroid levels check and my thyroid is all hunky dorey. So that's good. :) I do have slightly elevated cholesterol, but I'm guessing most of the reason for that is my diet and lack of exercise in the last year...
My hair is a lot thicker and I still have cute little baby hairs growing in, so progress is coming! :) My hair is A LOT different from a year ago, but it's better than it was six months ago.
I have been struggling with a lot recently - depression, anxiety, confusion and frustration about me. The heart problem I thought I had turned out to actually be a giant anxiety attack - caused by the physical stress on my body from chemo plus the emotional and mental (and physical) stress from the car accident. Since then, I have discovered that when I am super anxious, the muscles in my chest get tight (not uncommon), so I have had those muscles massaged and I have actually learned where to find the trigger points so that if I feel the anxiety coming on, I can start to work it out and keep it from escalating.
I'm still going to various appointments relating to the car accident - manual therapy (massage) and chiropractor once a week, physical therapy once a week, and now I will go see a wrist specialist because my dominant wrist where I had a mild ligament tear has not improved, so I will probably do specialized wrist physical therapy. I also have at least one school/work meeting a week and am going to counseling. Counseling is helping me a lot - working through holding onto the burden of lost/betrayed friendships, handling the emotions of the loss of control from everything that has happened to me in the last year, etc. Lots of great things are happening because of it and I'm grateful for it. I know a lot of people are very judgmental about counseling/therapy, and this is definitely my own business that I am putting out on the Internet, but I believe that it is just that - MY business and MY choice and it is helping. I have one hell of a year and it has helped SO much to work through it all with an objective person, who happens to be a professional. ;-) Our old bishop is a marriage family therapist and he recommended the place I'm going to and man, I'm grateful.
I got strep throat in December. And Patrick got it. And then we ended up around extended family who had it and didn't realize their sick symptoms were strep, so our kids got it too. That was fun.
I'm in a cancer support group for moms on Facebook and a mom in the group recently finished her treatments. She was asking about how quickly the weight comes off and stuff like that. I'm six months post-chemo and five months finished with all treatments (chemo/radiation) and I still don't have all of my energy back. I started going to the gym a couple of months ago and working out at home. Then I fell into a funk and stopped going. I'm starting to feel better and more into it, so I've started working out again. Since I finished my treatments, I've actually gained an additional five pounds - well, really, I gained that in the last couple of months. It is sooooo incredibly frustrating to have the extra weight on my body brought on by a life-saving treatment. An outsider probably sees it differently than I do. It's so frustrating and difficult. I am surrounded by people who are getting fit and healthy and losing weight and blahdy blah blah blah, and I don't even have the energy to work out regularly. I don't even have the energy to take care of my house. I thought that, for sure, by now I would have the energy to make my house beautiful again and not a total disaster zone. But it isn't true.
My oncologist told me not to expect much for the first year and that I may not even be 100% a year after finishing treatments. I might be even at like 70-90%. It's bizarre. Such a strange thing. One minute, I feel like I have loads of energy and the next, I'm totally pooped. I don't have the energy to wash the dishes or even start a load of laundry, let alone work out. And when I do have the energy, sometimes I don't have the desire. I feel in a funk a lot - and I'm taking a medication for the anxiety, but sometimes I just don't WANT to workout. Sometimes I just want to lie on the couch and eat ice cream.
So many things I have experienced in the last year are beyond foreign to me. It seems so surreal. I'm grateful to have a few friends who are there for me through the good and the bad and who I owe my life to for their support in this last year. I pray that I won't ever have to give them support for the same reasons they have given me support, but I do know I will give them anything and everything that I can. I love them and they are very treasured friends. My patriarchal blessing tells me about the friendships I will make in my life and that I will have life-long friendships I will treasure. I'm grateful for those friends who have been stronger than me this last year and who let me rant when I feel fat or sad or upset and who boost me up when I need it. I'm grateful for the friends who have treated me like I'm totally normal and, yet, supported me like the sick I have been. I'm grateful for their kind and honest hearts and how absolutely giving they are.
Aaaand that was a side rant I did not expect. So anyway, it makes me sad that this woman will probably go through many of the same things I have gone through, particularly mentally and emotionally, in the last year. I wish she didn't have to. I wish I could take that from her and I wish she could go back to being totally herself. And I hope that she does have more energy and drive than I do. Like I said before, finishing treatments does not make you the same you you once were, and I really thought that I would go "back" to being "me". I'll never be that version of "me" again. That scares me. Well, sometimes it scares me and sometimes it brings me strength. I am a better person. I know more than I did before. I have experienced more than most people my age and it has given me a unique and special perspective on life. Sometimes that is really challenging because others my age don't understand and don't have this view. I think that is part of the reason I have lost some of the friends I have lost. Or, at least, I think it has added to it. At times, it is frustrating to have this perspective. Sometimes I wish I could be carefree, but ultimately, I'm incredibly grateful to have a perspective that allows me to KNOW that spending time with my kids is more important than doing dishes and that life is short, but of great value. I know now that my body isn't everything - it's a vessel and it carries my spirit through this life. I know that it is important, but that it will be made whole in the life to come. I KNOW these things now. I'm still learning and growing from this "experience". Sometimes I hate learning from it and I wish we could move on. But I'm still learning. I'm still growing.
I've avoided this blog, really. It's been a hard six months. Really, really hard. The last six months have made chemo and radiation seem like a cake walk (to me, at least). I haven't known what to say, what to share, what to keep in, and sometimes, I haven't even really known what I have been experiencing. It's been really rough. If I can help anyone with cancer, I want to help them with this part of cancer. It's been the hardest part so far. I know there is a lot more to go and maybe that opinion will change, but this part is so hard, so mysterious, so confusing, so traumatizing, so bizarre, so... challenging.
And there I go on another side rant. My scalp doesn't itch anymore - I use Head and Shoulders shampoo now. The advanced formula kind. I love my baby hairs. Most people find them to be super annoying, but I adore them!
We had family pictures taken in November. I wanted to have pictures taken throughout the year, so we did another shoot in the Fall. There was also an art exhibit/gala thing in October (I think October) featuring Heal Courageously (the organization who took our photos in July) and we attended that. It was really emotional to see the photographer, Anna, and Michelle, who runs Heal Courageously. I didn't realize it would be so emotional, but it was. It brought back so many feelings, and yet, I also felt like super woman for having gone through that.
Oh, and speaking of Heal Courageously, they were featured in the Utah Cancer Connections magazine and they wanted a photo of a family, soooo... we were on the cover! :) And then had a couple of photos inside. So we're on the cover of a magazine, albeit a cancer magazine. Haha. :) Patrick has a regular customer at work who saw it a the doctor's office and wanted us to sign their copy. That was weird, but cool I guess. Random, right?
So anyhow, now we are getting ready for Patrick to go to training for Army National Guard. He'll be gone for a while... more than I want him to be gone. And I'm teaching. And life is life. And I think I'm ready to blog more often.
I do apologize to anyone who cares, including an apology to myself for not tracking the last few months.... So here goes some post-chemo story-telling.
Like I said before, I finished radiation in August and my mom came to visit in September.
I learned that my side burns and neck hair were from the steroids I was given during chemo - NOT from a "broken" thyroid. :) In fact, I went to the OB for the good ol' annual check-up and they wanted to run some blood tests to check cholesterol and whatnot, since I've never had it tested before. Well, apparently those blood tests also included a thyroid levels check and my thyroid is all hunky dorey. So that's good. :) I do have slightly elevated cholesterol, but I'm guessing most of the reason for that is my diet and lack of exercise in the last year...
My hair is a lot thicker and I still have cute little baby hairs growing in, so progress is coming! :) My hair is A LOT different from a year ago, but it's better than it was six months ago.
 |
| A few weeks ago, before I got my hair trimmed. Long and thick enough to use hair ties! |
 |
| Top: When we chopped my hair last year, Bottom: tonight. About 11 months difference. |
 |
| My curly post-chemo hair, getting thicker and longer every day. Growing out a curly pixie cut is awful! |
I have been struggling with a lot recently - depression, anxiety, confusion and frustration about me. The heart problem I thought I had turned out to actually be a giant anxiety attack - caused by the physical stress on my body from chemo plus the emotional and mental (and physical) stress from the car accident. Since then, I have discovered that when I am super anxious, the muscles in my chest get tight (not uncommon), so I have had those muscles massaged and I have actually learned where to find the trigger points so that if I feel the anxiety coming on, I can start to work it out and keep it from escalating.
I'm still going to various appointments relating to the car accident - manual therapy (massage) and chiropractor once a week, physical therapy once a week, and now I will go see a wrist specialist because my dominant wrist where I had a mild ligament tear has not improved, so I will probably do specialized wrist physical therapy. I also have at least one school/work meeting a week and am going to counseling. Counseling is helping me a lot - working through holding onto the burden of lost/betrayed friendships, handling the emotions of the loss of control from everything that has happened to me in the last year, etc. Lots of great things are happening because of it and I'm grateful for it. I know a lot of people are very judgmental about counseling/therapy, and this is definitely my own business that I am putting out on the Internet, but I believe that it is just that - MY business and MY choice and it is helping. I have one hell of a year and it has helped SO much to work through it all with an objective person, who happens to be a professional. ;-) Our old bishop is a marriage family therapist and he recommended the place I'm going to and man, I'm grateful.
I got strep throat in December. And Patrick got it. And then we ended up around extended family who had it and didn't realize their sick symptoms were strep, so our kids got it too. That was fun.
 |
| Christmas in Idaho, a wonderful holiday and break from life. |
I'm in a cancer support group for moms on Facebook and a mom in the group recently finished her treatments. She was asking about how quickly the weight comes off and stuff like that. I'm six months post-chemo and five months finished with all treatments (chemo/radiation) and I still don't have all of my energy back. I started going to the gym a couple of months ago and working out at home. Then I fell into a funk and stopped going. I'm starting to feel better and more into it, so I've started working out again. Since I finished my treatments, I've actually gained an additional five pounds - well, really, I gained that in the last couple of months. It is sooooo incredibly frustrating to have the extra weight on my body brought on by a life-saving treatment. An outsider probably sees it differently than I do. It's so frustrating and difficult. I am surrounded by people who are getting fit and healthy and losing weight and blahdy blah blah blah, and I don't even have the energy to work out regularly. I don't even have the energy to take care of my house. I thought that, for sure, by now I would have the energy to make my house beautiful again and not a total disaster zone. But it isn't true.
My oncologist told me not to expect much for the first year and that I may not even be 100% a year after finishing treatments. I might be even at like 70-90%. It's bizarre. Such a strange thing. One minute, I feel like I have loads of energy and the next, I'm totally pooped. I don't have the energy to wash the dishes or even start a load of laundry, let alone work out. And when I do have the energy, sometimes I don't have the desire. I feel in a funk a lot - and I'm taking a medication for the anxiety, but sometimes I just don't WANT to workout. Sometimes I just want to lie on the couch and eat ice cream.
So many things I have experienced in the last year are beyond foreign to me. It seems so surreal. I'm grateful to have a few friends who are there for me through the good and the bad and who I owe my life to for their support in this last year. I pray that I won't ever have to give them support for the same reasons they have given me support, but I do know I will give them anything and everything that I can. I love them and they are very treasured friends. My patriarchal blessing tells me about the friendships I will make in my life and that I will have life-long friendships I will treasure. I'm grateful for those friends who have been stronger than me this last year and who let me rant when I feel fat or sad or upset and who boost me up when I need it. I'm grateful for the friends who have treated me like I'm totally normal and, yet, supported me like the sick I have been. I'm grateful for their kind and honest hearts and how absolutely giving they are.
 |
| My friend, Leah, and I at B.O.'s Christmas shindig. |
Aaaand that was a side rant I did not expect. So anyway, it makes me sad that this woman will probably go through many of the same things I have gone through, particularly mentally and emotionally, in the last year. I wish she didn't have to. I wish I could take that from her and I wish she could go back to being totally herself. And I hope that she does have more energy and drive than I do. Like I said before, finishing treatments does not make you the same you you once were, and I really thought that I would go "back" to being "me". I'll never be that version of "me" again. That scares me. Well, sometimes it scares me and sometimes it brings me strength. I am a better person. I know more than I did before. I have experienced more than most people my age and it has given me a unique and special perspective on life. Sometimes that is really challenging because others my age don't understand and don't have this view. I think that is part of the reason I have lost some of the friends I have lost. Or, at least, I think it has added to it. At times, it is frustrating to have this perspective. Sometimes I wish I could be carefree, but ultimately, I'm incredibly grateful to have a perspective that allows me to KNOW that spending time with my kids is more important than doing dishes and that life is short, but of great value. I know now that my body isn't everything - it's a vessel and it carries my spirit through this life. I know that it is important, but that it will be made whole in the life to come. I KNOW these things now. I'm still learning and growing from this "experience". Sometimes I hate learning from it and I wish we could move on. But I'm still learning. I'm still growing.
I've avoided this blog, really. It's been a hard six months. Really, really hard. The last six months have made chemo and radiation seem like a cake walk (to me, at least). I haven't known what to say, what to share, what to keep in, and sometimes, I haven't even really known what I have been experiencing. It's been really rough. If I can help anyone with cancer, I want to help them with this part of cancer. It's been the hardest part so far. I know there is a lot more to go and maybe that opinion will change, but this part is so hard, so mysterious, so confusing, so traumatizing, so bizarre, so... challenging.
And there I go on another side rant. My scalp doesn't itch anymore - I use Head and Shoulders shampoo now. The advanced formula kind. I love my baby hairs. Most people find them to be super annoying, but I adore them!
We had family pictures taken in November. I wanted to have pictures taken throughout the year, so we did another shoot in the Fall. There was also an art exhibit/gala thing in October (I think October) featuring Heal Courageously (the organization who took our photos in July) and we attended that. It was really emotional to see the photographer, Anna, and Michelle, who runs Heal Courageously. I didn't realize it would be so emotional, but it was. It brought back so many feelings, and yet, I also felt like super woman for having gone through that.
 |
| I absolutely LOVE this photo - I think it perfectly expresses the end of our 2013 and so much more. I LOVE it. |
 |
| Me in November (crazy to think that just a few weeks later my hair went crazy curly!) |
Oh, and speaking of Heal Courageously, they were featured in the Utah Cancer Connections magazine and they wanted a photo of a family, soooo... we were on the cover! :) And then had a couple of photos inside. So we're on the cover of a magazine, albeit a cancer magazine. Haha. :) Patrick has a regular customer at work who saw it a the doctor's office and wanted us to sign their copy. That was weird, but cool I guess. Random, right?
So anyhow, now we are getting ready for Patrick to go to training for Army National Guard. He'll be gone for a while... more than I want him to be gone. And I'm teaching. And life is life. And I think I'm ready to blog more often.
 |
| We got tickets to the Christmas devotional that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does every December. We ended up sitting REALLY close to the front (possibly thanks to my handsome hubby coming straight from drill and still being in his uniform from their inspection... It was a beautiful devotional and I love the date night with our friends.) |
Monday, October 21, 2013
Post-Treatment Life
Unfortunately, this post won't have pictures... they're on the other computer. Sorry. Maybe I'll add some later.
Life after cancer treatments...
Well, school started.
Then my mom came and visited for a month. That's why I didn't blog at all during September. I was a guest speaker at a Relief Society event where ladies got together and did a bunch of different stuff - zumba, speakers, etc. I spoke about being happy even when life isn't happy and being happy in our roles as women, moms, etc. We went to Idaho and visited family. We came back. We cleaned my house. Then I got in a car accident, my car was totaled, and now I'm doing therapies to recover from that. We cleaned up the storage unit, we ate steak and salad and sweet potatoes. HOLY YUM. We had Coke and Cafe Rio. We had lots of girly time. I love my mommy. We are best buddies and it was so wonderful having her here. Especially texting each other with emoji characters. :) haha.
School has been harder for me than work has ever been for me in my entire life. I'm tired, I'm stressed, the students are hard (well, some of them), it's just been harder than ever.
I hit an emotional wall and kind of exploded. Every emotion I've limited in the last year or so came out in the last couple of months, especially since the car accident. I got shingles. Thank you effing stress from said car accident. That made me REALLY mad. What are the odds??? I took a medicine during ALL of chemo and for a month after to keep me from getting shingles. And then I get it. I'm still trying to figure out all of the emotions stuff.
I had a major anxiety attack and might have something wrong with my heart. I went to the ER for that - on General Conference Sunday. Haven't received that bill yet, but I have a feeling I might be reaching my deductibles very soon...
We had to buy a new car. We got a Chevy Equinox. It's nice, but it's another car payment. But it's fun to hook the iPhone up to to listen to Pandora.... You know that song - Royals? I'm obsessed. It should've been made when Gossip Girl was still around.... It would've been PERFECT. I love GG.
I think the stress also kicked my thyroid into not working. So that's awesome. I basically have side burns and extra hair on my neck. And of course anxiety, anger, possibly depression, etc. Life is good - whatever. :)
Nah, it's not all bad. There are definitely up's. And you have to look at those, right? But right now... I'm not done. :) I'm not quite there... I'm processing a lot of stuff right now.
I'm taking a Praxis Prep class to prepare for another test I get to pay for to keep my teaching license current and to keep my job. The car accident messed up my wrist/hand/forearm, so it was incredibly difficult to write practice answers for the class/test... I've never had wrist/hand/forearm pain like that before. It completely sucks.
Finishing chemo and radiation does NOT mean your life will go back to being the same. I didn't realize that realistically as much as theoretically. My life will NEVER be the same. It will forever be different. Post-cancer me won't be the Adrienne I know. I'm getting to know a new me. It's been difficult, but I'm learning. I thought cancer would change my life, but that it would just be something I would think of as part of my life, my past, etc. Part of what made me ME. But it's so much more than that...
I never felt anxiety about my cancer, but I do now. I'm worried about it coming back, I'm worried about having to go through everything ALL OVER AGAIN. This journey is just so far from being over. It's a bizarre concept and, frankly, I'm tired of cancer identifying me so much. I kinda just want "old me" back. Simple, worried about things besides living, long beautiful-haired Adrienne. New me is good too, but I'm just getting to know new me. I'm different.
But speaking of hair... my eyebrows are back and beautiful!!!! And my hair has grown in nicely. I wish it were the same color as before, but it could be worse. I'm actually contemplating dyeing it. My scalp, however, has been falling apart! It flakes away like a champ and it's gross and annoying. If I have an itch, my scalp falls apart. :) I have horrible dandruff. I actually asked the dermatologist about it while at an appointment for the girls and he gave me a prescription hair goo stuff to use overnight. He called it "sticky city" - I haven't used it yet. Anyway, I had NO idea my scalp was going to do this (it itches too!) when my hair grew back in, but apparently it's because the new hair doesn't have enough oils so my scalp is super dry. I guess it's also kind of a good sign because it means my hair is growing back in. I got a super cute pixie cut and I actually really quite like it. Just need to fix this flaky head. :) My hair hardly falls out now either! It's pretty great. :)
So anyway, a jumble of thoughts after over a month of not blogging. My mind feels jumbled right now. I'm working through it - slowly, but surely. I'd like to try and blog more. Keep this going. It's all part of "the journey," as they call it.
Life after cancer treatments...
Well, school started.
Then my mom came and visited for a month. That's why I didn't blog at all during September. I was a guest speaker at a Relief Society event where ladies got together and did a bunch of different stuff - zumba, speakers, etc. I spoke about being happy even when life isn't happy and being happy in our roles as women, moms, etc. We went to Idaho and visited family. We came back. We cleaned my house. Then I got in a car accident, my car was totaled, and now I'm doing therapies to recover from that. We cleaned up the storage unit, we ate steak and salad and sweet potatoes. HOLY YUM. We had Coke and Cafe Rio. We had lots of girly time. I love my mommy. We are best buddies and it was so wonderful having her here. Especially texting each other with emoji characters. :) haha.
School has been harder for me than work has ever been for me in my entire life. I'm tired, I'm stressed, the students are hard (well, some of them), it's just been harder than ever.
I hit an emotional wall and kind of exploded. Every emotion I've limited in the last year or so came out in the last couple of months, especially since the car accident. I got shingles. Thank you effing stress from said car accident. That made me REALLY mad. What are the odds??? I took a medicine during ALL of chemo and for a month after to keep me from getting shingles. And then I get it. I'm still trying to figure out all of the emotions stuff.
I had a major anxiety attack and might have something wrong with my heart. I went to the ER for that - on General Conference Sunday. Haven't received that bill yet, but I have a feeling I might be reaching my deductibles very soon...
We had to buy a new car. We got a Chevy Equinox. It's nice, but it's another car payment. But it's fun to hook the iPhone up to to listen to Pandora.... You know that song - Royals? I'm obsessed. It should've been made when Gossip Girl was still around.... It would've been PERFECT. I love GG.
I think the stress also kicked my thyroid into not working. So that's awesome. I basically have side burns and extra hair on my neck. And of course anxiety, anger, possibly depression, etc. Life is good - whatever. :)
Nah, it's not all bad. There are definitely up's. And you have to look at those, right? But right now... I'm not done. :) I'm not quite there... I'm processing a lot of stuff right now.
I'm taking a Praxis Prep class to prepare for another test I get to pay for to keep my teaching license current and to keep my job. The car accident messed up my wrist/hand/forearm, so it was incredibly difficult to write practice answers for the class/test... I've never had wrist/hand/forearm pain like that before. It completely sucks.
Finishing chemo and radiation does NOT mean your life will go back to being the same. I didn't realize that realistically as much as theoretically. My life will NEVER be the same. It will forever be different. Post-cancer me won't be the Adrienne I know. I'm getting to know a new me. It's been difficult, but I'm learning. I thought cancer would change my life, but that it would just be something I would think of as part of my life, my past, etc. Part of what made me ME. But it's so much more than that...
I never felt anxiety about my cancer, but I do now. I'm worried about it coming back, I'm worried about having to go through everything ALL OVER AGAIN. This journey is just so far from being over. It's a bizarre concept and, frankly, I'm tired of cancer identifying me so much. I kinda just want "old me" back. Simple, worried about things besides living, long beautiful-haired Adrienne. New me is good too, but I'm just getting to know new me. I'm different.
But speaking of hair... my eyebrows are back and beautiful!!!! And my hair has grown in nicely. I wish it were the same color as before, but it could be worse. I'm actually contemplating dyeing it. My scalp, however, has been falling apart! It flakes away like a champ and it's gross and annoying. If I have an itch, my scalp falls apart. :) I have horrible dandruff. I actually asked the dermatologist about it while at an appointment for the girls and he gave me a prescription hair goo stuff to use overnight. He called it "sticky city" - I haven't used it yet. Anyway, I had NO idea my scalp was going to do this (it itches too!) when my hair grew back in, but apparently it's because the new hair doesn't have enough oils so my scalp is super dry. I guess it's also kind of a good sign because it means my hair is growing back in. I got a super cute pixie cut and I actually really quite like it. Just need to fix this flaky head. :) My hair hardly falls out now either! It's pretty great. :)
So anyway, a jumble of thoughts after over a month of not blogging. My mind feels jumbled right now. I'm working through it - slowly, but surely. I'd like to try and blog more. Keep this going. It's all part of "the journey," as they call it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)