It has almost been one year. I actually weigh five pounds more than I did a year ago. I gained MORE weight, you ask? Yep, I did. Don't judge me, I judge myself enough.
So let's talk fat then... I have more of that than I ever have in my life and in places I didn't realize you could HAVE fat... or rolls. Fluff. Whatever you want to call it, it isn't as fun as marshmallow fluff on a peanut-butter sandwich. But... that's probably how I've maintained it.
I have had people tell me I can just get up and go or that I can lose x amount of weight because they did, their cousin did, their mom, their uncle, whoever... But I've also had friends who have been very supportive and understanding. Trust me, I know what I look like and how much I weigh. I'm more up-close and personal with it than you are. I also know that I think about it a lot and talk about it plenty.
Yes, I weigh more than I did when I gave birth to my big babies and my wedding ring hasn't fit in over a year. But this is not baby weight. It's not lazy weight. It's not 'I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted' weight. It's cancer weight. Stupid, stupid cancer. There are many reasons people hate cancer. This is one of the reasons I hate it. I think I hate it even more because I worked really hard for over a year after M was born to get back into a healthy state. It's hard to be unhealthy and, unfortunately, I'm still unhealthy.
I read an article today that I really loved. (It can be found here.) No one's cancer is the same. No one's life is the same, honestly. But this means that even if you and I are diagnosed with the exact same type and stage of cancer, it will do different things in our bodies. You might make it and I might not. Or I could make it out squeaky clean and you could end up with some other cancer down the road or a recurrence of your original cancer. Cancer is evil.
There is one thing I don't like in that article. When someone dies from cancer, we say they "lost" the fight. I don't think that's true, and I don't like saying that. My parents recently had a friend pass away from cancer. That evil, evil cancer. He fought and fought, but he didn't "win". What do you mean? He fought and fought and he's a loser? I don't think so. Aren't we the losers because we know longer have our friend, our loved one? And yet, weren't our lives enriched by knowing this person? I don't see "losers" in the situation, though I do see those family members who are without their loved one.
My words are all jumbled and I apologize for that. I'm tired of hearing about people "losing the fight". I'm tired of cancer.
I'm tired of "you survived cancer, so _________."
"______ didn't make it, but ______ did."
Cancer sucks. It takes lives. It makes life more difficult. It leaves its mark. It doesn't just GO AWAY. It's a beast.
YES. Cancer gives you a new perspective on life.
YES. Cancer helps us appreciate who and what we have in our lives.
YES. Treatments can save our lives.
YES. We are alive.
YES. I am alive.
But I still hate it and sometimes, I don't even like the mark it has left on me. Well, some of the marks. :)
So here are the facts...
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I can't just get up and go. I can't work out five or six days a week. Three wears me out. Yes, it's been a year, but I can't do it like you. So I'm still overweight, and no one hates it more than me.
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I may or may not ever have children again. Only time will give us that answer. (And we all know that time can be really difficult to wait for...) :)
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I get tired faster than most people... even though it's been a year. Some days, I come home from a regular day of work and I'm too tired to do much more than make a simple dinner and survive until the kids go to bed. Sometimes I give them melatonin to speed that process up.
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I'm uncomfortable in my skin.
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I had to buy new clothes for work because I literally didn't own any pants that fit. (Not so fun when it's for bigger sizes than you are used to buying.)
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I am conscious.
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I sometimes feel very defeated.
BECAUSE OF my cancer, I've had to look at life differently and live it differently. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but people don't seem to understand.
I'm tired of people assuming I am capable of things I am not because I am not 100% and because I will never be who I used to be. I'm tired of being judged for the same reasons.
Yes, I am a cancer survivor and it could be worse. Yes, I did exceptionally well during my treatments. Yes, I'm a live. Yes, I was blessed with a new outlook and appreciate for life. Yes, I have so many things to be grateful for. However, sometimes I just don't feel that way and I think that's okay.
Here's the deal. I hate cancer. I hate it. I wish there was a cure. I wish people didn't have to die from it. I wish people didn't have to go through cancer or cancer treatments. It's evil, it's mean, it's selfish, and I wish it would just go away. Until then, I hope people will become more educated on the mark cancer leaves on a person and their loved ones.
*What a rant this was. Whew.
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