Whew, What a Weekend

If you're just seeing Facebook and have come to see what's up - I suggest starting at the beginning of these posts - or at least the one before this one.

We found out Friday night and have been informing people ever since. Updates, forwarding messages, trying to remember if we remembered everyone. And, finally, I posted it to Facebook.

That has been a scary thing for me, but this weekend has been SO exhausting that I kind of just wanted to go ahead and get it out there sooner rather than later. I'm hoping that I'll have mostly a weekend of exhausting and explanations, as opposed to weeks and weeks of it. I know I will have to do it again and again, but I'm kind of hoping I won't.

I also hope people will read this and not ask me questions all the time. Every time we've told someone, it just hurts again. I'm still in shock, but it just hurts.

Today at church, I just fell more and more apart as the hours went on. In Sacrament meeting, I started crying during the opening song - yeah, that's good. Then I sent a message to my friend during Sunday School (yeah, I know, I know, bad me) and I almost cried. And I got more and more nervous as it closer to the time for me to teach. The bishop hadn't had the info forwarded to him yet by the Relief Society President, so he asked me if we had heard anything and I almost totally lost it. I told him that we did have results, but I needed to go teach, so ask Patrick. Walking away while crying, of course... I cried during the opening song during Relief Society and had to leave because I was basically bawling. And though I didn't want to, I decided that in order for me to get through my lesson, I was going to have to tell everyone there. As I got up there like trying to hold back bawling (and you know those awful noises you make when you do that... the sniffling and snorting and squealing and stuff), I didn't want to make anyone deaf by using the mic for those sounds, and a sister who is kind of the mic Nazi (I know the mic is for a good reason, and, really, I am grateful for it - it saves my voice since I teach five other days of the week!), was like, "Are you using the mic?" or is she using it, or something. I was just like, "I will use it in a minute." through sobs and crap. Ugly, ugly crying. :) haha. Anyway, I finally just came out and told them that I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I'm going to fine, but I needed to tell them in order to get through my lesson. Once I got it out and cleaned up, I was fine. I was also reluctant to say anything because there were a few sisters I wanted to tell individually before everyone else knew and there were some that I didn't want to know. But hypothetically, by the next time I teach, I could be losing my hair or really sick or something, so I figured it'd be okay to say something now. Anyway, I'm rambling. :)

It's really hard to tell people. Every time it's just like rehashing it. That's why I prepared the doc in the previous post and just started sending it around. And why I created this blog. I'm going to update it regularly. It is going to be where I post whatever I want. Where I vent, document, everything. It may not be pretty (or nice :p) at times, but it's MY space. This is MY place to say whatever I want in relation to what I'm experiencing. I don't want pity, but I don't want judgment either. No one can tell me how I should or can feel. No one. I will feel and say and think what I feel and say and think. No one will take that away from me. I already have a feeling that this will be an illness where I have no control and where I will try to control other areas of my life. This will be one place that I control. And if there is ever anything a reader doesn't like, I hope they just won't say anything, instead of being hurtful. I have learned in the past few months who cares about me, what matters, and so many other things. I have learned that again in the past few days. The responses of people vary and I'm beginning to be able to tell how much people care about me in the way that they respond. I think I'd eventually like to post some of the messages I have received - just to document them. I have felt SOOOO blessed and loved this weekend as people have expressed their concern, love, and whatever else for me and my family. I have shocked to see the love people have for me. I was posting a few things on my personal blog before this one was created (before I knew what I had) and I hardly ever blog, so no one ever reads my blog. haha. A few people randomly decided to read my blog and came across some of the former posts now on this blog. I love that I am loved. I love that is teaching me the true meaning and value of friendship. I am learning already. I currently have the mindset that what I spend my time on should be things/people that make me feel good and not those things/people that make me feel worse. I don't mean that in a selfish way, it's just like I have a different/new/whatever perspective on my life and what I was focusing on. I might feel very different in a few months.

Anyway, I just wanted to get some rambling out. It's been a very, very overwhelming weekend and I think I'll have a very overwhelming week or two ahead... and like year. haha. :) But I'm hoping this blog helps to manage and direct some of my feelings, and acknowledge them, and get them out, and whatever else. I'll probably say whatever a lot. :)

Sometime this week I'm going to blog about my hair. That is what I am most upset about. :) And probably will be my strongest learning moments/lesson in this. Tee hee. :)