Looking Back and Forward

In just a few days, it will be one year since finishing radiation (August 26), the last of my cancer treatments. Cancer has been on my mind for weeks now, but I haven't known what to say or write. I guess I still don't; I'm just being brave enough to let my fingers type and see what comes out.

It has almost been one year. I actually weigh five pounds more than I did a year ago. I gained MORE weight, you ask? Yep, I did. Don't judge me, I judge myself enough.

So let's talk fat then... I have more of that than I ever have in my life and in places I didn't realize you could HAVE fat... or rolls. Fluff. Whatever you want to call it, it isn't as fun as marshmallow fluff on a peanut-butter sandwich. But... that's probably how I've maintained it.

I have had people tell me I can just get up and go or that I can lose x amount of weight because they did, their cousin did, their mom, their uncle, whoever... But I've also had friends who have been very supportive and understanding. Trust me, I know what I look like and how much I weigh. I'm more up-close and personal with it than you are. I also know that I think about it a lot and talk about it plenty.

Yes, I weigh more than I did when I gave birth to my big babies and my wedding ring hasn't fit in over a year. But this is not baby weight. It's not lazy weight. It's not 'I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted' weight. It's cancer weight. Stupid, stupid cancer. There are many reasons people hate cancer. This is one of the reasons I hate it. I think I hate it even more because I worked really hard for over a year after M was born to get back into a healthy state. It's hard to be unhealthy and, unfortunately, I'm still unhealthy.

I read an article today that I really loved. (It can be found here.) No one's cancer is the same. No one's life is the same, honestly. But this means that even if you and I are diagnosed with the exact same type and stage of cancer, it will do different things in our bodies. You might make it and I might not. Or I could make it out squeaky clean and you could end up with some other cancer down the road or a recurrence of your original cancer. Cancer is evil.

There is one thing I don't like in that article. When someone dies from cancer, we say they "lost" the fight. I don't think that's true, and I don't like saying that. My parents recently had a friend pass away from cancer. That evil, evil cancer. He fought and fought, but he didn't "win". What do you mean? He fought and fought and he's a loser? I don't think so. Aren't we the losers because we know longer have our friend, our loved one? And yet, weren't our lives enriched by knowing this person? I don't see "losers" in the situation, though I do see those family members who are without their loved one.

My words are all jumbled and I apologize for that. I'm tired of hearing about people "losing the fight". I'm tired of cancer. 

I'm tired of "you survived cancer, so _________."

"______ didn't make it, but ______ did."

Cancer sucks. It takes lives. It makes life more difficult. It leaves its mark. It doesn't just GO AWAY. It's a beast.

YES. Cancer gives you a new perspective on life.
YES. Cancer helps us appreciate who and what we have in our lives.
YES. Treatments can save our lives.
YES. We are alive.
YES. I am alive.

But I still hate it and sometimes, I don't even like the mark it has left on me. Well, some of the marks. :)

So here are the facts...

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I can't just get up and go. I can't work out five or six days a week. Three wears me out. Yes, it's been a year, but I can't do it like you. So I'm still overweight, and no one hates it more than me.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I may or may not ever have children again. Only time will give us that answer. (And we all know that time can be really difficult to wait for...) :)

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I get tired faster than most people... even though it's been a year. Some days, I come home from a regular day of work and I'm too tired to do much more than make a simple dinner and survive until the kids go to bed. Sometimes I give them melatonin to speed that process up.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I'm uncomfortable in my skin.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I had to buy new clothes for work because I literally didn't own any pants that fit. (Not so fun when it's for bigger sizes than you are used to buying.)

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I am conscious.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I sometimes feel very defeated.

BECAUSE OF my cancer, I've had to look at life differently and live it differently. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people don't seem to understand.

I'm tired of people assuming I am capable of things I am not because I am not 100% and because I will never be who I used to be. I'm tired of being judged for the same reasons.

Yes, I am a cancer survivor and it could be worse. Yes, I did exceptionally well during my treatments. Yes, I'm a live. Yes, I was blessed with a new outlook and appreciate for life. Yes, I have so many things to be grateful for. However, sometimes I just don't feel that way and I think that's okay.

Here's the deal. I hate cancer. I hate it. I wish there was a cure. I wish people didn't have to die from it. I wish people didn't have to go through cancer or cancer treatments. It's evil, it's mean, it's selfish, and I wish it would just go away. Until then, I hope people will become more educated on the mark cancer leaves on a person and their loved ones.


*What a rant this was. Whew.

Rockstar

*** This post is from October 22, 2013 and I'm just now publishing it... I never finished it, but I'm publishing it.***

Today, I was a rockstar.

I worked in the morning. Finished putting grades in for the first term.

Then I went to my massage and chiro appointment. Then I set up a follow-up appointment for something related to the car accident. Then I called someone related to the car accident. Haha. Sorry, I can't post details.

I called the clinic and made sure a few bills were re-submitted under the correct number.

I called my radiation oncologist to talk to them about my heart again and scheduled a CT with angio for tomorrow.

An Old Post About Cancer that I Never Published (Well, until now..)

**Update - this blog post is from last Fall (2013) and I never published it, so I am now.**

It's been so long since I have blogged that when I typed my blog's name into Google, it didn't automatically pop up. However, I have wanted to blog for weeks - I just haven't known exactly what to say or how to say it. And there has been stuff that I'm not allowed to say so that doesn't help.

My life has been a whirlwind the last few months. I thought chemo was a difficult time, but these last few months have put that to shame. We all know about my car accident in September. That has complicated things, with various appointments and the hassle of everything that involves, but in addition to that, I have been dealing with the emotional ramifications of cancer and a new health issue that has been discovered.

I've wanted to blog about my feelings, but haven't want to say anything that could potentially jeopardize anything dealing with my car accident. It's really hard to blog, but limit what I say. So I've just been thinking and thinking and thinking.

Cancer totally sucks. It really, really sucks. I hate it so very much. And I know, I know... We don't say "hate" in this house. But I do. I hate it. Despise it. Want it to get cancer and die.

Cancer in Life

I recently had another CT scan - and it was all clear and lovely! I love my oncologists. I would refer any friends or family to them in a heart beat. (Despite how that would totally suck because it would mean they have cancer... but seriously, I trust these doctors more than any doctor I have ever had.)


I've been watching a lot of cancer movies recently. I'm not sure why. I'm probably just reflecting on life in the subconscious and stuff. There's a new tv show on ABC Family called "Chasing Life" about a 24 year-old who has leukemia. I'm very interested to see how it plays out. I watched "50/50" after reading an article talking about the aforementioned tv show. It was really good. Unfortunately, it's rated R for language, but man, it really hit home in quite a few ways. The guy is 27, he has lived his life "perfectly", but he ends up with a unique spinal cancer. It really hits on the relationships you have, lose, strengthen, etc. with your friends and family, as well as how friends and family cope and try to help you through your cancer. It was great. Then, of course, there's the new movie "The Fault in Our Stars" based on the book of the same title. I read the book so I'm very much looking forward to seeing the movie. I've actually asked a few friends if they want to see it, but they haven't been terribly interested, so I'm waiting for Patrick to get home and we'll go together. :) And apparently, he is really interested in seeing it, so that's good!

I like to read and I've been reading as much as I can recently. I'm finishing up with The Giver series and I have been very impressed with it. I have also started reading books by Jennifer Smith. They're sweet and simple and very easy and fast reads (they're also designed for teenagers, but I like those books haha). I have a few others on my list - like I still haven't read The Book Thief and I have some Emily Giffin books to read, but I've loved actually working towards I goal I set this year to read at least one book a month for fun.


You know, I'm coming up on a year post-treatments. It's crazy how different this year has been than last year. I'm not living in doctors' offices, but they still know my face and name. I actually love that. I mean, it sucks that I've gone so often that they know my name so well, but it's also great to have an additional "family" of sorts. I really do love my doctors. Both of them are on billboards now and it cracks me up. My radiation oncologist has been on one that says HOPE and has him and a nurse smiling big for a while now. But there's a new ad that says something like "sometimes fighting IS the answer" (or something) and happens to have both of my oncologists on it. They have "serious" faces and both of my doctors are light and happy and not serious fighter people, so it makes me laugh, but in a good way. It's kind of fun to see my doctors when I'm driving around and to remember how much they have done for me and continue to do for me.


In other news... we moved into a new apartment. It's basically twice as big. We are mostly moved in, but working on some issues with carpeting, so there's a lot still not done.

Patrick comes home from his training very soon. We are VERY excited for that.

Our friends, Mikelle and Jason (and kids) came into town and I think they need to move here. ;-) It's always nice to have friends that are basically family.

I've been working out some and going to Zumba twice a week at the Rec Center. I'm not seeing any major changes, but it feels so good to work out and I'm loving that!

I had surgery on my wrist from the car accident and have been going through physical therapy for that. I'm gradually regaining the use, function, and mobility, and I'm very happy with that! Not being able to type because of the pain was SUPER awful (among a bunch of other limitations).


Well, this was pretty random and not very exciting. I want to blog here more. I want this to be a helpful place for cancer patients and survivors to go, or anyone experiencing a major life trial. I want to bring hope to others. Apparently today I was really struggling with my words, but I would really like to provide more hope and comfort for others. :) So we'll see...