A Funny

Saw this tonight and laughed:

They said "plz" because it's shorter than "please."

I answered "no" because it's shorter than "yes."

Chemo Hats/Scarves

Back when I wasn't sure what I had, I did some googling and I found a video of this sweet British woman modeling different types of head scarves/hats/etc that you can use if you lose your hair from chemo. At that point, I was REALLY hoping for thymoma and surgery and a humongo (that's "really big") scar on my chest so that I wouldn't lose my hair.

Since being diagnosed with Hodgkins and being told that I will lose my hair, I have avoided looking at head scarves/hats anything. Anything. I even asked my friends in my mom group to do the research for me. I really don't want to.

One of my friends from my mom group did a bunch of research - she even went to a wig shop in her town and got a bunch of information and sent it to me! We are actually going there tomorrow. I'm nervous, definitely.

One of my dear friends from high school, who I really haven't talked to much more than here and there in the past... many years... did some research for me and even got me an Etsy gift card so that I can get some.

My mom did some research on wigs in her town. She's still doing research. I love her.

And tonight I am now looking through Etsy at head scarves, hats, etc., and listening to the Les Mis soundtrack. And I bawling my eyes out. Partly because the people in the songs are dying, haha, but it's just so real actually looking through these and marking some as "favorites"....

I just don't want to do this.

I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to have cancer. I don't want to be tired and sick all the time. I don't want this.

I just don't want it.



** One of my good friends, Brittany, said: "That is a recipe for failure." (listening to Les Mis and looking at chemo scarves and hats) Ha ha. Yes, yes, it is.

Facebook Posts

I finished copy-pasting the Facebook posts and messages into a Word Doc. Now I need to go through text messages..... whew.

It only took like an hour and a half! Ha ha.

My Mama-san is Very Wise

I want to post something here that my mom posted on my Facebook wall on the 24th. She just said it so well.


Isn't it interesting that some of the people you invested so much time and effort into, and yet now have no time to be concerned, are the ones who can hurt you the most? I guess it's because the relationship seemed to be so important to you. Other relationships just manage themselves easily, with no pressure and always an acceptance of loving you just the way you are. And even when you are a bit snarky, they look at the situation, evaluate, and then try to understand and/or help versus judge. Those are the golden friendships that stand the tests of time. Those are the gifts. Truly Adrienne, you are surrounded by so many wonderful people. Let them fill your days and your life with their love and kindness, and you will find comfort and safety in their friendship and help. Let the other ones go and allow them no more power to hurt you. I know it is easy to say, "just let them go and it will be better" but it isn't always that easy to do. Mourn the loss of the friendship for just a tiny moment, and then glorify the friendships of those truly invested in you and your family. You would most certainly be there for these people, and now they can be and are there for you. Lucky, lucky girl. ♥ love you, sweetheart.

FYI - this isn't a super pleasant or kind post.

One of the things people do when you tell them you have cancer is begin listing everyone they've ever known who has ever had cancer too. They think it's the same thing and that somehow greater numbers of people who have suffered will somehow make you feel better about yourself. Or I don't know. Maybe they want you to know that they know someone who has gone through something possibly remotely like what you're going through so they know what to do. But, clearly, they don't. Or they wouldn't say that.

I get that some people are very genuine about what they're saying and I understand that it can just be a natural reaction for people. But I don't understand why anyone would think it would make me feel better or why they would think they have all the answers now.

Cancer affects every person differently. Treatments - even the same ones - affect every person differently. We might have the exact same "chemo cocktail," but end up with entirely different side-effects. In fact, that's more likely to happen than for us to have the same side-effects. And you do NOT know what it's going to be like for me. And, frankly, I don't want to hear (at least right now) what it was like for you or your neighbor or sister or cousin or brother or dad. I get that you're trying to give me hope for a good outcome, but it doesn't really do that. I want to hear everything from the doctor. I don't want to hear what happened to you that might happen to me from you.

And medicine changes SO MUCH all the time. What they did five years ago is probably not the same as what they're doing now. In fact, with this type of cancer, things are constantly changing. It's a growing and advancing field and what happened five years REALLY doesn't apply now.


Anyway, I don't want to hear it. Maybe later I'll want to hear your life story. But right now, I don't want to hear any of it. I want to hear about what you watched on tv last night and what your rotten little kids are getting into - because mine can probably beat yours any day of the week.

My doctor is going to fill my head with more information than I'll have room for and all kinds of horrible things. I don't want to hear about your experience right now. Let's talk later. When I'm better. Until then, let's watch Gossip Girl and see how long it takes us to figure out that it was Dan all along....




I feel better now. :)

A Priesthood Blessing

This is why I am so strong. 

I asked my husband to give me a priesthood blessing before going to have my tests done today (echo today, bone marrow biopsy tomorrow, PET scan on Wednesday). Brother Jesse, from the ward, came over to assist him. For a blessing of healing the sick and afflicted, you should use at least two worthy Melchizedek priesthood holders. They act in the name of God to give you a blessing. These are words directly from our Heavenly Father, for me. And this is why I am able to keep going. This was one of the most beautiful, if not THE most beautiful, blessings I have ever received or heard. I love that I have the gospel in my life.

This blessing is sealed and given by worthy Melchizedek priesthood holders.

• Heavenly Father blesses me with strength and comfort, and especially of healing.
• Of comfort that and the ability to know that my friends and family are around me and that I am one of my Heavenly Father's choice daughters.
• With knowledge and understanding of how much He loves me, wants to be there for me, how much He knows what I am going through.
• He blesses me with the Spirit, with the gospel, so that I can have the comfort I need as I go throughout these upcoming months and struggle against the tiredness and chemotherapy that I will receive and that I will be able to know that He is there and ready to lift me and guide me whenever I need.
• The strength to take care of my kids and family and complete the tasks that are necessary for me.
• The strength to carry on and fight the good fight, no matter how long it is, and that I will be able to not only have the strength physically, but the spiritual strength to keep a good attitude, to be able to not suffer, and to strengthen those around me by my trials and tribulations.
• He blesses me at this time of healing and of love, He blesses me with the knowledge and comfort and strength to know that I will overcome this sickness and that I will be able to resume a normal life and that I'll be able to know that it is through Him and His blessings that I will receive this.
• He blesses me with these blessings at this time because of my faith, because of my obedience and the sacrifices I've made for Him and His gospel.
• The ability and strength and comfort I'll need to continue to be able to continue to sacrifice and to bless the lives of those around me.
• He blesses me with the blessing of comfort in the fact that I will know what I need to do and I will be able to get it done, and that I will be able to lean upon Him in those times.
• Blesses me with these things in and through His son, Jesus Christ.

Meeting with the Oncologist

We are meeting with the oncologist next week. Based on what we already know...

What questions should we ask him?

Stats

Dude, check this out. (Blogger has so many cool features now... that I didn't know about haha)

Good Reminders

I've had many really good reminders today. This is probably going to be long and jumbled. I have a lot to get out today.

Yesterday was a crappy day. Today was A LOT better. 

Yesterday I went to work and talked to my principal, sent an email to my colleagues explaining everything, lost some once-really good/close friends, had my first very negative/hurtful reaction when telling someone about this, cried a lot, ate pizza, went to bed at ten and then didn't go to sleep until midnight, cried a lot more, got puffy eyes, and had this sinus/head/chest/smog cold really kick in.

It was a really bleepity bleepy day. And exhausting.

I have been so amazed and intrigued and inspired and baffled and overwhelmed by the reactions and responses of people upon finding out or being told that I have Hodgkin's. Everyone copes with something like this differently. And everyone has a different reaction.

I have had A LOT of the following reactions:
- Outpouring of compassion
- Instant offers to help babysit, clean, make meals, organize meals being prepared, take my kids regularly, anything really
- Prayers
- Hugs
- Condolences
- Shock
- Communication with people I haven't talked to in five to ten years or more
- Offers to come across country to help me in any way I need (and this from people I haven't talked to in YEARS)
- Offers to do anything, just say the word
- Kind words
- Jokes to brighten my day
- Text messages checking on me
- Thoughts, prayers, tears.... so many tears
- Offer to compile memories (not exactly related at first haha, but became related)
- Amazement by my attitude or how I'm reacting to everything
- People telling me how strong I am - and that I'll be beautiful bald. :) (I'm still not sold on this one, but I LOVE that people are telling me this because it is going to be the hardest thing for me.)
- Support, oodles and oodles of support - from ALL OVER THE WORLD. It is AMAZING!
- And one box of sunshine. :)

And yet I have also had some of these reactions:
- Void of emotion
- Not seeming to care at all
- Loss of friendships in relation to my stresses in the past few months
- Hurtful comments
- Void of ability to be flexible or helpful

And for some reason that small, very small, list really got to me yesterday.

In the past few months, I have been through a lot. And Patrick and I chose to keep it to ourselves because we didn't know what anything was, we didn't want people to worry (especially if it was nothing!), and we didn't want people constantly asking us if we had test results back yet. That can be very unhelpful, even though it's really them being concerned and wanting to know. It's hard to be reminded that you're waiting for the results of something that you never thought you'd experience in your life, let alone in your 20's. I mean, did I ever think I'd get an ultrasound on my neck? needle aspiration biopsy? concerns about my thyroid with no family history of problems? a CAT SCAN? um, seriously no. a surgical biopsy where they removed a chunk of tissue from my body? a piece of my body, they took out of my body and put under microscopes. Never. Never did I ever imagine that.

During this time, I think have craved love and wanted hugs and friendship. I have so many friends, I can see that now, but I clearly have not been recognizing it. I have been thinking that I don't have friends who love me or care about me, that I am alone, that no one wants to spend their time on me, and that my only friends are through virtual conversations and in other cities, states, and even countries. In the last three days, I have been showered with so much loved. POURED ON. So many people who are concerned and who care about me.

But, unfortunately, those who are closest in physical proximity who I thought were my closest friends, have not shown the same compassion. And it really hurt me the past few days. Our lives have gone in different directions recently and we value different things at this time. It has been so sad for me to watch it slowly happening over the past few months. And suddenly, there was no communication, there were no invitations to hang out, and I was so confused. So I asked them about it and they finally responded. I have asked in the past, but not received answers. Their responses were mostly hurtful, but also eye-opening. I didn't realize that I was being negative or making the time we spent together unenjoyable. I spent my evening crying, talking to my mom and closest friends (who aren't neighbors or down the street, or even in the same city), and trying to process through the hurtful words.

And trying to figure out why on earth I was letting them hurt me when I have received SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much love in the past few days. (And when they even told me I had enough people who loved me, implying that it shouldn't matter that they don't care about me anymore.) I have received SOOOOOOOOOOO much more love than I ever could have even imagined. So much love and compassion that it has brought me to tears and humbled me incredibly. A couple months ago, I thought very few people cared about me. Today, over 2,000 people have viewed my blog (or times, I don't know, whatever, either way, it's a lot) and DOZENS of friends have sent me messages to tell me how much they love me, that they are behind me and will fight with me, and that I can do this. It is amazing. I don't even have words to describe the feelings I have about this.

So I finally went to bed, covered in tears and dreading my puffy eyes that would surely come in the morning. My husband fell asleep by my side, holding me.

When I woke up this morning, I prayed so hard that I would have the strength to get through this day, to not be hurt by what my former-friends had said, and to have a desire to accept the love that has been offered to me and reject the hurt. I prayed that I would conquer my sadness and negative feelings. That I would not be affected by their hurtful words anymore - for them not to have power over me, for me not to want so badly to fix the problem and solve everything and to let go. I was so tired this morning. 

I should probably mention briefly that I spoke to an important decision-making person for us and our jobs and that person was really negative and hurtful and not helpful at all. It made me very, very angry and I wanted to kick that person. But I can't give anymore details than that and it was later mostly fixed by another conversation. But this added to my other stresses yesterday. 

So I took a shower. It was a glorious shower. (Side note. Showers are kind of weird now. Every time I take a shower and wash my hair and use conditioner, I get a little bit sad. I don't know if I should be enjoying my hair while it's here or dreading the baldness that is to come. Be happy for saving money on shampoo and conditioner, or be sad that I won't have those yummy smells on me anymore nor the hair to use them on. I'm going to need to invest in some seriously good-smelling, moisturizing body wash, haha. I have slightly sensitive skin and I am also worried that I will get pimples on my bald head. FYI.)  Okay, so I took a shower. It was relaxing. Nice. Most showers as a mom are so rushed and my kids are always banging on the door, crying to get in and join me. haha. Not usually at 6:15 in the morning, though. So anyway, I was feeling... okay. I went to the living room to get ready (because dear, sweet B has been sleeping with us and because I didn't want to wake her nor Patrick). I saw my scriptures on the floor by the couch and I decided to open them and read a scripture. I wasn't sure if I should pick up where I left off in 2 Nephi in my Book of Mormon reading (which I haven't done a very good job of in the past few days) or just choose something randomly highlighted. I went with the latter. And I found Alma 36:3, a scripture I read a week or two ago and then tried to cite and lost the page:

"...and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

Tender mercy. What a tender mercy. (Side note: Read the book "Divine Signatures" by .... I can't remember who, but read it.) I needed to read this scripture. The Lord is on my side, no matter what the affliction, pain, TROUBLE, or trial is. Every trouble of my heart, every worry I have, if I trust in Him, He will support me. The Lord will support me and so will all of my friends and family. 

So that was tender mercy #1. 

Tender mercy #2: I always go start the car 10-15 minutes before I leave because it is dang frigid outside. Also, I am an old person so I listen to news talk radio like all the time. I even have favorite shows now. It's serious. Well, last night, the girls and I listened to real SONGS on the radio, on a different station, on our way home. So this morning when I started the car, it wasn't on news radio. And the song "Home" by Phillip Phillips was playing. I listened to a piece of it, then came inside, found it on Spotify and sat down to listen to it. Perfect. SO perfect for me. Exactly what I needed and wanted to hear this morning. 

"Home"

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

I wanted to cry, it was just what I needed to hear. I may have teared up a bit. I'm a sap. 

Then I went to work, with another prayer in my heart for a good day, for confidence to tell my students, and for everything else I had already been praying for. 

And I told my students. And it wasn't awful. And I didn't cry. For the most part, they didn't really say anything, though I did get some shocked faces. My Teen Living class asked the most questions. We were talking about self-esteem, self-concept, positive and negative self-talk and how we need to adjust our thinking so we don't fall into the slums. One of my students, who I also taught last year (but she was REALLY quiet then haha), asked me, 

"So how ARE you doing with all of this?"

I told them that I'm very confident that I will be okay, but that I'm scared and worried about the middle road. It's hard, but I'm trying to be tough and strong. I want to be honest with my students, but not terrify them. I told them that I am worried about losing my hair, that that makes me sad and scared. A girl in the back hollered out that I'll still be hot bald. haha. :) Sweet teenagers. And they asked me a few more follow-up questions and we moved on. 

My Service-Learning class didn't give much of a reaction either, but I did have one student (who is now the student body president and who was in my class last year) tell me that he's going to shave his head with me in support. I told him that it's really cold. :) And I thanked him and felt a little warm fuzzy inside. I imagined my student shaving his head in support of me. Really, me? I'm just your teacher. What an amazing heart that boy has. And what a lesson in humility and kindness and compassionate it was for me. 

I got a few replies from teachers telling me that they support me, would like to help in any way they can (I had one teacher who said she wants to take my sweet girls one day a week after school every week), and that they are praying for me and thinking of me. Some told me that they admire me and my strength, and that they admire me as a teacher. I teared up a few times. 

Once again, I have been reminded how many people love me and care about me. 

After work, I came home, we got the girls ready and I went to a massage. I've been seeing my massage therapist for like 6 years or something, off and on. I love her. She is great, in so many ways. And we had a wonderful conversation while I was there. I processed through some thoughts and I physically feel so much better! I popped in real quick to my old chiropractor (who I've been seeing for just as long, off and on), got my hip, neck, and back adjusted, had a good conversation, and went on my way. 

My good friend, from the ward we were in when we first got married - and who had an adorable baby just a month ago!, watched our girls for us while I went to my massage/chiropractor. What an angel and rock she is. She has always, always been such a good example of hospitality and charity to me. She gives and gives and gives no matter what. Her heart is so sincere and she is just plain amazing. I was able to stay and talk with her for a few hours, hold her sweet baby, and just hang out. It was wonderful.

I also scheduled my, echo, PET scan and bone marrow biopsy at the same time, blah. All are scheduled and ready to go in the next few days and week. Blah. 

It was seriously just so awesome to be around one of my old friends and someone who I could just talk to freely without feeling any pressure. I just love her! Rachel, I love you. :)

And then we came home and my other friend came over for a bit. I only met her a few months ago. Like back in August or so. But I love her dearly. She is so compassionate and giving. (Clearly, I have a trend and apparently I'm a needy friend. haha. I mean, cancer patients are kind of needy, but there's a trend here. ;-)) Anyway, we just talked and hung out. I don't ever feel any pressure to impress her and I love that. We looked at purses and diaper bags online, talked about really random things, shared stories about our families, and just hung out. She is planning to organize a 5K for me. When I heard that, I was in shock really. I thought, nah you don't need to do that! And then I thought, you know what, it's okay for her to do that. And tonight she mentioned that it's one she knows of that she can help. I'm learning to let people help. I'm saying yes, instead of no. I'm asking for help already. She is so excited about this 5K! I'm excited too, and I really hope I am feeling well enough to participate! I'm overwhelmed by the love she has for me that she would even think to do this. That is a HUGE amount of love. It's going to be a lot of work and she is just so excited to do it! (Side note: if you have any connections, experience, or advice, let me know :p.) Gillian, I know we met for a reason and I love you so much. My life wouldn't be the same without you. You always know how to brighten up my day.

After she left, I started blogging. And then my sister-in-law, Shawna, came over with a Gatorade re-stock from Costco AND BYU Creamery chocolate milk. Could it get any better? Sheesh! We talked for just a minute. I love her so much. Our friendship has grown a lot in the past couple of years and I am so grateful for it. She's amazing, so caring and selfless, and so in-tune the Spirit. She knows when I need her and sometimes she knows even when I don't. Shawna, thanks for being you. For everything. Really, really. I'm so humbled by everything you've done for me and for us in the last week (and, like, always, of course. :))

And then I got a text from my Facebook-bestie. We met when we both worked at the MTC Cafeteria, but not really. She had a love for purses then and would leave them in the office during her shifts. I always loved her purses. She's a bold and beautiful and exciting woman and friend. And she loves me even though she is far away and we've never really hung out. Our friendship grew on Facebook as I stalked her life and lived vicariously through her and she adored my little girlies. We kind of stalk each other, but in a loving way. :) We talk here and there, love the same tv shows and music, and one day I think we'll go to a Backstreet Boys concert together. Pretty sure. I would do anything I could for her and she would do the same for me. Jessica, seriously, I'm so glad you're in my life. You and I were meant to know each other. :) I love you, lady!

And I had my usual check-in's from loving friends as well. This blog post has gone in a different direction than I thought it would, haha. There is no way I could single out every single person who has helped me recently - not right now. I'm working on that, though! I'm so grateful for my friends who are always there, my friends who have come back into my life, and my faraway friends who are supporting me from all over the world. 

I'm so grateful that I had such an awesome day. At the end of this day, I feel so much better. And I have creamery chocolate milk. I'm so grateful that I didn't have any time to wallow in self-pity or worry about silly things. I have shaken the feelings of sadness, anger and hurt. I'm not perfect, I'm not totally healed. But I'm feeling so much more secure. In my worries with my former friends, I felt the need to explain why I was hurt. I mean, why should I be when I have so many people who care about me, right? I hurt and was/am sad because these are people who I considered to be my best friends the past two years. People who I have shared so many wonderful memories with. People I thought I would have in my life forever. People who have helped me grow from the big trials that started a couple years ago when my husband lost his job and we moved back here and into a tiny apartment and knew only our one dear neighbors, who we have lived by three different times since we got married. :) I will miss those friends, but I have decided to move forward and enhance friendships with people who are so invested in me that it overwhelms me. 

I am so, so, so grateful for the love and support I and my family have received. It astonishes me, it really does. I knew I would get reactions when I posted on Facebook on Sunday, but I didn't realize it would be like this. I didn't realize that in less than 24 hours, sisters in my ward would begin organizing freezer meals for me, that my brothers and friends would share my story and blog with others and ask for prayers and support from complete strangers to me, that people would offer to take our kids so we could go on dates - and even get us tickets to a funny event so we could laugh in the midst of all of this, that friends who volunteer to travel to help, to sacrifice time and energy in their lives to help me, to take my children in as if they are their own, and to hug me, hold me, cry with me, and show me so much love. To stand behind me and remind me that I am going to kick this cancer in the you-know-what! That I am bold, beautiful, strong, and wonderful. That I am amazing. That I can do anything. That I can write a stupid blog for me. And that I am never, never, NEVER alone - in this or in life. 

In many ways, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now.

The Spirit Can Help You Write Emails

I've needed to send my principal an email all weekend and tell him what's going on, but I had no idea what to say. I sent everyone else that word doc email, but I didn't feel like that was appropriate. So tonight I finally sat down to write it (no more posts to respond to to give me an excuse not to, haha). And, I kid you not, I did not write this email. I had help. The Spirit must've come into the room and moved my fingers for me. Even I am proud (and amazed by) of what came out.



(Mr. Principal - not posting his name),

I have been trying to figure out what to write all weekend.

I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I just found out Friday night. Friday afternoon I got a call from the cardiothorastic surgeon who did the biopsy and he told me, but it didn't really mean anything until the oncologist called and explained everything later that night. I will have six months of chemotherapy, once a month via IV for three hours, then take one month off and do a month of radiation (because it is classified as bulky and because the mass is large). The radiation will take 6-8 weeks to recover from, though I'm not really sure what all that entails.

Dr. Rich, the oncologist, said I would have a better idea how treatments will affect me after the first round, which will take place in the next 2-3 weeks. I'm thinking probably the first week of February. I plan to take off a few days around that and then hopefully I will be feeling up to teach for another three weeks and then take a few days off again at each treatment. I will lose my hair after the first round, most likely 1-2 weeks after it. I have to have three tests done this week or next (scheduling) to determine what stage it is so that they know what "chemo cocktail" to use. I plan to send an email to the faculty sometime this week and tell my students as well.

I have a very supportive family and group of friends and I am so grateful for the support you have given me. It has made this.. process.. so much easier. I am going to call Human Resources to talk to them about their policies for this type of thing, but I am hoping that I am well enough to come to school for 3+ weeks each month and then take off a few days around the treatments.

I will be very, very tired and I may be nauseous (though I will get medicine for that). (And I will probably be an emotional roller-coaster :).) My Service-Learning class has a lot of awesome ideas for this semester and I am hoping that we can do many of the things they want and that my illness won't hinder that. I do not want my illness to negatively affect my students or take away from their opportunity to learn and grow in the classes I teach. Brandi and Natalie are going to help me with Foods on days that I don't feel well. I'm very grateful for supportive co-workers. It is going to be so helpful. I am confident that I will fine in the end, it is just the middle road that is going to be hard.

I am willing to speak further with you about this and answer any questions you may have. Again, thank you for being so understanding. It means the world to me.

Sincerely,
Adrienne

My Bella Girl

My sweet, sweet Bella girl. I love her so much. She is my mini-me. She even has my hair and sass. :)

(I usually call her B when I am typing things.)

Yesterday, as I was prepping the blog so that we could tell Patrick's siblings, I thought, "you know what, I don't want them to know before my daughter." So I told her.

We were just sitting by the computer and I told her about what was going on.

Me: You know how Mommy has been going to lots of doctors' appointments?

B: Yes

Me: Well, Mommy is very, very sick. I am going to have a lot more doctor appointments. And you go to lots of friends' houses to play while Mommy does that. I have to get a special medicine to make me better. And that special medicine is going to make my hair fall out. And it will be scary, but it will be okay. It will be really cool to not have hair - I'll look like Daddy, and isn't he awesome? Yeah!

We looked up a picture of the girl who is the Covergirl cover girl that is a young lady who does make up and stuff and she doesn't have hair. Or it's growing back or something. Because of cancer.

Bella is the sweetest. She started to cry and said, "But Mommy I don't want your hair to fall out. I don't want you to look like that." I hugged her and told it would be okay and that it would grow back.

This morning when I told her she was going to a friend's house so we could go to the temple, she thought I was going to a doctor's appointment. :)

She is such a sweet girl and I love her so much.

Temple

I forgot to mention that we went to the temple this morning. It was a last-minute decision because today is a holiday, Patrick was closing, I didn't have to work, and it's pretty much the only time we would be able to this week - and we need to. Even the bishop counseled us to. :)

And I feel so much peace now. SO. MUCH. PEACE.

I will constantly refer back to my religion on this blog and in my posts. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. If you'd like to find out more, you can visit www.lds.org. Hopefully I'll have the energy to post more about my religion and explain things, as I go. If you have any questions, ever, let me know. If nothing else, I'll have Patrick answer or find someone near you to get you answers. :)

Total, Total, Total Exhaustion

Dr. Rich told me that I will exhausted during treatments. I'll feel like I want to get off the couch, stand up, and then just sit back down.

I'm exhausted now - how can I get more exhausted and how will I manage to live my life if I'm that tired???


Once we started telling our family and close friends, I realized how exhausting it was to tell people, and since I couldn't keep my emotions/the Spirit influencing me in check during church, I decided that we should just tell everyone this weekend and get through the bulk of it at once. I figured it would be easier to do it this way.

And now I have exhausted myself into sickness, haha. You know that just so worn out you're sick sick? Yep, that's where I am at right now. I'd love to not go to school tomorrow, but that's my job... :) And staying home with two wild and crazy animals of children isn't really much more relaxing. ;-)


Anyway, telling people (even just giving someone the link to this blog) is exhausting. And no one has really asked questions, it has been outpouring of love, but it is tiring to respond and to rethink about everything over and over again. (I read a bunch of notifications from Facebook all day today - and text messages - but didn't reply until tonight because it takes a lot of energy... and I have probably forgotten some, I'm sorry :/.)

But I am surrounded by so much love and kindness. SOOOOOOOO much love. I am SO incredibly grateful for that, for all the love and support my friends and family have given. I have seen the kindest and most sincere offers and nothing has even begun. I think this is definitely a lesson in reminding me who the important people in my life are and who my true friends are - who I should really focus my life on and who I should not and who is doing the same for me. I have even had friends that I haven't talked to in years offer to come to Provo from another state or city and take care of my kids. I mean, that's amazing. AMAZING. I am just so overwhelmed by all the love. I don't even know how to properly express the feelings.

I'm going to post the messages, responses, etc. on here once I decide how I want to do that (copy/paste, screenshot, etc.), but I want to remember all of these wonderful text messages, Facebook messages, emails, etc. We are so so loved and supported.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for being so kind, loving, selfless, and just for being there for me and my family. I feel so overwhelmed by love that I'm exhausted! ;-) But really, thank you a million times over.

Like This - This is Love

Patrick's Facebook Post

FYI if I am acting impatient or exhausted for the next little while it probably has something to with my wife having Hodgkin's Lymphoma and me trying to do everything for her. Please have patients with me and just tell me when I am being an idiot so that I can fix myself. If you have any more questions about this please checkout this blog: justfightlikeagirl.blogspot.com. Thanks for being understanding. Also Adrienne is determined to beat this so just keep us in your prayers and we will get through this. Thanks again.

I honestly cannot imagine what my husband is going through right now. I've invited him to post on here any time he wants. I hope he will. I love him so much and I am so very lucky to have him by my side through this and always.

Whew, What a Weekend

If you're just seeing Facebook and have come to see what's up - I suggest starting at the beginning of these posts - or at least the one before this one.

We found out Friday night and have been informing people ever since. Updates, forwarding messages, trying to remember if we remembered everyone. And, finally, I posted it to Facebook.

That has been a scary thing for me, but this weekend has been SO exhausting that I kind of just wanted to go ahead and get it out there sooner rather than later. I'm hoping that I'll have mostly a weekend of exhausting and explanations, as opposed to weeks and weeks of it. I know I will have to do it again and again, but I'm kind of hoping I won't.

I also hope people will read this and not ask me questions all the time. Every time we've told someone, it just hurts again. I'm still in shock, but it just hurts.

Today at church, I just fell more and more apart as the hours went on. In Sacrament meeting, I started crying during the opening song - yeah, that's good. Then I sent a message to my friend during Sunday School (yeah, I know, I know, bad me) and I almost cried. And I got more and more nervous as it closer to the time for me to teach. The bishop hadn't had the info forwarded to him yet by the Relief Society President, so he asked me if we had heard anything and I almost totally lost it. I told him that we did have results, but I needed to go teach, so ask Patrick. Walking away while crying, of course... I cried during the opening song during Relief Society and had to leave because I was basically bawling. And though I didn't want to, I decided that in order for me to get through my lesson, I was going to have to tell everyone there. As I got up there like trying to hold back bawling (and you know those awful noises you make when you do that... the sniffling and snorting and squealing and stuff), I didn't want to make anyone deaf by using the mic for those sounds, and a sister who is kind of the mic Nazi (I know the mic is for a good reason, and, really, I am grateful for it - it saves my voice since I teach five other days of the week!), was like, "Are you using the mic?" or is she using it, or something. I was just like, "I will use it in a minute." through sobs and crap. Ugly, ugly crying. :) haha. Anyway, I finally just came out and told them that I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I'm going to fine, but I needed to tell them in order to get through my lesson. Once I got it out and cleaned up, I was fine. I was also reluctant to say anything because there were a few sisters I wanted to tell individually before everyone else knew and there were some that I didn't want to know. But hypothetically, by the next time I teach, I could be losing my hair or really sick or something, so I figured it'd be okay to say something now. Anyway, I'm rambling. :)

It's really hard to tell people. Every time it's just like rehashing it. That's why I prepared the doc in the previous post and just started sending it around. And why I created this blog. I'm going to update it regularly. It is going to be where I post whatever I want. Where I vent, document, everything. It may not be pretty (or nice :p) at times, but it's MY space. This is MY place to say whatever I want in relation to what I'm experiencing. I don't want pity, but I don't want judgment either. No one can tell me how I should or can feel. No one. I will feel and say and think what I feel and say and think. No one will take that away from me. I already have a feeling that this will be an illness where I have no control and where I will try to control other areas of my life. This will be one place that I control. And if there is ever anything a reader doesn't like, I hope they just won't say anything, instead of being hurtful. I have learned in the past few months who cares about me, what matters, and so many other things. I have learned that again in the past few days. The responses of people vary and I'm beginning to be able to tell how much people care about me in the way that they respond. I think I'd eventually like to post some of the messages I have received - just to document them. I have felt SOOOO blessed and loved this weekend as people have expressed their concern, love, and whatever else for me and my family. I have shocked to see the love people have for me. I was posting a few things on my personal blog before this one was created (before I knew what I had) and I hardly ever blog, so no one ever reads my blog. haha. A few people randomly decided to read my blog and came across some of the former posts now on this blog. I love that I am loved. I love that is teaching me the true meaning and value of friendship. I am learning already. I currently have the mindset that what I spend my time on should be things/people that make me feel good and not those things/people that make me feel worse. I don't mean that in a selfish way, it's just like I have a different/new/whatever perspective on my life and what I was focusing on. I might feel very different in a few months.

Anyway, I just wanted to get some rambling out. It's been a very, very overwhelming weekend and I think I'll have a very overwhelming week or two ahead... and like year. haha. :) But I'm hoping this blog helps to manage and direct some of my feelings, and acknowledge them, and get them out, and whatever else. I'll probably say whatever a lot. :)

Sometime this week I'm going to blog about my hair. That is what I am most upset about. :) And probably will be my strongest learning moments/lesson in this. Tee hee. :)

Diagnosis

Friday morning, the results from Pathology came in/back/whatever. 

I called Dr. McCann's office, he called me, we played phone tag. Finally we talked around 12:30-1:00. He told that it's Hodgkin's Lymphoma, recommended an oncologist, told me he thought I'd really like him, that his office is at the UVRMC hospital in Provo, I could go to SLC if I want, there are other oncologists at Utah Central Clinic, etc. etc. etc. 

I was worried about insurance switching when (now if, of course) Patrick goes to training. But I'm pretty sure Dr. Rich, the oncologist he recommended, is A-okay for that predicament. 

Anyway, so he personally called Dr. Rich. Then I called Dr. Rich's office around 4-4:30 because I hadn't heard anything yet. I was afraid he wouldn't call me back before the end of the business day and I would have to wait all weekend to find things out. 

Not so.

Just as I was texting my friend, saying that he hadn't called me and doesn't he know he's in the business of people and whatnot, he called me. It was 6:48pm (I only know that because I looked at my phone). We talked for about 40 minutes. The following is a summary of what we talked about. It's all the info I have so far. 

Adrienne’s Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Info -- HIGHLY curable

Doctor’s office (Dr. Rich) 8013578200

So here’s the plan…

3 tests over the next week or just into the second week: echo cardiogram (for my heart... a very rare side-effect is heart damage), PET scan (inject me with something that will make all the cancer cells glow.. or something like that), bone marrow biopsy (that one's pretty obvious. they have conscious sedation for that. I'll totally be taking advantage of that). From those tests we will find out what stage it’s in and what exact kind of chemo to do. Above diaphragm is Stage 1 or 2. Below it is Stage 3, in bone marrow is Stage 4.

Meeting with Dr. Rich on Jan 30-31, to discuss what the plan exactly is and when we start everything. As long as all the tests results are back…

I will start chemo in the next 2-3 weeks. I will lose my hair within a week or two after that. It won’t grow back for NINE MONTHS. It takes about a year for it to be an inch long.

I will do chemo for 6 months total, and a PET scan after 4 months (routine procedure).

During chemo… my immune system will go down after 5-6 days after a chemo treatment, then go back up right before the next treatment. But if I wash my hands and take care of myself and stuff, then I should be just fine. Go a little farther on the hygiene and I shouldn’t have a problem. I’ll be doing 3 hours in an IV once a month. I am likely to feel fatigued and get more and more fatigued as we go along. I might feel nauseous too – about what my morning sickness was like.

I’ll get anti-nausea meds while I’m at chemo and then have a prescription to have at home and use as needed.

I’ll get a prescription for an antibiotic. Then if I get sick, I’ll call in to the doctor, and if I need to use it, I already have it on hand.

Because it’s classified as “bulky” (it’s 11 cm FYI), after 6 months of chemo, I’ll take one month off and then do radiation for a month. About 6 weeks later, I’ll start to feel better.

The drugs are AVBV or something. And they have different side effects. The main side effects are just being tired. Like getting up from the couch and then feeling like whew, I’m going to sit back down.

Fewer side effects when you are active. Working is definitely possible – it all kind of depends on how fatigued and nauseous I become from the treatment. It’s better for me to keep a “normal” life.

Oh, and more susceptible to sunburns while on chemo. And possible fertility problems, but not necessarily.

→ Look into whether or not Patrick HAS to go to training and deploy because I’ll be having chemo and whatnot.

All in all, it will be about 9-10 months of treatment and a year before I feel back to myself, though I may actually be at about 80% and it may take another year until I’m 95-100% back to feeling like my normal self.

So, pretty much, it freaking sucks. :)

We are doing well, I suppose. It has been an emotional roller coaster of a weekend. And it is exhausting telling everyone. So I'm trying to get as much of that taken care of at the same time so that I'm not exhausted for days and days.... just a few days. haha

I unintentionally told my Relief Society before I taught today. I couldn't hold it together. Once I told them, I was fine and could move on with the lesson. Church was hard. I cried a few times. It's a very spiritual place full of spiritual people and the Spirit is so strong there. 

So anyway, that's that for now.

A Good Scripture Makes All the Difference on a Crappy Day

Written Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sometimes you just need a good scripture to remind you of... well, everything...

And then you want to write that scripture down on your blog so that you remember how it spoke to you... and the pages flip while you're walking from the couch to the computer desk with your scriptures open and you lose said scripture verse.

I think it was in Helaman. I'm beginning to think it wasn't. It was on the left page, left column, upper portion... maybe second or third verse down.

And the gist of it was that the Lord will not leave you suffering forever and why would you think that He would?

Have faith in Him and all things are possible. Have faith in Him and he will save you, protect you, heal you, everything....

(Okay, that's a combination of verses I have been reading as of late.) These are messages I need to hear. And I love them. And the message that Heavenly Father loves you, He will never leave you, and that He can save you from anything.... it's all over in the Book of Mormon. Which is good because, clearly, I need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.

Freezer Burn

Written Sunday, January 13, 2013

Friday I went in for my surgical biopsy. I had this idea in my head that it was a no-big-deal kind of surgery and then everyone there made it really serious. Because, well, apparently it was.

We got there just after 8:00am (dropped the kids at a friend's house in the ward, thank heavens for her!) and checked in. I got my little bracelet thing with all my info on it and waited for them to call me back. Then I got to read some papers about how I should be fine, but sometimes anesthesia causes serious problems, blah, blah, blah. Comforting. Reaalll comforting. I also got to pee in a cup (I was like uh... you really think I can do that when I haven't had anything to eat/drink since 11pm last night?? but I did it. Good-job-me.)

Then we waited in the waiting area again until they called us to "door number 2". What's behind Door Number 2, Bob?????? They actually called Patrick's cell phone to call us back. Interesting.

Went through Door Number 2. Checked my vitals, took me to a room to get changed into my fancy disposable attire - including disposable MC Hammer shorts. Oh, yeah, those were hot!

We waiting for like half an hour. Oops, they called us in early and then made us wait. They apologized.

They gave me an IV for fluids (and for the antibiotic and anesthesia and whatnot), read a bunch of stuff to me, asked a bunch of questions, etc. etc. etc. and they made me pee again. Just to make sure my bladder was empty this time. I also got cool grey socks with that grippy stuff on both sides! For the floppy feet folk, I suppose. They also had Patrick write "yes" on the right side of my neck since the mass is on the right side and they didn't know where he'd be cutting, but assumed it'd be on the right side... so he wouldn't accidentally cut the wrong side... turns out I didn't need it because he cut me in the center. :)

It was time to go back to "holding", so Patrick gave me a kiss goodbye, we said 'I love you', and I was on my way. That's when it started to feel real and serious to me.

Patrick went back to the waiting room and I went into "holding."They hooked a heater up to my gown. Weird. But kinda cool, I guess. The nurse in holding was named Mikell. That made me happy. :) One of my best friend's name is Mikelle.

The doctor came in to talk to me. Met the anesthesiologist. Met the nurse who'd be in the OR with me. He said, "Yo, Adrienneeeee" and I just looked at him. Yep, haven't heard that one before. Then he told me his name is Chris Carol and that people have fun with that one at Christmas time... Christmas Carol... Anyway, he was funny and very nice. They were all very nice. Dr. McCann wears too much cologne or smelly deodorant or something. Phewy!

At 9:45 Chris rolled me into the OR. I pictured it differently. It didn't really look like they do in the movies. It was small-seeming, very white and stark, and I don't know, just not what I expected. They had my info written on a whiteboard on the wall and they spelled my name 'Adrianne'. I didn't bother correcting them because it was correct on my info. Obviously whoever wrote it just can't read. :)

They had me move to the narrow, green, hard table and put an oxygen max over my face. Told me to take deep breaths.... and then I was out. I remember all of 2-3 minutes of that OR experience.

When surgery was done, Dr. McCann went out and talked to Patrick. He said the surgery had gone well. They took a sample of the tissue and froze it to get a "frozen diagnosis", an idea of what it is and what our treatment may be. He said it's looking and acting like lymphoma. The full pathology results should match the frozen diagnosis. So that means chemo. Meeting with an oncologist and possibly losing my hair. There are a zillion different types of lymphoma, about 80 chemo drugs, and many different ways to treat the lymphomas. So it all requires the detailed reports from pathology and then a meeting with an oncologist. I'm still kind of hoping that isn't the route. ;-)

I woke up in a bed, with Patrick by my side and a nurse asking me questions. I was sweating like CRAZY and my neck hurt SO bad. And I was nauseous. Ick! I couldn't communicate properly and I felt like I couldn't lift my arms. I was trying to take my socks off, using my feet to push them off. The hooked the air thing into my gown to give me cool air and brought me crackers and ginger ale so that I could take pain meds. Patrick helped me lay on my side and put the air on my back. I was melting! I was crying from the pain and from being so hot. He fed me the crackers small bite by small bite and held the drink close to me to take sips. I would barely raise a hand or finger (left for cracker, right for drink) to signal to him what I wanted. The nurse said he would make a good nurse. He did a great job. Once I had a little bit of food in me, she gave me the drugs. I had to take them one pill at a time. I could barely open my eyes. I was SUPER groggy. After I got the drugs, I went back to sleep. I think I was in and out of it for a couple of hours, requesting cracker and drink here and there.

Finally a nurse came in and was treating me like it was time to leave. I felt like I just got there and why were they trying to get rid of me?? Then Patrick told me it was almost 2pm. Oh, oh, that's why. :) So after a few minutes, I tried to force myself awake and got dressed. Patrick went to get the car and a nurse put me in a wheelchair and took me out to the car.

We stopped at Smith's so Patrick could pick up my prescription and more ginger ale and crackers. I was SO out of and getting more and more nauseous the longer I sat up. My head was bobbing and I was falling asleep in the car while he was inside. It was probably quite the site to see.

We picked the kids up, Patrick gave me some soup and I went to bed to lay down before I upchucked.

I woke up at 5, ate, hung out, laid on the couch, etc. Brick Oven sent dinner to us - one of the managers wanted to send us some - I was so grateful for that! AND the Relief Society had dinner for us (I asked them last week to help out with it). The taco soup our friend brought over was DELICIOUS. I was so so so so glad that Patrick was home. Plus, I wasn't allowed to be without a responsible adult for the first 24 hours. :) I was still out of it.

Saturday, I woke up and was super lethargic, sore, etc. Totally out of it. I slept a lot. I took a nap in the afternoon and woke up from it feeling SUPER nauseous. Patrick called the doctor and he said the anesthesia wears off in the first 24 hours, but for some people it lasts a few days. He called in an anti-nausea med for me and Patrick took the girls to get it. I was okay while lying down, but if I got up... yuck.

Brick Oven sent lunch and the RS brought us dinner. We have been so well taken care of. I'm so grateful for that! And BO got Patrick's shift covered so he could stay home Saturday too. Thank heavens for that because I got sick right around when he would've gone to work. I was totally out of commission.

I took my meds and slept and slept and then was awake for a bit and then fell asleep on the couch. It has been like I have not been able to control whether I'm awake or asleep.

Today, I woke up with much less pain in my neck, but the pain was more centralized than before. More just at the incision as opposed to all around it. I iced my neck a lot Friday and Saturday, but just once today. I woke up at 8 or 9 and was in and out of it until just before the family went to church at 1045. Then I ate, watched a little bit of tv and fell asleep at 1. I woke up at 530. I heard things here and there, but I was totally out of it. I have been SOOO out of it today! And I've been taking fewer drugs and everything. I was totally not prepared for the recovery I've had. I did not think it would wipe me out so much.

The bishop and first counselor came over this evening to check on me and kind of get the story on what's going on. He told us to let us know how we can help and what we need. We are so well taken care of in this ward. It will hard to leave, whenever we do.

Now it's time for me to go to bed again. I'm getting sleepy again and I have to work in the am. I took a shower tonight and used the fancy plastic taped cover thing to cover up my incision/tape. It was weird. I used a baby wipe to clean the area that was under the cover after my shower. haha. :) I can take the tape/gauze off of my incision tomorrow. I'm thinking about leaving there during school and just putting a bandaid over the bloody gauze part. That way it's protected from infection and bleeding and all that jazz. And then I'll take it off when I get home. I just have little tape stitch things, not sewn stitches - probably for healing pretty purposes. :) It's at the base/center of my neck. I guess I could start liking scarves...... :)

My principal has been very supportive and has said that the number one concern is my health. There is a secretary at school, Janine, who is just super duper worried about me. She gave me her cell and home phone number and told me to call her if I need ANYTHING at all. She feels bad that my mom is so far away and she wants to help me in any way that she can. She is the sweetest! She has been so worried about me. I tell her not to, but she does. She is great!!! I'm so grateful that she's here for me.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. We will get results sometime in the middle of this week and go from there. Pray for us! :)

House, MD to Grey's Anatomy

Written Friday, January 4, 2013

You know how on House they're always trying to figure out what the problem is with the person? Well, that's still kind of me. But now I also kind of feel like the patient that the interns on Grey's are fighting over. Everyone wants to touch my neck!

So after the biopsy, I was referred to an ENT. I went to him and he ordered a cat scan of my neck and chest, because he couldn't tell how far down the thing was going or if it was going below my collar bone, etc.  This past Monday I went in for that. That was a really easy scan. They gave me an IV with contrast that made me feel like I was peeing my pants. Cool, huh? And the whole taking the pictures business took about five minutes or so. SOOOO much better than the MRI I had for my back a few years back.

A cat scan takes pictures of you like a loaf of bread in slices. It's pretty cool. My lungs look really good. And so does my heart. So that's good. However, comma, there's this HUGE mass in my chest that is actually going UP into my neck.

So the ENT referred me to a cardiothorastic surgeon.

On Thursday, I had to go pick up the dvd with the CT scan on it at the ENT's office in American Fork. While I was there, the nurse practitioner that Dr. Todd Hamilton (the ENT) works with said he had looked at my scans and asked if he could feel my neck. I obliged. Sure, why not, right? I'm like a freak of nature, haha. Well, he didn't say I wasn't... Anyway, he seemed kind of... fascinated... by it and since I hadn't seen my scans yet (because the ENT called me on Wednesday with the results), he showed them to me. It's a HUGE mass. It starts above/at my heart and fills the center portion of my chest, and then goes into my neck on the right side. He told me it looked like a thymoma, which is a growth of the thymus, but that he wasn't sure. That's why I was going to meet with the cardio guy.

So Patrick, the girls, and I went to the cardiology office in Provo to meet with Dr. Lee McCann. We got there a little bit before 3, but we weren't seen until almost 4. Apparently, they squeezed me into the schedule because Dr. Hamilton asked them to see me and because they felt like it was important enough to see me that day. It was a long wait, but I got out of some of my class while waiting. :)

Dr. McCann came in WITH his colleague/partner-in-crime, Dr. Mitchell. They asked me a bunch of questions like how I noticed it (I didn't, I went in for a physical), if it was bothering me (only recently has it started to), if it hurt when they touched it (nope), etc. etc. etc. Dr. Mitchell was touching my neck and checking me out while Dr. McCann was taking notes and asking lots of questions. Dr. Mitchell would say to Dr. McCann, "Come feel this. Touch this." over and over again. Apparently, I really am an anomaly. At least sort of. Dr. Mitchell left and Dr. McCann finished up with us.

He told us that it could be anything and, since they don't know, they need to do a surgical biopsy. He took us into his office to show us the scans (Patrick had not seen them yet) and we talked about them, options, possibilites, etc.

If it's a thymoma, it has to be surgically removed. This will require a big slicing of me from my neck down my chest and they will cut open part of my sternum to get it out. It is wrapping around some arteries, including my carotid artery, so it would be a complicated surgery, but doable. I may need chemotherapy afterwords to make sure it was ALL gone because thymomas can reoccur. If I have surgery, I'd be in the hospital for a week, then go home with lots of pain meds. I wouldn't be able to lift anything heavy (including the kids) or drive for 4-6 weeks. But then it'd be done. Minus the rockin' gigantor scar. Return to Me, anyone??

If it's a lymphoma (the other thing they are thinking it could be), then it depends on what type of lymphoma it is, but the treatment is chemotherapy. Dr. McCann thinks that is what it is because it is wrapping around my arteries and has started to even wrap around my trachea. It is also pushing on my trachea a little bit and on my thyroid. He couldn't really speak to what that would be like because it really depends on what type it is as far as how it is treated and what type of chemo is used. So I have no idea what my recovery/lifestyle would be like with that. But it sounds long, uncomfortable, and like I'd lose my hair. I don't like that. And I'm not sure if I like that less than a huge scar.... but I think I must be shallow about my hair.

Both routes sound really hard.

It could also be something totally different, in which case the treatment may be totally different. But that is what I'm probably looking at. And whatever I do, I'll probably start about mid-February.

So next Thursday, I go to the hospital to have my pre-op labwork and tests done. They'll make sure I'm all good to go for Friday and then give me a time to be at the hospital on Friday. On Friday, I'll go into the operating room, they'll put me under anesthesia and put a breathing tube in to control my breathing (particularly since it's pushing on my trachea and sometimes causes problems with breathing and swallowing... especially with them digging around), and they'll cut open my neck and take a chunk out. They will send that to pathology and while I'm "open", they'll get a "frozen" diagnosis, which will give them an idea of what it is and ensures that they got enough tissue for pathology to run all their tests. I'll then go to recovery for an hour or so and once I'm cleared there, I'll go home with pain meds and need a couple days to recoup. That's why I'm doing it on a Friday - so that I have the weekend to recover. :) Monday I'll go back to school.... and start a new semester! Ha!

It will take 4-5 business days to get the results. Sometimes pathology sends things out, sometimes they don't, but they'll do all kinds of tests to figure out what it is. Once we know what it is, we'll figure out what the course of action will be for it and we'll go from there.

I don't think I'm really freaking out right now. I freaked out over the possibility of thyroid cancer and so I'm kind of all freaked-out out. The NP at the ENT's office was trying not to scare me when he told me they might have to cut into my sternum, but I had already thought of that since the ENT told me it went down lower. And since I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know what to properly freak out about. If that makes sense... I am unsettled and tired and stressed, but I'm not like wigging. I just feel worn out and worn down. And I do have a bit of "this shouldn't happen to me, I'm 27" in my mind. But I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and that I'll be okay one way or another, so I'm okay overall.

I'm actually very, very so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost and that I have been righteous enough to have it in my life. It was a small prompting that sent me to the doctor for a physical, instead of going to the stomach specialist. If I hadn't gone in for a physical, I wouldn't know any of this, and may still have not gone in. Or I may have gone in about now and with the process of everything, it could have grown more and become more of a problem. I'm ever so grateful for that small prompting and that I followed through with it. Since then, I've had a few blessings and I know that I have a hard road ahead of me (I didn't understand that when I got the blessing, but I'm really starting to now), but I also know that I'll be okay. I have a wonderful, supportive family and a few wonderful, supportive friends, and that is making this easier to handle as well. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and that He is taking care of me. Oddly enough, it has actually strengthened my marriage and maybe that's one reason that it's happening to me - because He knows I'm strong enough to handle it and, in turn, my marriage is strengthened when it has been tried so much in the last few years. Maybe not. Maybe I'm imagining that and I'm crazy. :) But I do feel like in the last few months, maybe even year, that I've been more receptive to some of the reasons for experiences in our life. Like, I'll get a feeling that this is the reason for that and I think that is something Heavenly Father has blessed me with to comfort me and help me through the trials. And boy, I'm so grateful that I have the gospel and that I have this knowledge because without it, this would be REALLLLLLLLY REALLLLLLLLLY difficult to go through. I'm so grateful that I have some insight and knowledge of His plan for us. It's an amazing thing in my life.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. My mom is going to come out and help, we just don't know when to do that because we don't know what the treatment will be. Say a prayer for us if you have room in your prayers and be thinking of us, if you'd like. :) It's kind of therapeutic to blog about this. Helps me get my feelings out and not have to pester people with the heavy weight of my dealings right now. :)