Good Reminders

I've had many really good reminders today. This is probably going to be long and jumbled. I have a lot to get out today.

Yesterday was a crappy day. Today was A LOT better. 

Yesterday I went to work and talked to my principal, sent an email to my colleagues explaining everything, lost some once-really good/close friends, had my first very negative/hurtful reaction when telling someone about this, cried a lot, ate pizza, went to bed at ten and then didn't go to sleep until midnight, cried a lot more, got puffy eyes, and had this sinus/head/chest/smog cold really kick in.

It was a really bleepity bleepy day. And exhausting.

I have been so amazed and intrigued and inspired and baffled and overwhelmed by the reactions and responses of people upon finding out or being told that I have Hodgkin's. Everyone copes with something like this differently. And everyone has a different reaction.

I have had A LOT of the following reactions:
- Outpouring of compassion
- Instant offers to help babysit, clean, make meals, organize meals being prepared, take my kids regularly, anything really
- Prayers
- Hugs
- Condolences
- Shock
- Communication with people I haven't talked to in five to ten years or more
- Offers to come across country to help me in any way I need (and this from people I haven't talked to in YEARS)
- Offers to do anything, just say the word
- Kind words
- Jokes to brighten my day
- Text messages checking on me
- Thoughts, prayers, tears.... so many tears
- Offer to compile memories (not exactly related at first haha, but became related)
- Amazement by my attitude or how I'm reacting to everything
- People telling me how strong I am - and that I'll be beautiful bald. :) (I'm still not sold on this one, but I LOVE that people are telling me this because it is going to be the hardest thing for me.)
- Support, oodles and oodles of support - from ALL OVER THE WORLD. It is AMAZING!
- And one box of sunshine. :)

And yet I have also had some of these reactions:
- Void of emotion
- Not seeming to care at all
- Loss of friendships in relation to my stresses in the past few months
- Hurtful comments
- Void of ability to be flexible or helpful

And for some reason that small, very small, list really got to me yesterday.

In the past few months, I have been through a lot. And Patrick and I chose to keep it to ourselves because we didn't know what anything was, we didn't want people to worry (especially if it was nothing!), and we didn't want people constantly asking us if we had test results back yet. That can be very unhelpful, even though it's really them being concerned and wanting to know. It's hard to be reminded that you're waiting for the results of something that you never thought you'd experience in your life, let alone in your 20's. I mean, did I ever think I'd get an ultrasound on my neck? needle aspiration biopsy? concerns about my thyroid with no family history of problems? a CAT SCAN? um, seriously no. a surgical biopsy where they removed a chunk of tissue from my body? a piece of my body, they took out of my body and put under microscopes. Never. Never did I ever imagine that.

During this time, I think have craved love and wanted hugs and friendship. I have so many friends, I can see that now, but I clearly have not been recognizing it. I have been thinking that I don't have friends who love me or care about me, that I am alone, that no one wants to spend their time on me, and that my only friends are through virtual conversations and in other cities, states, and even countries. In the last three days, I have been showered with so much loved. POURED ON. So many people who are concerned and who care about me.

But, unfortunately, those who are closest in physical proximity who I thought were my closest friends, have not shown the same compassion. And it really hurt me the past few days. Our lives have gone in different directions recently and we value different things at this time. It has been so sad for me to watch it slowly happening over the past few months. And suddenly, there was no communication, there were no invitations to hang out, and I was so confused. So I asked them about it and they finally responded. I have asked in the past, but not received answers. Their responses were mostly hurtful, but also eye-opening. I didn't realize that I was being negative or making the time we spent together unenjoyable. I spent my evening crying, talking to my mom and closest friends (who aren't neighbors or down the street, or even in the same city), and trying to process through the hurtful words.

And trying to figure out why on earth I was letting them hurt me when I have received SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much love in the past few days. (And when they even told me I had enough people who loved me, implying that it shouldn't matter that they don't care about me anymore.) I have received SOOOOOOOOOOO much more love than I ever could have even imagined. So much love and compassion that it has brought me to tears and humbled me incredibly. A couple months ago, I thought very few people cared about me. Today, over 2,000 people have viewed my blog (or times, I don't know, whatever, either way, it's a lot) and DOZENS of friends have sent me messages to tell me how much they love me, that they are behind me and will fight with me, and that I can do this. It is amazing. I don't even have words to describe the feelings I have about this.

So I finally went to bed, covered in tears and dreading my puffy eyes that would surely come in the morning. My husband fell asleep by my side, holding me.

When I woke up this morning, I prayed so hard that I would have the strength to get through this day, to not be hurt by what my former-friends had said, and to have a desire to accept the love that has been offered to me and reject the hurt. I prayed that I would conquer my sadness and negative feelings. That I would not be affected by their hurtful words anymore - for them not to have power over me, for me not to want so badly to fix the problem and solve everything and to let go. I was so tired this morning. 

I should probably mention briefly that I spoke to an important decision-making person for us and our jobs and that person was really negative and hurtful and not helpful at all. It made me very, very angry and I wanted to kick that person. But I can't give anymore details than that and it was later mostly fixed by another conversation. But this added to my other stresses yesterday. 

So I took a shower. It was a glorious shower. (Side note. Showers are kind of weird now. Every time I take a shower and wash my hair and use conditioner, I get a little bit sad. I don't know if I should be enjoying my hair while it's here or dreading the baldness that is to come. Be happy for saving money on shampoo and conditioner, or be sad that I won't have those yummy smells on me anymore nor the hair to use them on. I'm going to need to invest in some seriously good-smelling, moisturizing body wash, haha. I have slightly sensitive skin and I am also worried that I will get pimples on my bald head. FYI.)  Okay, so I took a shower. It was relaxing. Nice. Most showers as a mom are so rushed and my kids are always banging on the door, crying to get in and join me. haha. Not usually at 6:15 in the morning, though. So anyway, I was feeling... okay. I went to the living room to get ready (because dear, sweet B has been sleeping with us and because I didn't want to wake her nor Patrick). I saw my scriptures on the floor by the couch and I decided to open them and read a scripture. I wasn't sure if I should pick up where I left off in 2 Nephi in my Book of Mormon reading (which I haven't done a very good job of in the past few days) or just choose something randomly highlighted. I went with the latter. And I found Alma 36:3, a scripture I read a week or two ago and then tried to cite and lost the page:

"...and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

Tender mercy. What a tender mercy. (Side note: Read the book "Divine Signatures" by .... I can't remember who, but read it.) I needed to read this scripture. The Lord is on my side, no matter what the affliction, pain, TROUBLE, or trial is. Every trouble of my heart, every worry I have, if I trust in Him, He will support me. The Lord will support me and so will all of my friends and family. 

So that was tender mercy #1. 

Tender mercy #2: I always go start the car 10-15 minutes before I leave because it is dang frigid outside. Also, I am an old person so I listen to news talk radio like all the time. I even have favorite shows now. It's serious. Well, last night, the girls and I listened to real SONGS on the radio, on a different station, on our way home. So this morning when I started the car, it wasn't on news radio. And the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips was playing. I listened to a piece of it, then came inside, found it on Spotify and sat down to listen to it. Perfect. SO perfect for me. Exactly what I needed and wanted to hear this morning. 

"Home"

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

I wanted to cry, it was just what I needed to hear. I may have teared up a bit. I'm a sap. 

Then I went to work, with another prayer in my heart for a good day, for confidence to tell my students, and for everything else I had already been praying for. 

And I told my students. And it wasn't awful. And I didn't cry. For the most part, they didn't really say anything, though I did get some shocked faces. My Teen Living class asked the most questions. We were talking about self-esteem, self-concept, positive and negative self-talk and how we need to adjust our thinking so we don't fall into the slums. One of my students, who I also taught last year (but she was REALLY quiet then haha), asked me, 

"So how ARE you doing with all of this?"

I told them that I'm very confident that I will be okay, but that I'm scared and worried about the middle road. It's hard, but I'm trying to be tough and strong. I want to be honest with my students, but not terrify them. I told them that I am worried about losing my hair, that that makes me sad and scared. A girl in the back hollered out that I'll still be hot bald. haha. :) Sweet teenagers. And they asked me a few more follow-up questions and we moved on. 

My Service-Learning class didn't give much of a reaction either, but I did have one student (who is now the student body president and who was in my class last year) tell me that he's going to shave his head with me in support. I told him that it's really cold. :) And I thanked him and felt a little warm fuzzy inside. I imagined my student shaving his head in support of me. Really, me? I'm just your teacher. What an amazing heart that boy has. And what a lesson in humility and kindness and compassionate it was for me. 

I got a few replies from teachers telling me that they support me, would like to help in any way they can (I had one teacher who said she wants to take my sweet girls one day a week after school every week), and that they are praying for me and thinking of me. Some told me that they admire me and my strength, and that they admire me as a teacher. I teared up a few times. 

Once again, I have been reminded how many people love me and care about me. 

After work, I came home, we got the girls ready and I went to a massage. I've been seeing my massage therapist for like 6 years or something, off and on. I love her. She is great, in so many ways. And we had a wonderful conversation while I was there. I processed through some thoughts and I physically feel so much better! I popped in real quick to my old chiropractor (who I've been seeing for just as long, off and on), got my hip, neck, and back adjusted, had a good conversation, and went on my way. 

My good friend, from the ward we were in when we first got married - and who had an adorable baby just a month ago!, watched our girls for us while I went to my massage/chiropractor. What an angel and rock she is. She has always, always been such a good example of hospitality and charity to me. She gives and gives and gives no matter what. Her heart is so sincere and she is just plain amazing. I was able to stay and talk with her for a few hours, hold her sweet baby, and just hang out. It was wonderful.

I also scheduled my, echo, PET scan and bone marrow biopsy at the same time, blah. All are scheduled and ready to go in the next few days and week. Blah. 

It was seriously just so awesome to be around one of my old friends and someone who I could just talk to freely without feeling any pressure. I just love her! Rachel, I love you. :)

And then we came home and my other friend came over for a bit. I only met her a few months ago. Like back in August or so. But I love her dearly. She is so compassionate and giving. (Clearly, I have a trend and apparently I'm a needy friend. haha. I mean, cancer patients are kind of needy, but there's a trend here. ;-)) Anyway, we just talked and hung out. I don't ever feel any pressure to impress her and I love that. We looked at purses and diaper bags online, talked about really random things, shared stories about our families, and just hung out. She is planning to organize a 5K for me. When I heard that, I was in shock really. I thought, nah you don't need to do that! And then I thought, you know what, it's okay for her to do that. And tonight she mentioned that it's one she knows of that she can help. I'm learning to let people help. I'm saying yes, instead of no. I'm asking for help already. She is so excited about this 5K! I'm excited too, and I really hope I am feeling well enough to participate! I'm overwhelmed by the love she has for me that she would even think to do this. That is a HUGE amount of love. It's going to be a lot of work and she is just so excited to do it! (Side note: if you have any connections, experience, or advice, let me know :p.) Gillian, I know we met for a reason and I love you so much. My life wouldn't be the same without you. You always know how to brighten up my day.

After she left, I started blogging. And then my sister-in-law, Shawna, came over with a Gatorade re-stock from Costco AND BYU Creamery chocolate milk. Could it get any better? Sheesh! We talked for just a minute. I love her so much. Our friendship has grown a lot in the past couple of years and I am so grateful for it. She's amazing, so caring and selfless, and so in-tune the Spirit. She knows when I need her and sometimes she knows even when I don't. Shawna, thanks for being you. For everything. Really, really. I'm so humbled by everything you've done for me and for us in the last week (and, like, always, of course. :))

And then I got a text from my Facebook-bestie. We met when we both worked at the MTC Cafeteria, but not really. She had a love for purses then and would leave them in the office during her shifts. I always loved her purses. She's a bold and beautiful and exciting woman and friend. And she loves me even though she is far away and we've never really hung out. Our friendship grew on Facebook as I stalked her life and lived vicariously through her and she adored my little girlies. We kind of stalk each other, but in a loving way. :) We talk here and there, love the same tv shows and music, and one day I think we'll go to a Backstreet Boys concert together. Pretty sure. I would do anything I could for her and she would do the same for me. Jessica, seriously, I'm so glad you're in my life. You and I were meant to know each other. :) I love you, lady!

And I had my usual check-in's from loving friends as well. This blog post has gone in a different direction than I thought it would, haha. There is no way I could single out every single person who has helped me recently - not right now. I'm working on that, though! I'm so grateful for my friends who are always there, my friends who have come back into my life, and my faraway friends who are supporting me from all over the world. 

I'm so grateful that I had such an awesome day. At the end of this day, I feel so much better. And I have creamery chocolate milk. I'm so grateful that I didn't have any time to wallow in self-pity or worry about silly things. I have shaken the feelings of sadness, anger and hurt. I'm not perfect, I'm not totally healed. But I'm feeling so much more secure. In my worries with my former friends, I felt the need to explain why I was hurt. I mean, why should I be when I have so many people who care about me, right? I hurt and was/am sad because these are people who I considered to be my best friends the past two years. People who I have shared so many wonderful memories with. People I thought I would have in my life forever. People who have helped me grow from the big trials that started a couple years ago when my husband lost his job and we moved back here and into a tiny apartment and knew only our one dear neighbors, who we have lived by three different times since we got married. :) I will miss those friends, but I have decided to move forward and enhance friendships with people who are so invested in me that it overwhelms me. 

I am so, so, so grateful for the love and support I and my family have received. It astonishes me, it really does. I knew I would get reactions when I posted on Facebook on Sunday, but I didn't realize it would be like this. I didn't realize that in less than 24 hours, sisters in my ward would begin organizing freezer meals for me, that my brothers and friends would share my story and blog with others and ask for prayers and support from complete strangers to me, that people would offer to take our kids so we could go on dates - and even get us tickets to a funny event so we could laugh in the midst of all of this, that friends who volunteer to travel to help, to sacrifice time and energy in their lives to help me, to take my children in as if they are their own, and to hug me, hold me, cry with me, and show me so much love. To stand behind me and remind me that I am going to kick this cancer in the you-know-what! That I am bold, beautiful, strong, and wonderful. That I am amazing. That I can do anything. That I can write a stupid blog for me. And that I am never, never, NEVER alone - in this or in life. 

In many ways, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now.