Chopped... The Hair Off.

So cutting the hair....

Wednesday at my nadir appointment, the NP suggested cutting my hair THIS past weekend because it will probably fall out by the first week of March, so waiting a week might be too late. That gave us TWO days to plan it all. But we did. It all fell into place... work schedules switched, my parents helped us get a hotel room, babysitting fell into place (seriously, a huge thank you to Jessica H and her family for watching our girls and to Mia's grammy for watching her and to Derek for letting Jessica run away for the weekend, his free weekend, and to Rachel for taking the time to photograph the evening for us), and we headed to Salt Lake City. 

Gillian and I first went to the wrong Marriott - they were VERY nice - and then to the correct one. Oops, Salt Lake.... and we checked in. My friends Mikelle and her mom, Gayla, left an amazing gift bag full of all kinds of goodies for me at the front desk. I got it when we checked in. Gillian showed all the excitement for me that I felt inside. :) I actually thought it was from my mom, but when I read the card, I cried. How sweet of them to do that for me. So we went up to our room and got sort of settled. Then we headed out so we could go to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We got our little buzzer and waited for Jessica and Kelli to arrive. We were seated shortly after they got there and our evening of adventure really began. 

Left to right: Kelli, Gillian, Jessica, me.

The Cheesecake Factory reminds me of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory... I mean, seriously. The decorations are swirly, the doors are huge, and the servers walk around in ALL WHITE. They're in the shrinking room, I just know it. It's such a whimsical restaurant and it was so fun to go with friends. I hadn't seen Kelli in a few years, so it was fun to catch up and remember some of our bizarre quirks - like how she goes to the bathroom A LOT. A lot more than the two pregnant ladies. That became a joke. As did the Dyson hand dryer in the bathroom. Gross. :) And that ketchup there in the picture - the server dropped it off for Gillian, but he did it so secretly that it basically just showed up. It was amusing being in Willy Wonka's restaurant. 

We definitely got cheesecake - four different types - and we definitely stopped taking pictures. We are insane. But we were having so much fun!

At the end of the meal, the server asked how the check was being split and assumed that there would be four separate checks. My friends started explaining that I was not paying and Kelli had a gift card, but Jessica was paying for me, and Gillian for her and and and... and put it on one check. haha. He said he figured it was my birthday or something and that's why I wasn't paying. I said, "Nooo.... Ihavecancerandmyhair'sgoingtofallout." Just like that. And he looked SO shocked. He said, "Really?" about five times. Okay, maybe not five, but he was shocked. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to do something for me, and finally he just asked if he could give me a hug. So I got a side-hug from a stranger dressed in all white at the whimsical Cheesecake Factory. He was actually a very nice server, but he seemed to feel so bad for me. It was a very sweet thing to do, though. 

Side note: I ended up being the driver this weekend for a few different reasons, and let me tell you, I am NOT good at driving in Salt Lake. I get anxiety and I get snippity, and I just don't like it. But my friends survived and we managed to get around. Thanks for not killing me, friends. :)

So we took our super full bellies back to the hotel. Shortly after we arrived, Rachel, the photographer, arrived. I met her through a mom group on Facebook and she offered to do a shoot of some kind during this ordeal and Wednesday, I asked if she would do this. 

I don't think I ever actually saw this part of the hotel, haha. :)

I was afraid that I would not be looking super great with the short hair cut, so I put make up on before getting it cut. :) I also didn't want to look totally homely with the photos and all.

That razor makes some terrifying sounds near the ears, but Gillian really knows what she is doing. She is SUPER talented. 

Gillian also offered to wax my beastly eyebrows, so we did that first. :)

And my mom and two other BFF's - Jessica B. and Mikelle (yep, the gift-giving one) Skyped in with us since they couldn't be there in person. 

That's my old hair - after getting it wet for the hair cut of the century.

My "before" - suppose I could've closed my mouuuuuth. ;-) Mikelle and Gayla gave me that cute 'A' necklace. I love it.

Kelli was in charge of recording video on the iPad to send to Patrick... and then he left his cell phone at home. I still haven't watched these videos.

Getting ready to chop it off.

And there she goes. Also a bizarre sound.

My mom and I have always had this thing... holding the pinky up when we drink. Well, my mom just does it. Everyone on Skype was doing this - when everyone wasn't frozen. This is just my uppity pinky.

Mid-hair cut.

I didn't watch. I was actually afraid it would be A LOT more emotional, but I felt okay. 

My gorgeous friend, Kelli, decided to chop her hair off with me. She asked me privately earlier in the evening if it would help me or if I'd like her to and I wasn't sure. Well, after my hair was all gone, I was kind of okay with that idea. And she had been thinking about getting a new hair do, so it wasn't all bad. She's beautiful either way and I felt so honored and loved that she would chop her hair off with me. I also felt like I wasn't alone because someone else lost their hair too. If that makes any illogical sense. Love this lady so much. We have known each other for like 7 years.

Everyone Skyping was also drinking some kind of Coke... that was pretty funny, too. Mom - regular, good stuff. Mikelle - Vanilla. There must be something wrong with her. ;-) and Jessica B. - Diet Coke with lime, which is the only way to bearably drink the Diet stuff. ;-) I just love that my Skyping "besties" are all Coke drinkers too. And Gillian bought me a Mexican Coke - SUPER yum!

This is Kelli getting her hair chopped... obviously. :)

I took a shower because I had tiny hairs all over me, so I messed up my pretty 'do that Gillian gave me, but here we are with our "after" looks. :) It's like we're on ANTM, Kelli!!!

Love her so much! (Ironically, I have no more makeup on, haha.)

One of my favorite photos of the night.

Side-by-side comparison. Boobs to back. What boobs? :P Love you!

Kelli's long locks and my short ones. My long locks are in a pony tail in a bag waiting to be donated.

My best friends - Gillian, me, Jessica S., and Kelli. Of course we had to do a silly prego belly shot! :) For the 9 month pregnant trooper and my very own, Siri! :)

I seriously have THE best friends in the world. I can't believe they did this for me and I'm just super duper thankful. I love you guys!!!

 The night ended up being very hilarious, chill, fun, and silly. We played "Things" with the Skype-ees. That was hilarious. We all have inappropriate minds. :) I'm so glad I could do this with friends - it made it so much easier! I think I must've been mentally more ready than I thought I was because I haven't shed a tear over losing my hair. And I was actually pleasantly surprised with the style. I think it looks quite nice. Nicer than I'll probably admit to. :) But it gives me hope for when my hair grows back in. I'm not as worried about looking like a total freak because I look good now, so I'll look good then.

I think I might have more issues with the being totally bald part, but Jessica B. and her mom bought me some head pieces, so I got the courage to order some myself as well. Those should be here in the next few days, probably just in time. I'm afraid of not having hair by Monday and having to go to school for the first time with no hair. That does NOT excited me. I don't like the attention - a hair cut change was enough! :) Though I'll probably get a different kind of attention when I have no hair, but I'm wearing hats and scarves.

Anyway, the night was a total blast! We stayed up late, watched Pitch Perfect, talked, and finally fell asleep in fluffy beds with no kids kicked our sides. We woke up in the morning ON OUR OWN and had breakfast at Kneader's. We wandered around City Creek Center for a little bit, I got Apple Care for my iPad and a couple cute cardigans at Express, and then we went to back to the hotel to relax and clean up. Once we checked out, we went to the Gateway to see Safe Haven. LOVED it. And I love Josh Duhamel - just ask Kelli. :) Then we took Jessica and Kelli home, and Gillian and I ventured the snowy freeway to pick up my kids and take her home. We got behind schedule because of the stupid, awful, snowy roads. Traffic was at a stand-still going north and then really slow going south.

We were all exhausted, but I'm so glad we did this. I am so glad I have friends who came up with the idea and who were so excited to do this for me. I'm so happy that I have friends who love me so much they want to be here for me in my darkest hours and that they aren't running away. There are so many unknowns in this "adventure" and I have not been left to figure it out on my own. It is amazing. I am so blessed and so lucky.

So thank you Jessica S. and B. and H., Kelli, Gillian (THANK YOU, Gillian!), Mikelle, Mom, Rachel, and all their families who helped make the weekend possible. Thanks for loving me the way you do and always being there for me. You are the best!!!!!

(there is no way I could possibly count and individually thank everyone who has helped me and who will thank me, but thank you, all of you.)

Cutting My Hair

I have a whole blog post with pictures on the way, but until then, here is a video of our night out to cut the locks off. Rachel did a great job with the video!

https://vimeo.com/60529797

I don't know how to download it. I could use help there. :)

Tender Moments With My Sweet, Scared Baby Girl

Tonight, as I was tucking Bella into bed (she was very upset because she lost the privilege to have a lamp tonight to read, so she just got the glow of a night light), I think she accidentally let it slip that she is afraid that SHE is going to lose HER hair. Oh, how sweet my little angel is.

Broke my heart. My little baby is afraid of losing her hair because her mom is going to lose hers because of this stupid cancer. The evil "C" word. I wanted to cry, but I need to be strong for her.

I told her that she isn't going to lose her hair because she doesn't have cancer - that only Mommy has cancer, so only Mommy is going to lose her hair. I told her that I would look like her baby dolls and, jokingly, that I'll look like Daddy - she thought that was funny. My heart just aches that she thinks that she is going to lose her hair because I'm going to lose mine. How sweet my baby girl is. She is so strong and so fierce and yet, she has fears too. I cannot imagine what her young mind must be going through. She is so perceptive and aware of what is going on around her. I have no idea how much of this she understands, but I think it's a lot more than I know.

It makes me angry that this stupid cancer is hurting my baby girls. It should only hurt me, not them. I hate that it is hurting any of my family and friends. I hate that it is hard for them in any way. I hate that they have to suffer. I feel like it should only be me. I should be the only one to suffer; it isn't fair that they do too. If I could take this burden away from them, I would in a heartbeat. And, yet, I think they would say the same thing about me. Oh, how I wish no one else had to suffer because of a sickness I have.

I believe that I chose my family and that at least some of them chose me, in Heaven, before we all came here to earth. I believe that we are together for a reason, and this crappy time is one of those reasons. I have the best mother in the world who is also my best friend. We are just the best of friends. I have a husband, my other best friend, who understands me more than anyone else. He just knows me. And I have two beautiful baby girls who bring so much light and joy into our home and our family. I could snuggle my babies all day every day and let my husband hold me until I fall asleep.

I'm so grateful for family and for eternal families because I know that no matter what happens in this life, we are going to be together forever, and that has pulled me through some of the hardest times in my life, and it continues to keep me going on good days and bad. I'm looking forward to living together forever in a world that isn't full of corruption, sickness, and fears. I'm so looking forward to the day that I can hold my baby girl without her being afraid that she, too, will get the sickness that Mommy has. I'm looking forward to the day that I can play with my babies with all of my energy. I'm looking forward to experiences in this life and in the eternities. I'm just so grateful for the gospel perspective I have and for a wonderful family. I am truly blessed to be in the family that I am - both immediate, of origin, and extended. I know that Heavenly Father allowed me to be with these people and I know I made a good decision in Heaven when I picked them. :) I love my family so, so very much. And I pray that they won't have to suffer through the fears and worries of my sickness. I pray that they will have strength to overcome and fight with me, and I know that they are. I pray that the burden of worrying about me will be lifted from them because I will be okay and I don't want them to worry or be afraid.

I'm so looking forward to the day the doctor tells me I'm cancer-free! There will definitely be a celebration.

Chemo #2

I had my second round of chemo today. 

The doctor said I'm doing GREAT! He even seemed a little shocked at how well I'm doing. So that's good! That's great!!

The Nurse Practitioner, who suggested cutting my hair this past weekend, said my hair looks really, really good and that it might fall out slower because it doesn't have the weight of long hair. Interesting... it's still going to fall out in the next week or two.

Actually, I've had a lot of people suggest I keep this style for a while after it grows back in. Gives me hope, haha. :)

So today...

We got there at 1150 for our noon appointment. Went back at noon and checked vitals. Then we waited for a room to open up. Then we met with the doctor. The goal this time is to use the anti-nausea meds less. See how that affects me. But he said I was doing really well, my lungs are clear, the tumor is already going away (you can't feel it as much in my neck - how crazy is that?!!), everything looks good.

And then I went into a "chemo chair" and got started. The port-a-cath is actually a nice thing. I don't love it, but it's nice because I can do so many things during my treatment since it's going into my chest and not my arm. It might be sitting on a nerve, which causes random pangs of pain, but nothing major. Actually, I still think it's totally weird. When I accidentally run my fingers over it and feel the three bumps, it's just totally weird. Totally weird. Because I don't feel my body, I feel my skin and three bumps. haha. :) It's just weird. But good.

So my treatment took about 2 1/2 hours, give or take. And it always makes me pee A TON at the end. After they give me the one that makes my pee turn red, I have to practically run to the bathroom. And then as soon as my treatments are done, I feel like I'm racing death or an exploding bladder to the bathroom. And then I bloat and look like I'm going to have a chemo baby while my body absorbs all the fluids that have been pumped into me for the last 2 1/2 hours.

I'm supposed to drink 4 quarts of fluid a day. I think it's 4 quarts. Basically a gallon. I swear.... one more way that cancer is like pregnancy. Well, I'm really bad at drinking fluids. But I MUST do this because chemo drugs tend to sit in  your kidneys, so you need the fluids to flush them out and not fry your kidneys. That is a good enough reason for me to push myself to drink like a camel.

Do camels drink a lot?

I'm still really bad at getting enough, but I'm going to try better this week. I got some more Gatorade today on the way home and we have milk and lemonade powder and ginger ale. The funny thing is, I can drink anything, I just need to drink! I never thought I'd have a doctor encourage me to drink whatever I want - like Coke - just so that I'll drink, haha. :) But yeah... so that's a challenge for me, but I'm working on it. I want to save my kidneys. :)

When I was done, and done releasing fluid fury in the bathroom (boy, that sounds gross. hahahaha), we left and stopped at the store to get the aforementioned goodies and a couple of other things. Then we went home and I had to pee again right away. I'm tellin' ya... chemo baby on the way!

Almost as soon as I was done with chemo (or maybe it's just because I was now standing up and walking around), I started to get loopey and REALLY tired. Just kind of shifty and sleepy. I hardly had the energy to text my friend to tell her I was done and she could bring the kids back. So I put the comfy clothes on and crashed on the couch for an hour. Thank heavens for an amazing friend who picked the kids up AND brought them back. Holy amazing, that Ashley is. And I'm kind of grateful she doesn't live just around the corner because I got to sleep this afternoon and I SO needed it. I've had just enough energy to get dinner and take care of the kids. Tender mercy. :)

All in all, my chemo appointment took 3 1/2 - 4 hours today. It took an hour before I was sitting down and getting the drugs started. And there's also a small gap between each drug. And I can take the saline and the heparin they use to flush the line and the stuff they use to keep it from clotting. And then I needed an hour power nap to sleep some of those drugs off before I was able to be a human being again.

I'm glad I had my hubby with me today. And that he got us lunch and got me a slush during Happy Hour at Sonic. :) I love having my best friend around, even if we mostly just hang out next to each other. He's totally a keeper and the best guy for me. And he's funny - he weighed himself at the dr's office today and totally flipped out like a girl. It's pretty amusing. He said he's going to go back on a diet. Love him. LOVE HIM.

Here's to Chemo Week #2! As my big brother, Tyler said, we got this!

Stronger

One of my old college roommates posted this on my Facebook. :) 

Buying Hats/Scarves and Such

Whewy, I did it. I bought some hats/head things.

On Saturday, I received a package from my aforementioned amazing friend, Jessica, and her sweet mother. They ordered 5 items for me - a basic cap, two adorable Blair Waldorf-esque hats with bows that I can wear on the side or in the back (I'm horrible at style names, but it's kind of slouchy) and two different types of scarf things. The scarf things are like a head part with the scarf thing attached that you tie around or in a bow or whatever. They're both really lightweight and I think they will be marvelous for the Spring/Summer!

Well, that little box in the mail gave me the courage to go ahead and click "proceed to checkout." So I did.

I splurged on the gypsy-flapper thing.... http://www.etsy.com/listing/94491240/womens-headband-hat-headwear-headcover?ref=usr_faveitems

And got a few more basic items. Two caps from different stores (to see which I like better before buying any more) and a couple different style scarf/hats.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/114730421/brown-herringbone-soft-warm-flannel?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68619835/3-band-purple-chemo-hat-hijab-alopecia?

http://www.etsy.com/listing/52064945/cotton-hat-liner-chemo-cancer-alopecia?ga_search_query=hat%2Bliner

http://www.etsy.com/listing/111987554/red-sleeping-cap-cancer-hat-chemo-scarf?


I don't know if this will help me or just give me a bunch of REALLY random hats. Ha ha. But at least I started somewhere. I plan to wear the brown one to school and as I transition into being bald in the winter weather. It's supposed to be warm, since it's flannel.

This is all VERY weird.

The Little Button Over There

You may have noticed a little Paypal button on the right side of my blog. Someone I love suggested putting a Paypal button on my blog in case anyone would like to donate to help me. I feel a little bit weird having it there, but it can't hurt, right? And if anyone would like to help and they don't know how else they can, maybe this is a good way for them. There are definitely things I could use financial assistance with. But even just going to get a Coke or something is a blessing. Or a Sonic slush. Yum-o! Or something for my hubby, the great guy that he is. :)

Anyway, my friend put the button on her blog as well and she wrote so eloquently about it all. She's amazing. One of the best ladies I know. I am honored that she asked and wanted to put it on her blog and just for everything she has done for me. I've really learned so much about love, friendship, and humility in the past month.  (http://theebergdorfbrunette.blogspot.com/2013/02/just-fight-like-girl.html)

So I guess what I'm trying to say, but am having a really hard time expressing, is that there is a Paypal button on the right side of my blog. It is there in case you would like to donate to our family and our fight against this evil cancer. Any amount is wonderful and such a blessing. I cry every single time I am given something to help me fight this battle. I am so humbled by the love and charity others have for us. It is absolutely amazing.

And if you would like to add a button to your blog as well, I can send you the html code for it. I am not asking you to do so at all; I just wanted to let you know that it can be done if you'd like.

Thank you so much to everyone reading this for your love and support. You are making this fight A LOT easier to handle. :) I am DEFINITELY not alone.

Accessorize It!

I've never been one to really accessorize much. 

I've worn the same earrings since tenth grade. Sometimes I change them for special events, but I can't wear cheapo fake stuff because I eat it and it hurts my ears (same goes for cheap jewelry). 

I regularly wear one of two necklaces - one my parents gave me and one my husband gave me. (I was actually given two new, beautiful necklaces THIS weekend, haha. I plan to wear them often!)

I have purchased jewelry, scarves, bracelets, etc., but it just never sticks. 

And it seems like everything about cancer that they tell you to make you feel beautiful without your hair and stuff involves accessorizing - snazzy earrings and necklaces, scarves, hats, bows, etc. 

This is just so foreign to me. 

I don't know how to accessorize.

But I'm definitely trying. 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/94491240/womens-headband-hat-headwear-headcover?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/113212654/womens-headband-hat-headcover-headwear?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/120122930/womens-hat-red-and-white-spots-1920s?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/93454422/mulit-colored-floral-scarf-israeli?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/100716555/2-way-navy-knit-chemo-cap-cancer-hat?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/51273287/white-dots-on-red-surgical-scrub-hat?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/120983194/white-solid-color-chemo-hat-cancer-scarf?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/59695846/3-band-brown-knit-chemo-cancer-alopecia?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68631352/womens-gray-pleated-snood-hijab-hair?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/95441113/ivory-sleep-cap-cancer-chemo-hat-scarf?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/94837204/english-traditions-chemo-scarves-black?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/94110142/womens-blue-geometric-hair-loss-cancer?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/65657236/turban-head-wrap-chemo-hat-head-scarf?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/93648273/blue-paisley-chemo-scarf-cancer-turban?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/118368558/jersey-knit-turban-head-wrap-chemo-hat?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/95441068/navy-sleep-cap-cancer-chemo-hat-scarf?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/114730421/brown-herringbone-soft-warm-flannel?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68634583/white-cotton-hat-liner-chemo-cancer?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/68633639/brown-cotton-hat-liner-chemo-cancer?ref=v1_other_1

http://www.etsy.com/listing/87471666/womens-classic-dots-cancer-hat-chemo?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/113786123/golden-snowflakes-on-red-cancer-hat?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/106791125/english-traditions-blue-floral-cancer?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/113347955/classic-floral-chemo-scarf-cancer-turban?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/98269910/womens-batik-hand-dyed-red-swirl-cancer?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/113349619/batik-hand-dyed-brown-dandelion-cancer?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/88869832/chemo-hat-cancer-cap-cotton-knit-in?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/121630126/gray-turban-head-wrap-alopecia-chemo?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/113420332/soft-turbanturbin-bandana-hat-head-scarf?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/91848784/surgical-scrub-hat-chemo-cap-perfect-fit?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/53305943/black-silk-look-chemo-hat-alopecia?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/109684567/head-wrap-turban-chemo-alopecia-head?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/109370267/cobalt-plaid-turban-chemo-head-wrap?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/85196562/turban-chemo-hat-alopecia-head-wrap?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/113420996/brown-turban-bandana-hair-covering-head?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/80884328/womens-red-fleece-beret-turban-chemo-hat?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/81318564/chemo-head-scarf-whitestretchy-tencel?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/60193429/headwrap-navy-blue-chemo-hat-alopecia?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/81269271/chemo-alopecia-head-scarf-gray-soft?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/81702945/head-scarf-chemo-navy-soft-alopecia?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/81317994/chemo-head-scarf-tencel-soft-stretchy?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/92286413/scarf-charcoal-chemo-alopecia-tencel?ref=usr_faveitems

http://www.etsy.com/listing/121225154/women-chemo-hats-all-season-handmade-cap?ref=usr_faveitems

Now if I could just choose which ones to put in the shopping cart.... and then just click "proceed to checkout".

Chemo Side-effects

Well, I think they have finally worn off, so now I can properly recognize and identify them.

Monday - Chemo and well, it was just a crappy day. Starving.
Tuesday - sore and worn out from surgery, mid-afternoon got REALLY tired, spend the second half of the day REALLY tired. Still hungry from not eating enough Monday. Hungry.

Wednesday and Thursday - totally out of it, couldn't remember what drugs I had taken, was probably awake 4-6 hours total. Went to bed at 730-8 (or fell asleep on the couch and then went to sleep) both days, just totally, totally, totally out of it! Ate out of necessity.

Friday - anxious, antsy, took a mid-morning nap, but then nothing else, was awake all day, tried to sleep while the kids were at the babysitter, but couldn't, so very antsy... I think I would say this might be like coming down off of a really high high. Even took a lorazepam to go to sleep and still tossed and turned. Just couldn't settle down or rest, even though my body was saying I was tired. Starving, but full and bloated all day. Had an emotional "human moment" where I didn't want this to be happening to me. I think I really might have been high on chemo....... yikes. Even had someone go get me Panda Express... Pandas don't run, just FYI. Could've had a Sonic slush, too. (Holy crap, looking back, I mean seriously.... I was apparently high.)

Saturday - woke up with an alert mind, but seemingly tired outer body, with a busy, antsy inner body. Had to get out of the house. Tried to do anything to get the muscles going and moving. By evening, I'm feeling like myself and no longer feeling like I'm coming down off of a really high high. Morning, eating out of necessity. By evening, eating normally.

I had an instant breakfast every day and toast for breakfast. Foraged for lunch. Ate what the wonderful ward members brought for dinner. And what Shawna made and whatever take-out we got on Tuesday. I think we got take-out. And I ate a lot of ice cream.

So I think that about describes it.

The 90s Pop Radio Pandora Station is THE BEST. As is a Spice Girls rap. Promise you'll always be there-ere-ere.... Ye-es, I swe-ar.

One Down, Eleven to Go!

I've been off the grid this week. 

I have a friend who says that blogs are much more interesting when they have pictures. She's not wrong. So I decided to add some pictures. Imagine the hits we'll get this week!

This is my "last supper" - my last medium ribeye steak from Texas Roadhouse for the next six months or so. I usually have one every 3 or so, but I think I'll be able to handle 6 months just fine. .... As long as everyone knows that that's where the celebratory dinner will be held. This picture also serves as my "pre-chemo" photo. I'm a babe. Or so my husband says. He's a hunk-a hunk-a burnin' love, if I do say so myself.

And these come from the Sunday before Valentine's Day, the day before I started Chemo. Poor Makenzie got sick, so she and I stayed home from church. I was kind of pretty sad because I won't be attending this week because of my immune system, so that's two weeks in a row, but Patrick was at drill, so I did my motherly duty and carried for my sicky. Bella is in her adorable Valentine's outfit. I love holiday clothes for kids. Like LOVE them. I got this skirt at the outlets when I hung out with Gillian and Jessica and they gave my my iPad. Bella didn't want her picture taken, so I chased her around the house.... And I can't get the dang pictures to go in order... the snoozing one was after church. Can you believe that I couldn't find Bella and her cute fluffy bum snoozing on the couch? I did, finally, find her. Makenzie and I did. And we took a picture, as we always do, of the sleeping beauty. (I also like taking pictures of my kids while they're asleep. It's not creepy when they're your own.)

I started chemo on Monday. I actually ended up spending like 9 hours at the hospital on Monday. So let me tell you...

We went in at 7am to get the port-a-cath put in. (I'll have to get those pictures from my iPad. That's going to take some learning.) I wasn't totally out asleep (at least not for all of it), I could hear what was going on, but I didn't feel a thing. Once I got done, they sent me back to the triage room, got my breakfast for me (hospital breakfast burrito and banana, what what) and they sent me on my way. They were mighty efficient. The "gross" parts of this are things like how gigantic the needle of the catheter was and all that kind of stuff.... that I have pictures of on my iPad. 

So then we went over to Cancer Village (just named it that) and waited. We were about 35 minutes late (though we called), but somehow in the translation of computers and everything, we didn't get back here for another hour or so. A long time. I kind of snoozed in the waiting room. Anyway, I was supposed to go back at like 930 and we didn't start chemo until noon-ish. 

So then I had my chemo treatment. I wrote sub plans while I was there. And of course I played with my new iPad. I sure do love my friends and family. They are so good to me. 

The rest of the week became a blur. Monday I was okay, but starving and out of it - surgery and chemo and not getting home until ten hours after I left, very hungry, very hungry, tired, worn out... long day. Shawna stayed with the kids all day, bless her!, and she took care of us when I got home too. Patrick had to rush to work. I was quite nauseous, but I really think it's because I didn't eat enough in my long hospital visit day. 

Tuesday I woke up thinking that I should've taken the surgery into account and I should've gotten a sub. But I didn't, so oh well to that. I went to school. I had a meeting that afternoon so I was planning to stay until it was over, but around noon, I hit a brick wall. I got some lunch, thinking it was that, but I just couldn't re-coup. So I went home, took an hour nap, and had Patrick drive me back to work for my meeting. I think I slept when I got home too. And I started not being able to remember what drugs to take and which I had taken. 

Wednesday and Thursday were a blur. I really couldn't remember what to take or what I had taken on Wednesday and part of Thursday. I wrote it down, but still wasn't sure. I slept more than I was awake. Like I woke up, ate, was up for less than an hour, and then went back to sleep for 2-3 hours. Rinse and repeat. Wednesday and Thursday disappeared. 

Since Thursday was Valentine's Day, Patrick took the kids to a ward Valentine exchange hoopla. He also got me a sweet card and some chocolates. I did nothing for him but lay on the couch like a bump on a log. I'll do better next year. (And let it be known that I really wanted to recreate our first Valentine's Day this year, but once cancer got in the way, that went out the window. Like I said, next year....)

So he took the kids to the exchange. They got to decorate bags and trade Valentines. The night before Bella wrote her name on all 15 of her Valentines. I might have a picture of that on my iPad too. Technology.... 

We are familiar with this movement that Bella does. And those shoes. And that outfit.

Boy, I love her.

She's so silly and I have no idea what she's doing because I wasn't there.

But, clearly, she loved it.

Decorating her bag. 

Impressive, huh? Loving her jammies. She actually changed INTO them for the day.

Bella decorating her bag. E-E-E-E BEEEEEELLA.

Showing Daddy the goodies. He did such a good job taking pictures since I couldn't be there. :) Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I suppose she is inspecting her bag for perfection.

The goods inside B's bag.

So while I was TOTALLY out of it, they were having fun. And I'm glad they did. I wasn't super nauseous, but I did stay on top of those meds. I just slept and slept and slept and slept and slept. Friends would come take the kids and I would literally wake up when they brought them back. They've also been helping me put M in her bed because I can't lift her for two weeks, while my incision heals. Dang chemo makes me heal slower! It's really putting a cramp in my style! But my friends and ward family and family family are amazing! Like super duper amazing! It's only week one, but I know I wouldn't be able to do it without them!!!

Friday, I was coming back to life. Kind of felt like I was coming off of some high, with jitters and not totally being with it, or like my insides were alive, but not my outsides. I felt like that for half of today too, but I'm doing a lot better. 

We went to Ikea today and finally got the book shelf thing for the girls' room. Next we need to upgrade their beds, but... in time. Them suckers are freaking expensive!!!!! So Patrick has a project for tomorrow, and thank goodness he doesn't have drill. I feel like I haven't seen him all week, even though he's been home until about 1:45/2:00 in the afternoon. I'm grateful that we get a day together. And that Monday is a holiday. I wish every Monday was a holiday....

1 down, 11 to go.

Now these pictures are not really related to this week. They are from two Sundays ago, when Bella asked if we could make cupcakes. Actually, it all originated from Makenzie's birthday and how I'm a slacker mom and we didn't make cupcakes ON her birthday. Alas.... the photos.... Bella chose a recipe from her Princess cupcake book and we made them. They were delicious!

Just being silly in the kitchen.

It was her job to put the cupcake liners in. And wear a Tinkerbell costume while baking, OF COURSE.

Heart cut-outs from the top. 

And the side view. Seriously, they were yum.

So I'm finally coming back to life. I mean, I have the energy to blog, so that's a big deal. I might even grade papers tonight. Holy Hannah!!!!

And I've decided that I want this necklace from Etsy. And I want it in a bad way, so I'm going to get it. Only, I want two little birth stone "jewels" instead of the brown one. 

http://www.etsy.com/listing/52883548/two-name-custom-necklace-personalized?

And my friends continue to be wonderful. I got yet another goodie package today. It included a wig. I'm still not sure what to do with that, but I am incredibly grateful for it and the sentiment. It just kind of freaks me out. I think they'll understand that. I hope so. Because I sure do love them!