Post-Treatment Life

Unfortunately, this post won't have pictures... they're on the other computer. Sorry. Maybe I'll add some later.


Life after cancer treatments...

Well, school started.

Then my mom came and visited for a month. That's why I didn't blog at all during September. I was a guest speaker at a Relief Society event where ladies got together and did a bunch of different stuff - zumba, speakers, etc. I spoke about being happy even when life isn't happy and being happy in our roles as women, moms, etc. We went to Idaho and visited family. We came back. We cleaned my house. Then I got in a car accident, my car was totaled, and now I'm doing therapies to recover from that. We cleaned up the storage unit, we ate steak and salad and sweet potatoes. HOLY YUM. We had Coke and Cafe Rio. We had lots of girly time. I love my mommy. We are best buddies and it was so wonderful having her here. Especially texting each other with emoji characters. :) haha.

School has been harder for me than work has ever been for me in my entire life. I'm tired, I'm stressed, the students are hard (well, some of them), it's just been harder than ever.

I hit an emotional wall and kind of exploded. Every emotion I've limited in the last year or so came out in the last couple of months, especially since the car accident. I got shingles. Thank you effing stress from said car accident. That made me REALLY mad. What are the odds??? I took a medicine during ALL of chemo and for a month after to keep me from getting shingles. And then I get it. I'm still trying to figure out all of the emotions stuff.

I had a major anxiety attack and might have something wrong with my heart. I went to the ER for that - on General Conference Sunday. Haven't received that bill yet, but I have a feeling I might be reaching my deductibles very soon...

We had to buy a new car. We got a Chevy Equinox. It's nice, but it's another car payment. But it's fun to hook the iPhone up to to listen to Pandora.... You know that song - Royals? I'm obsessed. It should've been made when Gossip Girl was still around.... It would've been PERFECT. I love GG.

I think the stress also kicked my thyroid into not working. So that's awesome. I basically have side burns and extra hair on my neck. And of course anxiety, anger, possibly depression, etc. Life is good - whatever. :)

Nah, it's not all bad. There are definitely up's. And you have to look at those, right? But right now... I'm not done. :) I'm not quite there... I'm processing a lot of stuff right now.

I'm taking a Praxis Prep class to prepare for another test I get to pay for to keep my teaching license current and to keep my job. The car accident messed up my wrist/hand/forearm, so it was incredibly difficult to write practice answers for the class/test... I've never had wrist/hand/forearm pain like that before. It completely sucks.



Finishing chemo and radiation does NOT mean your life will go back to being the same. I didn't realize that realistically as much as theoretically. My life will NEVER be the same. It will forever be different. Post-cancer me won't be the Adrienne I know. I'm getting to know a new me. It's been difficult, but I'm learning. I thought cancer would change my life, but that it would just be something I would think of as part of my life, my past, etc. Part of what made me ME. But it's so much more than that...

I never felt anxiety about my cancer, but I do now. I'm worried about it coming back, I'm worried about having to go through everything ALL OVER AGAIN. This journey is just so far from being over. It's a bizarre concept and, frankly, I'm tired of cancer identifying me so much. I kinda just want "old me" back. Simple, worried about things besides living, long beautiful-haired Adrienne. New me is good too, but I'm just getting to know new me. I'm different.

But speaking of hair... my eyebrows are back and beautiful!!!! And my hair has grown in nicely. I wish it were the same color as before, but it could be worse. I'm actually contemplating dyeing it. My scalp, however, has been falling apart! It flakes away like a champ and it's gross and annoying. If I have an itch, my scalp falls apart. :) I have horrible dandruff. I actually asked the dermatologist about it while at an appointment for the girls and he gave me a prescription hair goo stuff to use overnight. He called it "sticky city" - I haven't used it yet. Anyway, I had NO idea my scalp was going to do this (it itches too!) when my hair grew back in, but apparently it's because the new hair doesn't have enough oils so my scalp is super dry. I guess it's also kind of a good sign because it means my hair is growing back in. I got a super cute pixie cut and I actually really quite like it. Just need to fix this flaky head. :) My hair hardly falls out now either! It's pretty great. :)


So anyway, a jumble of thoughts after over a month of not blogging. My mind feels jumbled right now. I'm working through it - slowly, but surely. I'd like to try and blog more. Keep this going. It's all part of "the journey," as they call it.

Contact Me

If you would like to contact me, please email me at justfightlikeagirl@gmail.com.

I'm Done!!!!!

That's right, folks. I'm ALL DONE with my cancer treatments - both chemo AND radiation. Wahoooooo!!!!!

Now what do I do with my time??

People keep asking me what I'm going to do to celebrate. Well, my throat still hurts so eating still hurts, and to me, celebration = food, so that's on hold for now.

I've also noticed that I am becoming more introverted and private again. During treatments, I kind of NEEDED to be open and willing to let others help me. Now I am regaining strength and I don't need as much help and I think I'm getting kind of tired of being the topic of conversation.

I cut my hair into a pixie because it was SUPER shaggy and looking scraggly. Not a good look. :) Now I just have the old lady balding on the top of my head to deal with. But I know that the hair on the rest of my body is starting to grow back in, so I'm assuming my head hair is too. I hope it is. :)

The past couple of days I have wanted to go running. Maybe one day this week I actually will. I need new shoes - mine KILL my feet. I'm trying to decide between a cheap pair to get by (but will they cause me more pain than help?) or busting the bank for new GOOD shoes. I can't decide. But since I can't make up my mind, I'll just let my piggy bank do the talking for now. :) Ode to joy.

My anxiety has been getting worse. :-/ They would give me lorazepam for it and since I already have some, they said to try cutting it in half and if that doesn't work, they'll write me a prescription for something else, and if it does work, they can write me a prescription for a smaller dose than I have. I haven't taken any yet. I've stopped taking all pills because of my throat. I'm using an essential oil blend called Serenity for now. I don't know if it's helping or not, but it does have calming scents, so I guess that's a move in the right direction. :) Anxiety is new for me, but with the kids, the potty-training, school starting, balancing schedules and life, my house, and everything cancer related, I don't feel bad for having it. They said it's actually very common for people to get it AFTER their treatments are done because then they sit around waiting for results, waiting to be cured, etc. And because you've had this tight schedule of doctor's visits and whatnot and that suddenly stops. That part is actually pretty weird to me. :) And so... I have anxiety. :) It should go away in a few months. I hope so. :)

My mom is coming to visit and I'm very excited, but my house is not. Good thing she loves me no matter what! :)

Fit for Happiness

Coming soon.

So Let's Talk About Radiation

Radiation

It started this past Monday, the 5th of August. Day 1 took about 20 minutes because they did scans at the beginning so they would know exactly where to zap me with radiation. Day one was pretty miserable. That mask squished the living day lights out of me. 

I should back up - a week before that they made the actual mask. I got into a gown and laid on the hardest, most narrow table and they put a wet, pliable, mesh mask on me and snapped it down. They did scans during this time and about 10-15 min later, the scans were done and the mask was almost completely hardened, but definitely enough to take off of me. It was SUCH a fun experience. Not. 

****** I started this post right after radiation and then the photos got stuck on my phone, so I am just finishing it now. ******

This is after my first radiation treatment - the one that took 20 minutes. My jaw hurt so bad!! And my shoulders/neck... all from being strapped down super tight! And I had these lovely "scales" or "dots" or "waffles" (depending on who you ask) for 30-60 minutes. I got these marks every time. But the first time they were the worst, since the treatment was the longest. Radiation reptile... Waffle face... :) 

This is the bottom of my chin after the first treatment. It was SO tight that it actually bruised my chin. They ended up only snapped 4-5 of the "snaps" and leaving 4-5 undone. I was still strapped down tighter than I probably should have been (tighter than they intend it to be). 

I was sitting outside with the girls while they were playing and M came up and asked me what was on my chin. I was totally confused and didn't (obviously) know it was there until then. The physical bruise faded for the most part, but the underside of my chin stayed a little bit puffy.

Each treatment took about ten minutes, maybe not even that long. You get to listen to any Pandora station. I chose Phillip Phillips. It plays music that kind of chills me out, so it helped me not freak out about being strapped down. :) And we probably all remember my "Home"... obsession? Yes, possibly an obsession. :)



So here's the radiation machine and me strapped down. They even put a big, fat rubber band around your feet so you don't have to worry about keeping them still. They mark the mask and line you up so that you are EXACTLY where you need to be before starting. Sometimes they had to pull my hips to the left, but I think I got pretty good at playing myself where I needed to be. :) Holding the blue ring also helps you not have to worry about your hands/arms.

Here's a side view of the mask. Lovely huh? Looks comfy, yeah?



View from the top. They cut the nose hole out because it was SOOOOO tight that I couldn't breathe. I had to keep my eyes close because the mask was so tight - I could mostly open my right eye haha, but I need the nose hole. :)



You can see how they mark the mask so that they zap you in the right place every time. I have a slight sunburn inside that area.





I had 16 radiation treatments. I met with the doctor every Wednesday. Between week 2 and 3 I lost 3 pounds and they kind of freaked out on me. At the beginning of radiation, they told me not to lose any weight and to have lean protein with my three main meals each day (so my body could/can repair itself faster). My throat started to get sore after the first week. Now it's so painful that it hurts to swallow anything. I've been living on Cepacol cough drops because I REALLY struggle with liquid meds. I have the "miracle mouthwash" that has the lidocaine in it and stuff, but I just can't do it. I also have liquid Lortab, but the pharmacist said that would give me a "hangover" feeling the next morning. I have to wake up at 6, so that doesn't work. They also gave me a prescription for liquid oxycodone, but I haven't filled it because I have to go to a specific pharmacy and I just haven't had the chance. I need to, though. When I lost weight, I told them that was like the weight of me eating lunch or not having eaten lunch yet. haha. They didn't think it was so funny. :) I welcome weight-loss, since I gained so much, of course, but they don't. :) In a couple weeks, they'd give me the 100% go-ahead. The sore throat will last another 10-14 days and I think it will take that whole time because I use my "loud voice" at school to teach. My throat hurts SO bad when I get home. Man, I miss bread. (Bread and meat hurt the worst so far.)

And that brings us to today!! I had my last treatment today!! Yay!!!! They even gave me a bottle of sparkling cider and a Certificate of Excellence for doing a good job completing radiation, haha. :) I need to take a picture of those. I put the certificate on my fridge. :) Maybe I'll frame that sucker, haha.

They let you take your mask home. I have named it/him Radiation Ralph. It's in the car right now. I left it there so that it would freak Patrick out when he got in the car to go to work. That worked. :) And he took it to work to freak other people out. haha. :) I'm planning to shoot it. I might paper-mache it for Halloween and THEN shoot it, but ultimately, I want to shoot it. :)

And so... I guess I am officially in remission! Weird! And so great! I have A LOT of feelings about it all and it's just one more surreal part of the whole journey. I've had more anxiety recently, so we are working on that, but I'm just kind of excited, relieved, nervous, anxious, confused/not sure how to feel about everything. But I don't have to go back to the doctor until November!! :) 

I fought like a girl and I won! And in five years, I can say I'm a cancer survivor and I REALLY did win! :) Cheers!!

I Wrote This in March - Some Thoughts and Reflections

I found a blog post that I wrote in early March and never published. It isn't really finished, and it's really long, but I feel okay posting it now. At the time, I wasn't sure if I was going to post it or not. I wrote it at the beginning of my cancer treatments journey. Now, at the end of them, I am finally posting it.

****************************


I've been thinking a lot. I think I think a lot. Metacognition... Okay, anyway...

bella


Bella wanted to type her name... so there we have it! :)


Recently, I've been thinking a lot about Christ suffering in Gethsemane and the Atonement. I've been thinking about how He suffered for my sins, He experienced every pain I have and will experience (I thought a lot about this during my chemo pains and my restless arms and legs last week), and He suffered so that I wouldn't have to. And how I'm human, so I'm still going to make mistakes, I'm going to sin, I'm going to experience pains, afflictions, sorrows, etc., and yet, how I kind of don't have to - if I would just make the right choices. Not entirely. Some things I can't avoid just by making a decision (I'm still going to experience the side-effects of chemo, no matter how much I don't want to, for example). And I keep thinking about how I have a responsibility to make good decisions because I have the knowledge I need to make the decision and like... how I have the commandments and since I know them, I need to follow them. And I've been thinking a lot about Satan and how we can allow him to have so much power over us, but we don't need to allow him that power, nor should be. And I have been observing the world around me with these perspectives/views/thoughts. I feel like I'm rambling.... I am. So I hope this comes to some sense eventually.

Shawna, my sister-in-law, came over yesterday and played a couple Mormon Message videos from lds.org. They just added to my thoughts.

And last night, as I was lying in bed, I had the thought to read my scriptures. The 11:00 scripture study that isn't so effective, right? haha. I thought maybe I would just start reading again "tomorrow", but I just had this pressing feeling, like someone was telling me, "No, read them tonight. It will help." And in my scripture study, I've been in 2 Nephi 9 for like twenty years... and last night I finally finished it! And there were some verses that definitely stood out to me, spoke to me, and just clicked for me.

 27 But wo unto him that has the ^alaw given, yea, that has all the commandments of God, like unto us, and that ^btransgresseththem, and that ^cwasteth the days of his ^dprobation, for awful is his state!

 28 O that cunning ^aplan of the evil one! O the ^bvainness, and the frailties, and the ^cfoolishness of men! When they are ^dlearnedthey think they are ^ewise, and they ^fhearken not unto the ^gcounselof God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their ^hwisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish.

 29 But to be ^alearned is good if they ^bhearken unto the ^ccounselsof God.

"When they are learned they think they are wise, and they not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not."

How often do I think like that? Am I currently thinking like that? What is my focus? Is it on me, on being right, on me being "holier than thou"? What is my focus?! And the people I associate with - are they allowing Satan in? Who am I spending my time with? What are my thoughts focused on?

So many thoughts.

"But to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God."

Because it IS good to be educated, to be learned, and to continue education. It's good to study different things, both spiritual and secular. It's good to find out the best ways to do things, to care for our families, etc.

{I feel like my thoughts are so jumbled right now, I'm sorry.... to you and to me. haha. I'm really not being very eloquent today.}

I've been thinking a lot about the world. The world tells us to gain education secularly. The gospel advises us to seek education, both secularly and spiritually. And I guess I feel like, as a Mom, there is a lot of information bouncing around and being shoved in our faces, telling us how to be the best Mom, person, individual, etc. And we have to sift through all of it to figure out what is good, honest education and what is part of the cunning plan of the evil one. And that can be so confusing sometimes. I've found that the more in-tune, spiritually, I am, the easier it is, but it isn't a cake walk just because I say my prayers and read my scriptures (which I'm definitely not a pro at anyway).

BUT I have a responsibility to sift through the muck and choose the right thing because I am educated and I know what the right thing is. It's my job to disregard all the things that tell me I'm not a good mom if I don't teach my kids to write their names by the time they're 3. Or I'm a bad mom AND wife if my house isn't clean all the time, the laundry isn't done and put away, and I don't have dinner on the table and cleaned up every single night. I can't get fast food for dinner - ever. It will kill my family and I will be left alone to suffer because I killed them off with empty calories (nope, I won't die - only they will. I will be left to wallow in misery over my lazy decision).

{I'm rambling again... still.}

I'm not always going to choose the right thing, but I should sure as heck try my darnedest. (I just really wanted to type darnedest.... it says it's a real word, by the way.) But really, "to be learned is good if they hearken unto the counsels of God." and thank the heavens, we have counsel from God to help us make these decisions.

I was recently switched from being a Relief Society teacher, teaching from the prophets manual to the week that is General Conference talks. I LOVE modern revelation. And General Conference is about as modern as it gets. It's for us, we get new revelation every six months, and it is just so edifying. I think I've been thinking a lot because of this too. I have to think about my lessons more now. There aren't questions at the end of the talk to tell me what to ask the class. There is no guide, just follow the Spirit and teach what you are inspired to teach. It's great - and terrifying. But really, it's pretty awesome. And I feel like I need to read in advance more and constantly be thinking about my lesson so that I can (and am) listen and receive that revelation all month. I have a responsibility to be prepared and to educate myself so I can teach the other sisters in my ward.

Moving on to the next verses....

39 O, my beloved brethren, remember the awfulness in^atransgressing against that Holy God, and also the awfulness of yielding to the enticings of that ^bcunning one. Remember, to be^ccarnally-minded is ^ddeath, and to be ^espiritually-minded is ^flife^geternal.

41 O then, my beloved brethren, ^acome unto the Lord, the Holy One. Remember that his paths are righteous. Behold, the ^bway for man is ^cnarrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the ^dgate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name.

 42 And whoso ^aknocketh, to him will he open; and the ^bwise, and the learned, and they that are rich, who are puffed up because of their ^clearning, and their ^dwisdom, and their riches—yea, they are they whom he despiseth; and save they shall cast these things away, and consider themselves ^efools before God, and come down in the depths of ^fhumility, he will not open unto them.

The way is narrow, but on a straight path. I love that. It's not like we have to go searching through a jungle to find the Lord and His way - it's a straight path, it's just narrow. So you have to pay attention to where you're walking so you don't fall off - maybe it's like that part of the hike to Table Rock in the Grand Tetons that is on a ledge and it's really narrow, so you have to pay attention or you will tumble to your painful death. Except, if you fall off the Lord's path, you're probably not going to tumble to a painful death. :)

And the Lord is there for us. He is always there. If we are idiots and/or make mistakes, He's still there. We might have to admit that we were fools, but He isn't going anywhere, and I love that. I love that no matter who leaves me on earth, Heavenly Father is always there for me. And Christ sacrificed for me so I could experience joy. And deserve joy.

 45 O, my beloved brethren, turn away from your sins; shake off the ^achains of him that would bind you fast; come unto that God who is the ^brock of your salvation.


 48 Behold, if ye were holy I would speak unto you of holiness; but as ye are not holy, and ye look upon me as a ^ateacher, it must needs be expedient that I ^bteach you the consequences of sin.

51 Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your ^alabor for that which cannot ^bsatisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and ^cfeast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness.

 52 Behold, my beloved brethren, remember the words of your God; pray unto him continually by day, and give ^athanks unto his holy name by night. Let your hearts ^brejoice.

 53 And behold how great the ^acovenants of the Lord, and how great his ^bcondescensions unto the children of men; and because of his greatness, and his ^cgrace and ^dmercy, he has promised unto us that our seed shall not utterly be destroyed, according to the flesh, but that he would ^epreserve them; and in future generations they shall become a righteous ^fbranch unto the house of Israel.

Next day:
I realized that I've been focusing too much on myself.