What I Have Become

To my "cancer colleagues", as I have just now named you, do you ever feel like once the treatment is done you feel like you should 'hush, hush' and let the "real" sickies step up to the plate and share their story? (To everyone else, are you tired of hearing about cancer?)

I think I started to feel like that. My treatments are done, I'm not dying faster than usual, and I have more hair than I did six months ago. Therefore, I need to zip my lips and let it go. Let someone else shine and take the spotlight. Let someone else tell their story. And on and on.

But here's the truth... I'm a cancer survivor, and in many ways, I will always be a cancer patient. Cancer is written on my skin - quite literally, considering the number of scars I have from it. It is written in my heart (okay, also literally because of the chemo, but I mean this more metaphorically). I have been touched and I have a different perspective on life.

I think we hear that a lot. "I have a new perspective on life." "I see things differently now because of xyz experience." "This has made me stronger." "I'm a better person now."

Well, you know what? I don't discount that in anyone's circumstance, but we cancer (or MAJOR life experience) folks, I think we really DO have a new perspective. At least for me, it's a more holistic change in view than it ever has been. I've had nasty stuff happen in my life, things that I wouldn't wish upon anyone else, but those things changed a portion of my perspective. Cancer put my entire life, my entire world, everything and everyone around me into perspective.

I started to learn what really matters in life, why we really are here and how our bodies play into that process, and the promise of eternal life we are given by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I gained peace and a testimony that my life here is part of a huge investment and process. This isn't "it," this isn't the end. This is a very tiny portion. And the things I used to think mattered most, matter very little now.

My life has forever been changed. I really hope I don't fall back into my more lackadaisical feelings about every single thing and being around me.

I know, I know. I keep saying that. It keeps coming through. But it's true. It's so, so very true.


Something very interesting happened to me recently. Two of my closest friends came to me with personal and huge things (for lack of a better word at the moment) happening in their lives. I happened upon this information all within the same week and my grandfather passed away at the end of that week. It was an emotionally overwhelming week. Not the point here, though...

For the first time in over a year, I was leaned ON. A friend in need (well, two) truly counted on me and leaned on me. We shared tears together, we exchanged stories and experiences, we laughed, we loved, we mourned, we hugged, and we sat around with puffy eyes together. It was exhausting and liberating. I learned while they learned. I helped when they needed me. My heart was so full, and still is. I experienced yet another aspect of the Atonement. My testimony on particular subjects increased and burned within me. I further understood that we are ALL children of a very real, loving Heavenly Father, who is always looking out for us and has our very real and personal interests at heart. I was exuberant toward life and wanted to share my love with others, especially my friends. I came out of my sometimes very dark hole and felt so much light and warmth.

And I realized that while I have scars and I'll always be a cancer patient and survivor, I'm a human too. I'm real. And I matter. And I can talk about my cancer and be immersed in the craziness that the stupid thing involves and THAT is who I am. I am a new me. I am still my friends' friend. I am still Adrienne. I'm still a mom and a wife, a friend and a teacher, a neighbor and even sometimes an enemy. But I'm new. I'm different. I'm changed. I'll never be the same. And that's okay. In fact, that's good. This experience that I thought would last a year (or maybe five, you know, with the doctor's appointments and all) and then put it in the books and consider it a "thing of my past", will never just go in the books. It won't go away. It is forever now a part of my identity, who I am, what I have to offer, and what I can and will become. My really awful diagnosis with an evil disease has made me an intensely better human being and, hopefully, a better daughter of God, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend.

Cancer has made me me. And your big thing in life has made you you.

Another Hair Field Trip

I created a "hair field trip" basically from radiation through present, but I forgot to add these. So here ya go. 

It's bizarre to see the changes - I knew it was happening, but I was in it, so I didn't fully recognize it. Not gonna lie, I miss my beautiful, long, curly brown hair. (It's just hair. It grows back. I know. I remind myself of this often, especially now that I'm entering the very ugly hair stage again.) 

Picture Update - the Hair August to March

I'm being lazy. One day I'll probably add "real" pictures. For now... Screen shots. 

August 2013

January to August 2013

September 2013, at Grandma Velda's house. We all just happened to come out of our rooms for church dressed alike. Haha. 

September 2013, shopping with my mom. :) and goofing off. 

October 4, 2013

October 5, 2013

October 2013

October 2013

October 2013 - my aunt had my cousin and his wife drop off real Coke. Yummy and the best! 

November 2013

When he had family pictures. 

December 2013

December 2013

December 2013 - finger waves 

December 2013

December/January 2013/14

January 2014

January 2014

February 2014

February 2014

February 2014

February 2014 - I let the BareMinerals lady put makeup on me

February 2014

February 2014 (and July 2013, comparison) 

February 2014

March 2014

March 2014 - I love us. 

March 2014 - I got my hair trimmed before going to Idaho for my grandpa's funeral. 

March 2014

March 2014

And there you have it. A crap ton of pictures of my lovely face and hair. You're welcome.